Courage is not born, it is developed; Scholarship 2013

The essay prompt is the following: 250 words or less why I should be awarded the scholarship

I wrote an essay, but I am 21 words over the limit. How can I reduce? Also any other feedback is greatly welcomed and appreciated.

Purpose: I wrote to convey who I am and show that I exemplify the courage to grow.

My draft:
I never thought I'd be where I am today, but it is only after I had the courage to grow that continue to grow. Courage is not born, it is developed; it is a full commitment to push beyond boundaries and to live boldly. Academically gifted from an early age, I had a sense of entitlement and false bravado over inflate my ego as I breezed through school. However, before I knew it my ego and choices stunted my growth leaving me academically above average and desperate for options. By senior year of high school, I went for the university that offered me the most financial aid, even if it was an EXPENSIVE out of state private university. I had the interest to grow, but not the courage. Off I went to New York City where my 1st semester was offset by bad personal choices and puerile ways. I finished that fall with a dismal 2.06 cumulative gpa. By year's end, I had lost the academic scholarship I came for and the pain of disappointing myself, my ancestors, and specifically my parents was overbearing. That pain changed me. I had to grow up. I began committing myself to be better, more demanding, and for growth. I grew and still am growing. Since then I've volunteered more than 300 hours via Americorps. Every semester my grades bettered than previously which culminating in last semester ending with a 3.6 semester gpa. Now, 2 years later, I have a 3.0 cumulative gpa, am currently studying abroad in Europe, and still volunteering through Americorps. I am fully committed now. I have the courage to grow.

Thanks in advance!

Some changes:

today, but it is only after I had the courage to grow that continue to grow. Courage - day since Courage
developed; it is a full - developed; a full
academically above average - academically desperate
out of state private university - you should delete the word private, not really neccessary to mention it since u said EXPENSIVE before
offset by bad personal choices - you should delete the word personal
I had to grow up. - u should delete this sentence since you talk about still growing up in another sentence after that

I hope it helped !!

... This sentence seems to be unclear to me.. BUt that might just be me..


.. hmmm I do not quite agree with this though. I think certain people are born with courage, but it certainly can be developed even further as you have said.

Ok, thank you. Besides the first suggested revision, I can understand the rest of the critique and make the necessary adjustments.

I agree with everyone that the first sentence is confusing, I believe you should start off with one that makes the audience think and engage them in your essay. Be bold. This essay sounds a little disingenuous such as listing the hours you volunteered rather than dedicating those words to further describe your work with Americorps. Also 'lending a hand' sounds like you're not very invested in the volunteering you're doing. As an audience member I see you as slightly egotistical 'academically above average ' ; 'I had a sense of entitlement and false bravado over inflate my ego as I breezed through school.' I think you should add some more as to why it was courageous for you to grow. How did you live boldly and push beyond boundaries?

Hope I was helpful :) Good Luck!!!

Thank you fro your feedback. It is a shame that I've left such an awful impression. Here's my revision of the draft. My problem is it is 19 words over the limit! More help please and thank you.

"Courage is not born, it is developed; it is a full commitment to push beyond boundaries and to live boldly. Academically gifted from an early age, I had a sense of entitlement and false bravado over inflate my ego as I breezed through school. However, before I knew it my ego and choices stunted my growth. I had become an academically underachiever desperate for options. By senior year of high school, I went only for the university that offered the most financial aid, even if it was an EXPENSIVE out of state university. I had the interest to grow, but not the courage.

Off I went to New York City where my 1st semester was offset by bad personal choices and puerile ways. I finished that fall with a dismal 2.06 cumulative gpa. By year's end, I had lost the academic scholarship I came for and the pain of disappointing myself, my ancestors, and specifically my parents was overbearing. That pain changed me. I acknowledged I had my priorities wrong and began committing myself to have the courage to grow.

Since then I've volunteered via Americorps; reading to preschool children, fundraising books for the kids and helping low income families at food shelters. Moreover, each semester my grades improved, which culminated in last semester ending with a 3.6 semester gpa. Now, 2 years later, I am proud to say that I have a 3.0 cumulative gpa, am currently studying abroad in Europe, and still volunteering through Americorps. I am fully committed now, and I know the best has yet to come because now I have the Courage to Grow."

This is good!! The only thing I would change is 'academic underachiever desperate for options' When I said you came off slightly egotistical I didn't mean for you to sell yourself short either. Maybe 'academically malnourished starving for more options.' (idk how to shorten that sorry) or something where you're neither selling yourself short or blowing up your ego. I hope that makes sense.

This sentence isn't about you.


This doesn't tell me why you deserve the scholarship.


Neither does this.

I see where you're going with this paper, but take a look at the prompt. It's asking you to give specific reasons that you deserve the scholarship.

In other words, you have to cite more directly the times you've shown courage and how you've grown from it.

You don't have enough space here to be focusing on your drawbacks.

The repeat of "courage to grow" has a nice effect, but you might be overdoing it. Also, don't capitalize "courage."

I don't know when your essay is due, but here's what I'd suggest:

---Write me ONE sentence telling me YOUR definition of courage.

---Make a LIST of four challenging things that have happened in your life. Keep them totally factual. Label them 1, 2, and 3.

---For EACH of the four events you listed above, write between 75-100 words telling me what you learned about yourself. Do not repeat anything from one item to the next. Every event is different, so every event teaches different lessons.

Don't worry about the word count. I guarantee I can get it short enough.

We'll go from there.

Sounds like a plan!

Courage is an intense belief or countering action admist and against the presence of great fear, risk, or peril.

Challenging Obstacles I feel I've had:
1. Staying in an expensive university accumulating debt from loans in the hope/belief that it will be all worth it.
2. Coming to a foreign country with little ability to speak the language and thus communicate with its people.
3. Focusing on studies and foregoing "fun" in order to be academically successfully; in other words, rearranging my priorities to being conducive to being successful at my #1 job (ocupation: student).

4. Staying committed to ideals and beliefs without compromising them: in other words, having integrity and character.

I've learned that:
1. I've become greatly appreciative of my parents and their personal sacrifices in order to provide for me, my brothers, and ensure the best opportunities in life for us to the best of their abilities. In addition, I've learned that I believe financial knowledge and security to be absolutely necessary to survive in this world ... For if one doesn't have the means, then how is he to get and become whatever he choose to be.

2. The greatest equalizer is to be able to effectively communicate with anyone and everyone. My survival is contingent on my ability to communicate my thoughts and needs. My best personal asset is my ability to speak a number of languages with grace and fluency.

3. My perspective on fun is a work in progress. It is my perception on life that determines my state of mind and all outcomes. I am my behaviors and no matter my intentions, it is my actions that reflect who I am.

4. Who I am needs to be consistent with what I believe in and stand for. I need to stay focused/determined and adhere to my own principles and ambitions, while having the flexibility to adapt and positively be most responsive to change. Above all, never compromise myself or I will lose respect and trust for myself.

This was a pleasant exercise, but I feel I'm missing specificity with those 4 challenges... here's a bit more further clarification
1. Putting myself in considerable debt through my parents to get an education that I hope can provide me with the means to provide for myself, my parents, my love, my needs/wants, and advance me further into higher education.

2. Learning how to survive and adapt in Europe. Bouncing from three countries every five weeks, each country with a language foreign to me.
3. Recognizing and accepting that in order to get where I want to get in life, I must be able to sacrifice that which does not positively empower me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

4. Recognizing and accepting that if I am not 100% transparent between who I am and what I do, then I am not being honest with myself and I am leaving myself not only in conflict but compromised to the point where I am subconciously losing respect for myself.

That seems to be a bit more lucid. Thanks for the feedback. Please keep it coming!