Coordinating people, communicating, sharing ideas and motivating to achieve the desired goal

Hey there,
Am applying for the Chevening Scholarship 2016-2017 and the deadline is approaching. am almost done with my application but i need feed back on my essay question answers; hope to your feed back shortly.

I have always believed that being a leader is not merely the act of leading and directing a group of people; it's more about coordinating with people, communicating, sharing ideas and motivating the group to achieve the desired goal. I personally believe that I work best when given the independence to share my opinions, include my own ideas in the plan and be responsible of the execution.

My first leadership experience was during the Summer of 2013, I started working in Balance General Trading company in Sudan; I first joined with a one month contract to do a specific task; renewing contractual agreements between the company and the distributors. Throughout my period, my leadership skills shined through, leading them to extending my contract to a full time employment for the rest of my summer break (4 months) as a Contracting Specialist & Indoor Sales Representative.

During the four months, the management saw fit to promote me to a Sales Administrator. As a Sales Administrator, my job was to take the responsibilities of maintaining a good relationship with customers, supervising outdoor sales representatives as well as managing the indoor sales representatives inside the showroom.

During the period i administered the sales department, my team and i succeeded in increasing the number of contractual agreements between our company and the distributors, by attracting and convincing new clients to join: Leading to an increase in the overall performance and net profit of the Company.

What makes a leader is the deep rooted commitment and adherence to take the responsibilities & get the required work done properly in order to lead his/ her team to achieve their goal strategically.

What I learned from my experience in balance is a leader is neither a delegated title nor a description of a position held by someone:

A leader is someone who demonstrates the characteristics, dedication and potentials of an influence.

Nice work Reem. However, you still need to provide additional details regarding your leadership and employment skills in order to give the reviewer a better idea of the qualities and traits that you embody as a leader. While you are right that leadership is not a mere title nor position held, as an applicant being asked to demonstrate your leadership skills and influence, you are required to go into greater detail regarding your participation in the activities that you mentioned. So that means that;

1. In paragraph 2, when you discuss your time at Balance General Trading, you need to describe the reasons you got hired for the job in the first place. Give the reviewer an idea as to why the company may have decided to eventually give you full time employment. From the point of full time employment, you need to deliver examples of your leadership and influencing skills, or at least the foundation for it since these skills develop over time.

2. A review of paragraph 2 and 3 in your essay has shown that the two paragraphs should actually be combined into one paragraph. The information you are relaying pertains to the same work position and therefore, should be discussed as a single experience. As you discuss your responsibilities as a leader towards the customers, try to recount a moment when you had to intervene in a situation that could have escalated between management and the customer had you not intervened. That will be your influencing example. As a leader, try to add some information about how you increased the overall performance and profit of the company through your leadership. I know that I keep asking you for examples and justifications but in these sorts of essay, it is demanded that you do so in order to help the reviewer analyze your true potential as a future leader and influential person.

3. You have two stand alone thoughts at the end of your essay. Just combine those lines into a solid closing paragraph. You can't have paragraphs shorter than 3 sentences. From all points, it seems like these lines complement each other so just link them up into one comprehensive thought.

Thank you for your response , your points are very important i will fix them and report the last updated essay ... thanks a bunch