Not finished just wanted to see if this was a good jumping off start.
sharing knowledge throughout the world
Education is connected to all aspects of our nations. It is key to gender equality, reduces chances of poverty, important in politics, industry, justice, health, etc. Every civilization since the beginning of mankind have place high value on education. Egyptians developing hieroglyphs in Ancient Egypt as early as 3200 BC to Einstein's Theory of Relativity in the early 1900's, there has always been a thirst for education to make this current generation better than ones before.
Our world today is much different than that of Ancient Egypt or Einstein's world. Gender and race inequality along with violence and hatred fill our lives through our daily news feeds. Education can make it clear to the world that sharing knowledge will bring peace to us all.
What kind of feedback that you expect if you don't include the prompt of it? Since this is a 'scholarship' category, there must be a clear prompt that tells you what to write or what to elaborate. If I read and take a closer look on your draft, you did explain about education and the history of it. What for? I have known some scholarship essays but they never tell its candidates to explain about the history of education like what you did. Most of them tell their scholarship candidates to give some clear reasons about "why do you want to study there?", "what are your goals in life?", "what will you do for your home country after graduating from the university?", and many other similar prompts available. The thing is that I suggest you to write what the prompt tells you to do. You don't need to explain the general history or information that most of people have already known about it.
Therefore, you can just reply this message by giving a clear prompt about your essay and I will proofread them again.
Hope this helps :)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15461 Ansley, when you write a scholarship essay, regardless of the prompt, there is always one important and motivating factor you have to consider, the personal reasons for your desire to gain a scholarship. A scholarship essay is not the same as a research paper. Which is what you have started to write here. Unless, you accidentally placed a research paper draft in the scholarship section? Hey, it sometimes happens here. In which case, you just have to correct my impression and give me a better idea of what the research is all about.
However, if you have really written this for a scholarship application, then this is the wrong way to go. Don't approach it like a research paper because that is definitely not what is required in a scholarship essay. Would you mind posting the complete instructions for this essay in the next thread so that I will have a better idea as to the direction the essay has to take ? Right now, even without the prompt, I know that this is not the direction for this essay. I just can't offer you better advice as to how to correct it without the complete prompt instructions. I am more than happy to help you, provided you equip me from your end to do just that.
Hi Ansley, I will try offering improvement in your paragraphs.
Firstly, You should pay attention to meaning and avoid ambiguous in creating sentences.
It is key to gender equality, reduces chances of poverty, important in politics
It is a key to equality of gender and reduces chances of poverty, especially in sectors of politics, industry, justice, and health.
Actually, your sentences relate to each other. However, you did not present linking words so that you can lead to readers from a topic to another topic. That can also create a good flow logically.
On the other hand, you are supposed to double check your writing. I have found a few minor errors in the grammar. You are not able to heed them because those can break the quality of your writing. You should concern to verb agreement, singular/plural, and usage of the articles.Following that, you can accustom using advanced vocabularies to impress readers. However, you don't forget collocation of your vocabularies so that those disturb your flow. Sometimes you need to check usage of vocabularies in a dictionary so that you use them appropriately.
I really believe you can master the writing skill if you practice more and more. Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing this.
GOOD LUCK 