I need help finding the right closing paragraph for my personal statement. SO please review my personal statement and correct any mistakes that you can find, it will be very helpfull, thankyou!
Personal Statement
Coming of age, I have never expected going through a roller coaster of changes in my pre-adult stage. My body started to develop in physical growth and skin changes which made a huge transition in my life. During this stage I lost all my confidence due to severe acne and other skin problems, so much for being a human with the name Joy. Until one day I was acquainted with an unfamiliar substance called skincare. The way it helps to calm, soothe, and heal skin left me captivated and motivated to dig deep about it. As time goes by, I gained a deep passion for skincare and a fervent desire to make a positive impact on the lives of others struggling with similar issues, drawn to the idea of formulating skincare solutions that not only treat acne but also address the underlying causes, promoting long-term skin health and confidence.
After a while, I ended up falling in love with Korean skincares and how much it influences the beauty world. Seeing Korea as a superior place for skincare research and development, I am convinced that studying in Korea will be a perfect next path for me. So, I started to seek an opportunity that might help to reach my dreams. In 10th grade, I found out about the GKS Scholarship program from an online platform that took my interest and made me finally apply for it. It hit me in the mid-semester of 11th grade that I missed an important component in building a track to my goals, which was choosing a major. Worried about not finding the right major while I kept wondering what major I should pursue or how to become a skin care chemist, I came upon two choices after consulting with a teacher. He told me the best major would be pharmacy and chemical engineering. Afterwards I started to straighten my mind since a solution was found.
Due to these reasons I manage to maintain my academic performances by excelling in chemistry and physics. Since going to Korea has been my dream, I tried to self-study languages in my free time. At the moment I have finally succeeded in reading the Korean alphabet, Hangul. I'm still trying to improve it by learning simple vocabulary. Together with English, I will be taking an IELTS test in August to show my skills. I have been learning English with a self-study method as well, specifically for the IELTS test, for 3 months. I actually have been learning English for 9 years now since my school provides English lessons.
Additionally, I also started to join competitions that complimented my studies. One of the most memorable competitions is the i3l skinnovation competition series 2023. It's a contest where one group made a natural skincare product with a complete business plan. As I am in charge of the product formulation, it engaged me to explore more natural ingredients and discover how to intensify a product. Moreover, I also learned a great life lesson such as building a great relationship, teamwork, including failing in some circumstances through all the competitions that I've ever been in.
It would have been a lie if I said that I've never been through hardships before. I actually faced depression because of my school's education system, which overwhelmed me in my first year. My old school which I went to for my 9th grade has a moderate teaching and education system. On the other hand, my senior high school is the total opposite of it. Working under pressure, huge competitions, and so on. But I am truly grateful that I moved to SMAK St. Louis 1. I didn't just learn to become the best, but also taught that being a great leader needs more than better grades or achievements, it needs compassion and character. Being forged makes me become the best version of myself.
Apart from all the activities that I've been through, I always spare some free time and do the things that I love, one of them is singing. On top of that, I am an active member in my school's choir called Sinlui Choir. I always have a special place for singing, it gives a feeling where all my burdens are lifted. Being in Sinlui Choir is a true honour which not all students are able to experience all the adventure that I went through. Learning lots of techniques on controlling my voice, producing a healthy sound, and so much more. An important insight that I gained is that working in a team doesn't only mean giving a huge impact on a group, but it's a process to connect with each other alongside supporting instead of trying to stand out.
......(what should I write for the last paragraph?????
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,844 
4786 Remove the reference to language study. There is a specific prompt that will allow you to discuss that in more detail. It is misplaced in this essay and removes the focus from the actual discussion. The content is not really well aligned with the prompt requirements for an undergraduate essay so you may want to review the prompt writing guides, comparing it to your current essay, and then adjusting the content accordingly. Do not worry about your closing paragraph at this point. It is the body of the application essay that you should be focusing on at the moment. Aside from joining skincare competitions, you should mention if you won the competition also. If you did not win, then expand on what lessons you learned from joining the competition.
