Hello everyone, I am applying for the Korean Government Scholarship Program 2017. This is my Personal Statement. Please be kind giving me as much comments as I needed. Thank you in advance.
I was asked to write:
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
This is my personal statement :
It took me a long time waiting for this wonderful opportunity. I have had a dream to get a bachelor degree in my dream country, Korea and the Korea Government Scholarship Program (KGSP) will be the bridge for me to archive that dream. Well, the following paragraph will describe my personal statement. There are three main reasons which motivated me for the KGSP. First of all, Korea is well-known for its modern architecture, building and design. It has the most famous, creative structure and building that are known for their unconventional architecture system such as 102 Incheon Tower, Nam San Tower and Incheon International Airport which is known as the largest and busiest airport in Korea. The collection of these amazing architecture made me think how advanced Korea is. Secondly, universities in Korea have strong reputation in the field of design which is the field I have been fascinated in. Furthermore, the academic environment in Korea is highly competitive. Korean takes education-particularly higher education-very seriously. This kind of environment can improve myself to be a serious and confident person. Thirdly, Korea has rich cultures, dynamic life and the best living condition. I have been in love with Korea since I was in high school. I have begun to learn about Korea and got me definitely interested with this country. The study in Korea where long tradition and dynamic modern culture are developed with harmony, is very attractive. If I get the chance to receiving this scholarship and study in this environment, I will be able to develop the leadership and deep insight necessary as a leader to lead the human civilization and creative life in the future.
I was born and raised in a middle class family in Battambang province, Cambodia. There are four members in my family, my parents, me and my younger sister. I have passion for design since I was young. I loved drawing and decorating things with my imagination. I enjoyed making small things like sofa, table or even clothes. It made me truly happy when my parents supported me to follow my passion. My family moved a lot but it didn't affect to my study. As an elder sister, I have been taught to be a responsible and hard-working people to any kind of situation. I have always remembered those word and tried my best to apply them in real life. As a result, I passed the exam with a good result in the first year of the reformed examination system in Cambodia and graduated from high school, which made my parents feel so proud of me. Of course, they are also the ones who have always motivated me to catch my dream and also reminded me not to giving so easily.
I have been fascinated in learning new things since I was young. At the age of 16, I saw my father driving his old car to work. It really attracted me until one day I asked him to take me to his workplace. He agreed and allowed me to sit at the beck seats. I watched him drive the car carefully. I scanned every single actions while he was driving and remembered it. I even dreamed about those activities at night. I followed him to his workplace for three days. He didn't recognized until I asked to let me drive him to work. He surprised and asked me who taught me that. I told him that I followed and learned from him. This is an unforgettable memory that I achieved and feel excited the most. Moreover, my father is my role model. I have learned lots of things from him and he is also my inspiration.
As a high school student, I have always been interested in community activities. I have joined a program at school, cleaning up the trashes and educating people about disadvantage of throwing the trashes in the wrong way. I have also attended seminars which were talked about some real problem in the society such as air pollution, traffic accident, etc. In addition, I have attended as a Red Cross Youth volunteered, helped solve and educated the passenger on the road about the cause of how to drive safety every weekend. One most important thing is, this year I will take a role as a good citizen, register to vote for the next election year. This is a necessary obligation that general citizen must do, to show responsible as a good citizen.
My received awards
-Certificate of Graduation from high school in 2014.
-Certificate of appreciation in grade 11 with number 2.
Sincerely,
Hi Sovankaruna, welcome to the big family of EssayForum. We aim to give accurate and constructive feedbacks to all members who need help to polish their writing. Here are several takes on your essay:
First, I did some revision on your essay:
- I have had a dream (...) my dream country, Korea.(full stop)andThe Korea Government Scholarship ...
- Well, the following paragraph will ... There are three main reasons which motivated me for the KGSP.
- Korean takes education-,(put a comma instead) particularly higher education, very seriously.
Secondly, the thing that makes a personal statement interesting is how you "tell" your details, not only mention your personal background. It will be better for you to make it a little bit like a narration about your personal background or all the things explained in the prompt. In addition, the idea in the first paragraph looks okay, but if you add more acceptable reason (about the exclusive of Korea and its relation with your future major) it will improve the paragraph and attract the reader to read your essay.
You need to consider that there are hundreds or even more personal statements like yours and how did they select the scholarship candidate. Try to think as the reader during writing because writing means nothing without readers. Regards.
