The context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your successes

Questbridge National College Match Essay

Just finished the first required essay, and just wanted to know what could be improved/fixed.

Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors helped you to grow?

Essay:
"Never make excuses. Your friends don't need them and your foes won't believe them." -John Wooden. As poetic as my grandmother is, she would have taken this approach on teaching me to persist without delay a little more frankly, under the lines of "stop feeling sorry for yourself".

My grandmother, like the majority of my family, works to see to it that each member live up to their fullest potential, without excuses.

This has always been evident since my move to State College, Pennsylvania when I was four years old. After my parent's divorce, we ultimately migrated from Maryland to move closer to my maternal grandparents, and to ensure that I was subject to the "best" rearing, regardless of my circumstances. With my family's help, I was able to begin violin lessons, which I commit to playing to this day; despite my rather strained relationship with my instrument, I have never failed to use it as motivation to never give up, even at moments where I feel that the violin is more of a commitment than a pleasant pastime. Through my family's encouragement, I began to take theatre classes outside of school. Though it was not here that my career plans crystallized, this early introduction into community theatre planted the seed for my current aspirations. With my family's aid I was able to attend a Quaker school, where advanced learning was fostered along with principles of kindness and fellowship. The unique structure of the curriculum around these pillars played a fundamental role in instilling my current belief system that I fail to stray from. Even though my family was concerned of me being one of five African-American students in attendance, and consequently my ability to fit in, I remained blind to this fact and propelled, and while I was not the most advanced in my class, extracurricular studying of geography and vocabulary with my grandparents allowed me to thrive in my future schooling.

Though my life in Pennsylvania was well grounded, the twelve hour drive to North Carolina, to which my father relocated after he split, drove a wedge in our relationship. My mother, needing of a change in setting, and concerned with my sister and I's connection with our father, decided the best decision was to move to North Carolina.

Unknowing at the time, this shift would play the most pivotal role in my life so far. From staying in a house with seven other relatives, to moving to an apartment in a not-so-good-neighborhood, my life completely changed. Although the move was quite unexpected, and dealt a large dose of culture shock, I did not allow for it to affect my future plans, in fact let it work to my advantage. Charlotte, North Carolina motivated me to begin my search for schools at the tender age of ten, eager to make my own decisions on my major, location, and career. Though the ultimate career goal was subject to several modifications, from vetting, to meteorology, to computer science, my goal to pursue a path in which I would continue learning never faltered.

My solidified career choices came quickly and rather unexpectedly. Though I had been previously involved in theatre, my true passion came from participating in a two-week long summer camp focused solely on the arts. To this small camp, I credit it with assisting me in adopting a career path that would make me content, and influence my most recent choices. The camp inspired to audition for the high school that I am currently enrolled in and deciding that theatre is my track, notwithstanding its lack of practicality. Within a year at the school, theatre became my sun as my life revolved around transforming into another character. As time progressed my mother's workload seemed to only increase, and advised me to take a break from doing shows as she wanted me to pursue a path that would guarantee a decent income, so that I would not be in our current position when I grew up.

Acknowledging her concerns, I refused, and when my mother could no longer transport me to the strenuous rehearsals, I took the bus, despite getting home at late hours that would creep into morning. Through times where I argued with my mother over my choices in spite of her wishes, struggled to find the time to do schoolwork, or took on relatively more independence than my peers, my view of what was to come remained clear.

Though I often reflect on how my life would have been different had I stayed in Pennsylvania, where I had a well established life in a supportive community, I do believe that moving to North Carolina was for the better, as it was here that I determined my own path, and my yearning for independence.

Hi shmunzel,

Great essay. I think it really shows your desire to stay true to yourself and commit to your passion no matter what the cost. As far as ideas go, I would maybe add a story from when you were at the Quaker scool which illustrates the principles of kindness and fellowship and how you embodied them.

Also, your refusal to listen to your mother's request to get a more stable job obviously demonstrates your commitment and sacrifice, but I also imagine that maybe you struggled with doubting whether you were making the right choice. If so, talk about that too.

Lastly, since you're pursuing acting, maybe discuss an actor you wish to emulate and your favorite role they played and why.

Finally, just some editing corrections. Great job!
1) No paragraph break between 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.
2) 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: parent's should be parents'
3) 3rd paragraph: paragraph break between where you talk about the violin and theatre classes
4) 3rd paragraph: "... fact and propelled"; change "propelled" to "persisted"
5) 4th paragraph: change to "my and my sister's"
6) 5th paragraph: "In fact, I let it work to my advantage" should be its own sentence
7) 6th paragraph: "To this small camp, I credit it..." should be, "I credit this small camp..."
8) 6th paragraph: "The camp inspired ^me to audition"
9) 6th paragraph: "and deciding that ..."; "deciding" should be "decide"
10) 6th paragraph: "... seemed to only increase and ^she advised me"

Anthony, the essay is strong, but with a lot of grammatical errors that requires professional editing in order for you to see paragraph improvements. You may also want to consider increasing the explanation about how the environment in Charlotte influenced you to look to your college days at such a young age. What was it about the community that you so obviously wished to get away from so you created many life ambitions for yourself at the age of 10? That would help to further explain the type of personality you developed. which is independent and feisty, and why theater became a release from that stress for you eventually.

I know you have a limited word count so you will need to revise the content of your essay to remove the unnecessary information such as the quote at the start of the essay and the focus on your grandmother. Open with a focus about yourself in relation to your grandmother instead. You are the focus of the essay after all. Don't use quotes, other people's words will never help to properly portray who you are. Only your own words will accomplish that.

By the way, you may want to mention your relationship with your father as part of your personal development explanation. Surely he had some form of influence in your life. If not, then mention that too. After all, your mother moved to be closer to him for your sake. So there is some sort of importance to that relationship. Discuss it in order to complete your development picture.