Financial need letter (to obtain a Bachelor's Degree in Engineering)

I am in the process of applying for the Harrison McCain foundation scholarship based on financial need. At the moment I need help closing my personal letter about what the scholarship would mean to me.

My name is Matthew Kendell and I am a Level three student at Bay d'Espoir Academy. Coming from a five person household with only one breadwinner, things have always been tight for my family. It is not that we have ever done without the essentials; it is simply that we don't have some of the luxuries that other people take for granted. As such, it has not been possible for me to rely on parental aid for my education.

This coming fall, I am attending Memorial University to obtain a Bachelor's Degree in Engineering. I have the ability to not only perform what is asked of me, but to reach above and beyond any set expectations. I have the determination, the ability and most importantly the drive to take myself to the stars and back and never let anything slow me down along the way. I, however, face a difficult problem. In my current financial situation, it is not feasible to attend university without relying fully on provincial and federal loans, and paying my own way through the next five years of my life. My chosen path will be that much rockier, having to work double duty in the workforce, and perform impressively as a student. Despite this, I am entirely willing to go the distance if it means acquiring an education that will last a lifetime.

What would this scholarship mean to me? It would mean I could be free. To me, education means freedom, and without a degree I will never truly be free. This scholarship for me could very well mean being able to afford getting a degree; simply, my future. By receiving this scholarship, I will be able to pursue my post-secondary education without needing to worry about books, tuition, and the bare necessities. However, it is not enough to provide for myself. To use my education only for myself would be selfish. With things being as they are, this scholarship would not only mean the world to me, but to my family as well. After obtaining my degree and taking care of my loans, I will be in a position to contribute to an educational fund for my two younger brothers so that they will have better opportunities than I, and will not have to worry about being able to afford schooling.

I realize, of course, there are dozens of other applicants and these words have all been read before, but (I had an idea of what was going to follow this but I lost it unfortunately)

Any help regarding how to close my letter, or continue on with the last sentence would be greatly appreciated. Feedback welcomed as well.

Your writing is great, especially your opening!

What would this scholarship mean to me? It would mean that I could be free.

With things being as they are, this scholarship would not only mean the world to me, but to my family as well.

After obtaining my degree and taking care of my loans, I will be in a position to contribute to an educational fund for my two younger brothers so that they will have better opportunities than I, and will not have to worry about being able to afford an education .

I realize, of course, that there are dozens of other applicants, and that these words have all been read before, but ...How about something like, "...these words have all been read before, but all I can do is write them in the hopes that you'll see this fire in me, this need to make a better life for myself and my family." You're such an excellent writer, it doesn't seem like you'll have any trouble with an ending...mine may sound a bit dramatic. Actually, you're so articulate and your letter is so well written, that I'd be very surprised if you do not get it. I read a lot of essays and letters like this, and yours is one of the best, most well written I've seen.

Good luck in school!
:)

Thanks so much for your help, and feedback. I've got a two page essay to write after this and I'm hoping that locks in the scholarship for me. I've got two strong reference letters to go along with it. If you don't mind, I may post my essay here afterwards for some review

Thanks again :D

*edit: Added an ending. "I realize, of course, that there are dozens of other applicants and that these words have all been read before, but all I can do is write them in the hopes that you see a flicker of who I am and what these words truly mean to me. "

This a well written essay. Very descriptive and personal and I like the cohesiveness and transitions made your essay flow very well. Am not sure if this applies to you because I know some countries spell words differently but the spelling of the word "favorite" in the second paragraph, 3rd sentence may need to be revised that was the only thing I saw in terms of corrections. Other than that well put together essay and good luck on the scholarship I believe you will get it!