My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me

Provide a personal statement detailing your personal and/or academic goals

Goal differs with respect to humanity. Everyone has his/her ambitions and tries to work hard before such goals can be achieved.My early fascination for computers,combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me a lot. Academically my goal is to become a computer engineer who will meet the demands of the people. Ever since i was a child, i have been fascinated by the capabilities of humans. Unlike any other species,we have the power to create and innovate.I have always found liking in those who can create and captivate.The prodigy of the human mind that amuses me the most is technology.Technology is dynamic. Each day technology changes and the people's demand increases daily, it is the ultimate manifestation of the human mind as it is something completely created by the minds of humans. This fascination is what spurred my interest in the computer engineering field. This field will allow me to aid humanity and to provide hope to mankind.

In this era of information technology,i feel a sense of pride in being so closely associated with this field of computer science. I hail from a very small industrial community where education is given a very high priority. This background inculcated in me a deep inclination for academics from the very beginning. The subjects that attracted me most were mathematics,computer and physics. In order to pursue a career in science and engineering,i am applying for this scholarship at the University of Toronto. My main goal is to get an overview of various fields in computer science and identify a field of interest in which i can pursue my career. Within a decade or so i visualize myself as a full-fledged computer engineer in an organization or a faculty member at one of the leading universities. There are few things i value so much and i strongly believe in them,these are hard work,discipline and persistence,and am still working towards them to achieve a better me.

My reason for applying for an undergraduate scholarship at the university of Toronto was after i had gone through the school brochure and realized there also exists a vast gamut of opportuinities,especially excellent computer facilities which suits my interest extremely well.

In conclusion, i am fully aware that to pursue this career,i require a constant,well-directed and whole-hearted effort. I am confident that i would meet all the above demands. Hence i appeal to the mastercard foundation to consider me for admission and financial aid.

Hi Valerie,
I can sense that you have really thought about why you want to be a computer engineer. To make your response more personal to you, I think you should write why your academic goal of being a computer engineer is personal to you because a lot of people have the same academic goals but they want to know why yours is personal to you because every applicant is different. Your academic goals may not differ but it's personal effect or goals differs. So what is your personal goal and why/how is your academic goal personal to you?

How will this field allow you to aid humanity and provide hope to mankind?

I believe these changes will make your response to the prompt to stand out.

Valerie, the first thing I need to understand is, are you writing this personal statement of academic goals for the Mastercard Scholarship Foundation or as an application for the U of T? The type of content and focus of the essay will differ depending upon the type of reader it is meant for. Kindly provide us with a copy of the complete prompt that you are responding to so that we can spot the difference and actually tailor our advice for the correct audience that will be reading your essay.

Now, the first mistake that you made in this essay is the fact that you spent more than a paragraph on defining what a goal is. What is means to you and its relation to your mindset as a child. Skip that part. Those are all unimportant at college level essays. Your essay can best start off with the second paragraph because it immediately draws the attention of the reader to your goals as a college student.

However, your reasons for choosing U of T are definitely weak and will not impress the reviewer. You based your statement off a student brochure, which tells the reviewer that you did not base your decision to attend this university on a personal connection or understanding of what the school has to offer you. The comments are too vague and would sound very weak even for any other generic school that it could be referring to. So you need to research the actual background of the school in terms of academics and campus life if you wish to create that internal connection between the two.

These are the general comments and observations that I have for your essay. I may add and adjust my advice to you depending upon the target audience of your essay as based upon the actual prompt requirement.

I really do agree with Holt you I don't think you need to include the definition of goals. You did not fully answer the question, it requires you find the connection with between your goals and hopes.

Prompt provide a personal statement detailing your personal and/or academic goals and how your personal life experience shapes or impacts your hopes for the future.

`thanks guys for your corrections this is a new essay i just wrote please i need your support

Valerie, your personal statement is all over the place. It lacks a clear focus that will show and tell the reviewer all about your personal and academic goals. I suggest that you outline your discussion topics before you write your essay so that you will be able to present the essay in a coherent manner. Right now, the essay is very confusing to read. Here is how I suggest that you approach this essay:

Par. 1 - Introduction to your personal goals. You have discussed how your family is very education oriented in the current version of your essay. You even discussed what attracts you to academic study. However, the representation of the personal goal, the personal fulfillment that you would want to achieve through this line of study is not present. In the personal statement, you have to make sure that you present personal goals and not simple overviews of family based orientation regarding certain topics such as education. Your personal goals should somehow tie in with your academic goals. For example, someone from a very poor family will look to attending college as a stepping stone to a better life for himself and his family. If you can find a personal connection along those lines, something that will alter the course of your future, then you will have found the topic for your personal goal.

Par. 2 - Introduction to your academic goals. Talk about how you decided to choose this major because it is in line with your learning interests and as such, is sure to help you have a better future. Discuss how you feel by enrolling in this major, you are sure to graduate from college as opposed to enrolling in a course that may assure you of a better income in the future, but may not be able to hold your interest and cause you to drop out.

Par. 3 - Should discuss how your choice of U of T ties in with your personal and academic goals. Look at how your educational interests can best be served by the university. We are talking about really getting to know the course offerings and training programs that the school has to offer you. Choose your major, find the subjects of interest to you, then close with the kind of training and education that the university offers that enticed you to enroll there.

Note: Remove the reference to the financial aid at the end of the essay. This is a personal statement and hence, does not require a reference to how you plan to pay for college. Notice that you were not asked about that in the prompt. So there is no need for you to make mention of it at this point. How you will pay for college is still not in consideration by the reviewer while reading this application essay.

Excluding my note above, all of my suggestions are meant to help guide you towards developing a better personal and academic goals essay. Also, don't hesitate to just write about just your personal goals or just your academic goals if you feel that you cannot write a solid combination essay. The prompt gives you the option to choose one, the other, or both for your essay topic. So write the strongest possible essay for you based upon the strongest point of discussion that you feel you can create for yourself.

@Holt
i dont know how to write an essay, i joined so you can assist me please

Valerie, if that is the case, then look into writing only one of the requirements of the prompt. I suggest that you write your essay based upon your academic goals because that is the strongest point of both versions of your essay. By concentrating on your academic goals, you will be able to focus on completely explaining why you have chosen this particular major at the U of T and also, offer an idea as to where you see your career headed in the future. Try to develop a new essay, this time, just talking about your academic interests and what your goal is for enrolling at U of T under this major. I need to get a sense of what your purpose is for attending college so that I can better advice you as to how to write this essay. Write a draft and post it in this thread. We will start the writing of your essay from there.

@Holt
you ca use the essay to write for me.. please my deadlie is today

Valerie, you must be mistaken about the kind of help that we offer here. We are here to assist you with your writing needs. We are not here to write the essay for you. Our job is more of guidance towards the improvement of your essay. If you want someone to write your essay for you, consider hiring a professional writing service instead. That is not what we do here. As our slogan goes "Free writing, editing, and research help for students". The keyword to the service we offer is "HELP", as in "to assist". We guide you in writing. Use your words, listen to our reviews, and adjust your paper content according to our advice. We cannot write this paper for you. That is not how our assistance works.

I can improve upon the essay that you wrote, provided you had written the correct essay in the first place. The information that you have in your current work is not complete enough for me to be able to help you develop a fresh paper. I cannot make up information for you so I cannot write this paper for you either. Sorry about that. You should not have procrastinated in developing your application essays. Now, I fear that you may not make your deadline.

Write your essay now, based upon the advice that I gave you in the previous threads. I will wait for your paper and guide you in properly addressing the needs of the prompt. I will be on stand by. I apologize but I cannot write this paper for your. Our service just doesn't work that way. If you work fast enough, you just might be able to make the deadline for your application today.