why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals

Sorry for a rough title, the full title should be as follows: why do you deserve the scholarship, how will the program improve your career, educational and personal goals. this is my first part of the essay. i think this would answer the first question, please give me some comments and suggestion. Many thanks

Scholarships aim to praise and nurture talent. The sponsor usually seek for true passion in a particular field and help them out in their academic path. Considering these objectives, I believe that I am adequate and deserve this scholarship

I am currently a final year Bachelor student at Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand. I am doing my major in Accounting and Finance. And I am pretty good at what I am doing. I have a good background. I graduated from one of the most gifted high school in my country. Then, I went to VUW with a scholarship. I continued to work hard and it paid off more or less. I received an Excellence Award for my genuine performance in Accounting subjects and had myself included in the Dean's List for Excellent Academic Performance.

When I first chose my career path, I did not think much. In fact it mostly depended on my ability, what I can do the best. Therefore I decided to study Business. But soon I started to realise my passion for what I have been doing, especially Accounting. Not that I am good at the subject, but I found interest and enthusiasm. I was amazed by the fact that there is no such clear cut between a right or wrong number in accounting. It is up to the accountant to decide which number he is willing to report. From there, the investors can make their decisions. And Finance is another supplement. I was thrilled just to learn how brilliant people come up with plans and strategies to allocate their money to the best advantage. I may not be the best student to capture all at once but my eagerness and curiosity towartds these fields are just as much as any others'.

My parents both came from poor families but they worked their heart out to give me and my brother such as good living conditions as possible. Thus I felt the need to take responsibilities and look after myself and my study at a fairly young age. Since I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have to take extra care and work extra hard in everything. Instanstly I found it exhausting and depressing but I got tougher and tougher. I do not let myself give up on things and get defeated. I did my best in most of the subjects even if this means compromising my pleasure time. Having said that, this does not mean I am a total nerd. I have my own personal life where I hang out with friends and enjoy extra curricular activities. I have been practicing belly dance again after a few-year break. I feel refreshed as I can dance again. My other hobby during the spare time is reading some romance while putting on the music. My mates even compliment me on my taste of music.

I will upload the second part as soon as I finish it. Sorry for doing this way because I am quite in a rush. Any advice would be much appreciated :)

- natural talent


-------- here you use the word ''sponsor'' as a noun which very very rarely happens in usage. That may sometimes tend to confuse the reader as it happened to me :)

Also this sentence has other issues too.... What do you mean by '' The sponsor usually seek for true passion in a particular field '' ?
I believe that I amhave adequate reasons and well deserve this scholarship

I graduated from one of the most gifted high school in my countrys


-------- this may work against your chances of getting the scholarship

BothmM y parents bothcamecome from poor families but they worked their heart out to give me and my brother such asa good living conditions as possible .

Your ideas need better organization and presentation in order to convince the selection panel. I suggest you to answer in the lines they have mentioned ;why do you deserve the scholarship, how will the program improve your career, educational and personal goals

Go according to that order. For example. why do you deserve the scholarship? You can tell about how passionate you are in continuing your studies and the obstacles you face such as financial constraints, family background etc.

Likewise have one para for each prompt.

Try to avoid too many negative sentiments about you :)

Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. For the "sponsor" thing, I meant the people who give out scholarship want to find the best candidates, with passion in their work.

Also can you suggest how many words would be appropriate if they say the upper limit is 1000 words

Go up to 1000 if you can :D
But remember, you need to keep the reader alive up to the 1000th word :D

There is no harm reaching your upper limit of the word count if you have to say meaningful and important things to reach your target, i.e. the scholarship :)

This is my final draft for the whole essay. Would you mind having a look again and see if it can be improved any more ? Many thanks (please refer to my previous post for the requirement, the word limit is 1000, i made it around 800 words)

Scholarships aim to praise people with talent. The funder usually seeks for candidates with passion so as to help them with their academic path. Considering these objectives, I believe that I have adequate reasons and well deserve this scholarship

I am currently a final year Bachelor student at Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand. I am doing a double major in Accounting and Finance. And I almost excel at what I am doing. I possess a good background. After graduating from one of the most gifted high schools in my country, I went to VUW with a scholarship. I continued to work hard and it paid off consequently. I received an Excellence Award for my genuine performance in Accounting subjects and had myself included in the Dean's List for Excellent Academic Performance.

Both my parents came from poor families but they worked their heart out to give me good living conditions. Therefore I felt the need to take responsibilities and look after myself and my study at a fairly young age. Since I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I take extra care and work extra hard in everything. Instanstly I found it exhausting and depressing. Nonetheless this made me tough and mature. I do not let myself give up on things and get defeated. I did my best in most subjects even if this means compromising my pleasure time. Having said that, this does not mean I am a total nerd. I have my own personal life where I hang out with friends and enjoy extra curricular activities. My hobby is reading some romance while putting on the music. My mates even compliment me on my taste of music. On top of that, I work hard because I have passion and enthusiasm for it.

I will be graduating this year end. I am very grateful for my parents' constant support. However, I want to further my education. And keeping asking my parent for support is a good choice. I am grown up and definitely want to lift that burden off their shoulders.

The thought that I will be in one of the economic centres of the world just excites me. Since when I recognised my enthusiasm in the occupation, I am determined to make it my top priority to be able to stay in this business and perhaps work in the most dymanic environment. London School of Business and Finance really gives me everything I could wish for. If I get accepted, this will offer a top-notch education with the privileges of living in a modern city with long lasting history. Having HRH Prince Michael as a patron simply adds to the reputation and recognition of LSBF. I am thrilled to learn from the world-class education and gain access to the start of the art teaching facilities. Together with renowned partnerships and excellent standards, I believe I will be well prepared for the global marketplace. LSBF said "We go further so you go further". The statement is so inspirational that I actually see myself aiming for a better future career. I hope for a well recognised degree and opportunities to work with brilliant people. If I can make it to London, there is nothing more that I will ask for. This means I achieve my goals and make my parents proud. Studying Business at the heart of the economic world is one of life's time experiences. Also getting myself recognized by these honourable people is phenomenal. It will just open a whole new world and future in front of me.

The next reason as to why I deserve this scholarship is that I will be able to fulfill its objectives. Growing up in a poor family and witnessing the hardship of people around me, I feel the urge to make changes. There are unfortunate students failing to chase their dream because of financial difficulties. I believe the economy has to be built on a strong foundation, which is made of talented and passionate people. If possible, I want to give every student the opportunity to receive education from the best institutes around the world. Many of them may not be the best candidates but everybody deserve a chance. We might be able to spark their inner flame and help them live their dream. In other words, we are investing in our future. Talent is not always a gift to be born with, but can be taught and nurtured. The whole idea is to create a superb generation that is able to lead and bring our country forward.

With all the reasonings I am confident that if you are giving me the privilege, I will fulfill my roles and act as a ambassador for LSBF. I will help bring LSBF to Vietnamese students. I am committed to make contribution to my country's emerging economy which really needs more and more young people like us

Thanks Duminda for your great help. I would much appreciate it. I agree that your opening makes more sense than mine. I think I'll go with it if you don't mind

VUW stands for Victoria University of Wellington. I received the scholarship for excellence high school performance, which covered 50% of the first 2 years. then mostly my parents financially support my education. i had a part time job but just partly covered my expenses

I have to admit that I am moved by the way it goes. I think I have to make changes according to your suggestion because it's not a good idea to copy your whole lot. Can you please review the rest ? I think there will be a lot of clumsy writing. thanks a lot.

Some typos;


...and the country that need the it very badly

I know LSBF is the place that I should be in, to make my parents proud and happy

sorry :(

Dumi, I am very grateful. May I ask, how about the rest, are they okay to stay the way they are ?

I read trough what you have written and skimmed the essence of it. So, this covers all the points you've said above, may be in a more concise way. You can have this approach if you like and insert more information that you feel necessary. What I tried to give you was mainly the approach and the structure.

Don't bother about your word count so long as you don't exceed it too much. You can also keep it low too. What matters is that you have meaningful and interesting facts to read. You need to impress the panel with everything you tell them. :)