Am I cool enough? Chevening personal statement (motivation)

Hello everyone! There 4 qeustions of personal statement type in the application form for Chevening scholarship. By the way it's really cool one. The deadline is in few days - 15.11. So I'd be greatful if someone could say your opnion on everything written above. Few things to mention: Education is not a recomended field of study for Ukraine and the stakes are really high. So be sceptical but better if you don't propose me to change everythinh

Q.2 Your academic background:Describe your educational achievements to date. You should explain why you feel confident in your ability to successfully complete your proposed courses of study in the UK, and specify why your courses were chosen.

Studying in the Pedagogical college I was very interested in Social Sciences like Psychology, Pedagogy and Economics. In particular I was captivated by the ideas of freedom in the theories of M. Montessory and A. Neil. I have conducted a research about Montessori's materials for primary school children. Concerning Economics, a business plan I made in the end of the course was recognised as one of the best in the class.

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Q.4 Your career plan and benefit to your home country: Describe your immediate plans upon completion of your Chevening award. You should explain your longer-term (5-10 year) career objectives and describe how your time in the UK will help you achieve these. You should also discuss how a Chevening award would benefit you and your home country.

Depending on what I will study education or marketing, my project number one to develop will be either In Lime club or creating the school.

I have a clear vision on developing In Lime. First of all I want to make it a recognised brand in my city and to find a place for a long term renting. Secondly, I will find people to conduct meetings in other languages. And thirdly, I will make it a national franchise "In Lime - Language & Hang out Clubs". This is what I will do in the nearest 3-4 years.

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Q.2

When you say: I have conducted a research about Montessori's materials for primary school children. don't say " a research," change that to "a research experiment" or "have researched,"

Concerning Economics, a business plan I made in the end of the course was recognised as one of the best in the class. Change "concerning," to something like "As for economics," Also change, "in the end," to "at the end."

"When I started working with the children and running my In Lime club I felt like inventing the wheel again." I'm not sure what exactly you mean by this- do you mean you felt like you needed to do something again? But I'd change it to make it more understandable.

Get rid of so- you don't need a dependent clause here: So I began attending seminars,

enrolling to MOOCs change "to" and make it in

To is like a direction, in kind of means inside.

Course) in teaching, entrepreneurship eliminate in, so just the verb is left.

This is helpful though not enough. I am learning best when there is a teacher-student interaction and guidance of professionals. Anyways, it has made me a self-dependent learner. I'd recommend rewriting this part- most of it is grammatically correct but it sounds strange to an English speaker- kind of overly formal. I'd suggest expanding your sentence to something like, " Enrolling in MOOCs has been a wonderful experience but I've found that I learn more effectively where there's a close teacher-student relationship so that I am able to interact with professors on a one-on-one level."

I want to make changes in the educational system of Ukraine and I plan to do this through runningmy own school based on the best world practices of educating. I know education is not in the list of recommended study fields for Ukraine. But I chose it because I see the urgent need in the new education to satisfy needs of the society emerging now. Besides, the root of all the problems is in the insufficient education. Although I can see this is changing now and I want to join the process.

This is an awesome part in the essay- a sort of literary climax. If you can try and expand a little on why Ukraine needs changes in its education system and how the root of all the problems is insufficient education. You could draw comparisons to famous historical figures who changed things in Eastern Europe- Peter the Great for example (I know he's Russian, sorry I don't know any Ukrainian ones :(

change, "My own school based on the best world practices of educating," to "an education system in schools based on the best education system in the world,"

I feel the lack of theoretical knowledge in these areas. change feel to felt

Besides, the skills and knowledge gained in these courses can be applied both in the private and in public sectors.- change that to something like, "I'm certain that the..."

Ok now for this section- did you get a degree at the college? If you did I'd include that.

Q.3

Add The to the beginning of the sentence. "Children and I,"
Children and I made them together.

These rules are equal both for the me as a teacher and for the children.

Explain what rules you are talking about- what do you mean they are equal?

Another example of my leadership is the Social Tutoring project. I not only conducted the project but also was one of the tutors myself and anyone who enrolled into my project could contact me and ask for advice.

Change, "Everywhere I am I try to create informal and friendly atmosphere to help people be more open."

I am trying to create an informal and friendly atmosphere everywhere I go to help people be more open.

I learned to be a leader mostly when working with groups of children. I developed my leadership skills and created my own style when running In Lime club and Social Tutoring project.

I really liked this one (Q.3) You show what you plan to do and how to do it :D good job