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'The days after that were bleak and insignificant' - ethical dilemma essay



gold42 2 / 5  
Sep 25, 2014   #1
Hi, I was wondering if someone could help me with my essay for Questbridge? It's due in two days. Thank you. :)

Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations.

From Cars to Technology



The minute I entered my father's car on the first day of summer break, I knew something was wrong. His eyes were sunken in and his lips looked so pale they were almost white. Although he tried to smile, the corners of his mouth were so drawn down, it looked more like a scowl. I took a deep breath and asked him what was wrong. I expected him to tell me that our family was having financial difficulties or that he had lost his job, but my father gazed at me with unshed tears in his hazel green eyes and responded, "Jerry has gone to heaven." My little heart dropped heavily to my stomach and my vision became instantly obscured by the trail of tears that never seemed to stop. I listened on with my heart beating against my chest as my father narrated to me the story of how my seven year old brother had a fever and was taken to the doctor and reacted violently to a medicine given to him. My excitement for the summer slowly crumbled around me along with my world.

The days after that were bleak and insignificant. It became harder to get up in the morning and go on with my daily activities. Gloominess hung around my house and family and was evident in everything we did and our overall appearance. I remember when I would go into Jerry's room and gather his clothes to my chest, pretending it was him in my arms. And when I would look at his pictures for hours, wishing I could reach across the glossy piece of paper and pull him into the real world. For a while I let grief take over my life and did not have any direction where I was going. The world was a colorless void space and nothing appealed to me. No amount of 'sorry's' could change what had happened, and although I couldn't change the past, I knew I could move on and hope for a better future.

It took time, but I slowly started to enjoy little activities like arts and crafts and fixing things. I engaged in more fun activities and challenged myself to do things I initially thought I could not. Each time I would occupy myself with an activity or project, such as working on school work or writing a story, I would imagine Jerry behind me, cheering me on to get to the end, to finish. His imagined presence got me through a lot of problems and issues and pushed me to do things I usually would not think of attempting. "Would Jerry be happy if I did this?" became the question I asked myself before I made any important decision. Doing things out of my comfort zone became an exciting experience for me. The world was a place full of different possibilities and opportunities and I couldn't wait to explore.

I learn from every circumstance that I overcome and use the knowledge that I gain to make a better life for myself. The world intrigues and inspires me and my dream is to use what I have learned from my experiences, people, and the things around me to make the world a better place for everyone. I want to study electrical engineering and use technology to improve the lives of those who are not in a position to help themselves. Technology is becoming more advanced every day and I want to be part of the journey. I aim to be a strong and successful woman in the engineering field and provide aid to the disabled, the poor, and everyone else who is need of help. Going to a good university will give me greater opportunities and ensure my prosperity.

I now look forward to learning and having more life-changing experiences. Everything I have gone through have made me the person I am today and I aspire to continue my education and mature intellectually and personally. Even in death, Jerry has always been with me. Everything I do is to make him and my family proud of the person I have now become. I am a more purposeful person every day and since his death, I have started to look at life in a different way. I learn to appreciate the world, the people around me, and be grateful for the opportunities I have been given.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Sep 25, 2014   #2
Hi gold, one of the things that I noticed with your personal essay is that is spends too much time discussing the death of your brother. The learning experience that you gained from it does not kick in until the last 2 paragraphs. Even though this is a biographical essay, it should continuously showcase the growth of your character through the tragedy that you experienced. For every negative or gloomy part of the story that you told, there needed be a lesson learned on your part that reflected the way the event helped shape your personal life and/or aspirations.

What I think you should do is reverse the format of the essay, bring the last two paragraphs up as your introduction and first body paragraph and then move the story of your brother down. Cut the story down to only the important learning elements in order to keep the reader engaged and interested in the development of your story. Make this all about your learning experience from the way you and your family had to recover from his disappearance from your lives. Don't linger too long on the sadness. The essay should still be upbeat with a message of hope and life going on for the best.

I hope my suggestions work for you. Consider them and use the ideas if you think it is something you want to try :-)
OP gold42 2 / 5  
Sep 25, 2014   #3
Sorry, I made a mistake. This is actually the ethical dilemma essay.
Thank you so much for your help. I'll be sure to do that. :)


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