Dear Forum Member,
Hello. I am Basma Tarek from Egypt. I received a master degree in Pathology and i am applying for a PhD scholarship offered by Swiss government. I apprecaite your help in EDITING and IIMPROVING my motivation letter for the scholarship. I put an introduction and described my experience and how how the scholarship will be helpful to me and what is my plan after the degree. Thank you ahead and waiting for you opinions.
here is the mootivation letter
Once one said, "follow excellence. And success will chase you". When I started Pathology during my undergraduate studies, it completely fascinated me by its concept. I believed then that Pathology is the tangible science and the backbone of becoming a skillful veterinarian. Not so many years later, I knew that pathology is my passion and excelling it will be the key of my success. Therefore, I am applying for Swiss Government Excellence Scholarship.
As an undergraduate student, I had the opportunity to experience everything possible. I attended conferences, visited and trained at different veterinarian institutions, traveled to USA as a part of an exchange program and worked as a residential counselor then as a horseback riding instructor at Camp Horizons for special needs (Connecticut, USA). All combined gave me a new perspective and reinforced my team skills and confidence. After my graduation, I rotated between different clinical specialties in both small and large animals for a year. A year later, Animal Health Research institute (AHRI) hired me as a veterinarian and I applied for a Master degree in Pathology and received the degree. In my thesis, we evaluated the neuroprotective effect of some common natural products against acrylamide neurotoxicity. We used a variety of methods in peripheral and central nervous system for my assessment. Beside our results regarding the effect of the used products, we found out the appearance of Lewy-like bodies (appeared also in neurodegenerative diseases) in the intoxicated rats by acrylamide. My thesis gave me the opportunity to try everything, know my potentials, learn from my mistakes, and practice every available equipment put under my hands. Apart of this degree, I designed, helped, and added to my experiment and other colleague's experiments. In addition, I fulfilled my position as a veterinarian at Animal Health Research Institute. Working within a team and adapting to new environments were skilled by working in a team back in USA and here during my master degree.
What I learned during my master degree was thrilling but not enough for me. I am craving to learn more especially with what Bern University can offers me. It will provide me to work at environment focusing heavily on molecular pathology research, to be taught and supervised by board certified pathologists and to receive PhD degree from world-recognized university. Swiss Government Excellence Scholarship can be the perfect start for me to learn more not only in molecular pathology but also to test my knowledge, push my potentials and improve my research skills. By the assistance of the scholarship, I will work in project that is covering a methodology that is rarely used in Egypt because of its high expenses, lack of the training and the limited facilities. In addition, I will have the ability to explore and deeply study a branch of pathology I never practiced in depth before and it will definitely open many doors for future opportunities in this field.
By receiving a PhD degree from European university, I will be able to fulfill the requirements needed to be a board certified in anatomic pathology, which will start my career, enable me to meet pathologist from all over the world, and share our work together. Being a biomedical researcher and a board certified pathologist will enable me to train and share my knowledge with my colleagues and future students to be certified pathologists. In addition, being the second accredited pathologist in Egypt who received her education in Switzerland will definitely qualify me to train and establish my accredited training program, which is really needed here. I am actually planning to start my own scientific project that will develop my home institution. Finally, I am looking forward to resume my work in Switzerland through post-doctoral studies and joint projects between Egypt and Switzerland that will give us the opportunity to grow and explore new frontiers in Pathology.
Therefore, I wish to be considered for Swiss Government Excellence scholarship as I look forward to learn, grow, and fulfill my passion. In addition, I hope to follow excellence and have the knowledge that will benefit both Egypt and Switzerland in the near future. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your acceptance.
Hi Basma, I have to say, you really have an impressive veterinary background. Your letter is complete to a great degree and states all of your plans for your future career. This is a highly impressive draft letter of motivation. I call it a draft because it has to be shortened in length and edited for content. We need to make sure that only the truly relevant information, and not information that can be found in the additional documents that you will be submitting to the reviewer will be included. At this point, we need to avoid a repetition of information since information regarding your undergraduate studies and masters degree course are part of the documents that your reviewer will be considering and verifying for validity and accuracy. So, which paragraphs should we remove from the essay? In my opinion, we can delete paragraph 1-2.
Remember that you have already completed your masters degree and have advanced your career skills and profession to a far greater degree than you did during your undergraduate studies. Therefore, the undergrad reference is now irrelevant to your application. As a PhD applicant, the pertinent information you should include must cover your further training received or seminars attended after you completed your masters degree. These are the career related information on your end that will have an impact on your possible PhD enrollment. The idea is that you need to prove that you have reached a point in your career where you are now not just a regular employee, but a person who has the ability to lead and improve the field of expertise you participate in.
What I would like you to do instead, is highlight your accomplishments after you completed your masters degree. I believe that is a discussion that you presented in Paragraph 3. So that will now become paragraph 1. Paragraph 2, should now reflect the particular PhD research that you plan to undertake. Don't describe your plan for research as you did in your current paragraph. Instead, come up with an interesting title for it, then describe the goal of the research. That is a move that is aimed at showing the reviewer how you plan to spend your time as a PhD student and how the university can expect you to perform as a student there. Remember, these universities have study grants that you can use to help you begin and continue your research. Provided you can sell them on your research idea and you can find a specific professor whose study aligns with yours and thus, can serve as your mentor.
I don't have any problem with the information that you present in the latter part of your letter. It is helpful in the sense that it outlines your plans for your career after graduation. Reviewers always like to see those future plans because it means that you are serious about these studies and you will most likely complete the course. So, research plan + future career plans = interesting motivational letter.
Here's hoping that my advice can help you further improve your motivation letter. I hope I can read its revision in the future :-)
Thank you vangiespen for your valuable ideas. Unfortunately i just finished my master degree a month ago so there was no time for me to accomplish after the degree. So do you have any advice regarding that? for example, can i add the experiences and seminars i attended during my master degree?
Dear Vangiespen and anyy other forum memeber who is reading this post,
I rewrote my motivation letter upon your suggestions and hope it is representative enough for me to get this scholarship. i am aware it is long but i didn't exceed 2 page limit they required. so please feel free to edit or add or remove. thank you ahead for your help.
here is the new draft:
To whom it may concern,
I always believed that studying abroad at one of the top universities in the world can be the key to become a great veterinary researcher and a board certified pathologist who is able to pass her knowledge to others. That is why I couldn't miss the opportunity to apply to Swiss Government PhD Scholarship as it sponsor ambitious students like me to study at excellent universities as University of Bern with an outstanding program that can be the milestone of my career.
My passion with Pathology started after seeing how it can offers the definite evidences to diagnose a disease and how can it facilitates the road to prevent and/or fight a disease. Therefore, I applied for a master degree in Pathology and Clinical Pathology as soon as I graduated from Faculty of veterinary school at Assiut University. My research was about Toxicological pathology as I recorded the effect of acrylamide as a neurotoxicant and used natural herbal antioxidants as garlic oil and thymoquinone as preventive drugs as it proven its ameliorative effect against neurotoxicity.
During my master degree Prof. Sary Abd Elgaffar teamed my experiment with Libyan student from Science Faculty which shown my capabilities to work in a team. In addition, I attended conferences as Scientific Conference of Veterinary Medical Society for Pathology and Clinical Pathology in Cairo and received training in Electron Microscopy uses and techniques, introduction in Nanotechnology and its uses, prism and EndNote. I also took online courses as writing in Science by Stanford University. All of that qualified me to help many of my colleagues in my home institute in their theses and give a course about EndNote at my institute.
What I learned during my master degree was thrilling but not enough for me. I am craving to learn more especially with what a PhD program at Bern University can offers me. Determining the involvement of PECAM-1 (a cell membrane receptor) to Clostridium perfringes beta-toxin on endothelial cells using modern gene technology in cell cultures in my PhD research protocol is the reason why I pursue pathology research in the first place. I will be able to provide a better understanding for the pathogenesis of a dangerous disease to both human and animal health. I will have the opportunity to contribute to the team working at Animal Pathology institute to develop new therapeutic drugs from the bacterial toxin that can be used specifically in targeting vascular cell population of human and animal cancers.
The PhD scholarship will give me the opportunity to study host pathogen interaction in depth, train intensely in molecular pathology and its techniques, explore new ideas, and learn from my teammates and coworkers in the institute. In addition, I will be able to improve my skills at scientific writing, presentation skills, and experimental designing and analysis. By the assistance of the scholarship, I will work in a project that is covering a methodology that is rarely used in Egypt because of its high expenses, lack of the training and the limited facilities. The start of everything is usually challenging but I am a hard worker and I will do as I always do. I will catch up quickly and become accountable and useful to my colleagues in a very short time.
Upon completing my PhD degree, I wish to receive additional training to achieve the Diplomate of the European Collge of Veterinary Pathology (ECVP), which will make me internationally recognized pathologist and the first in the country to receive prestigious diplomate like it. That will qualify me to train and establish my accredited training program, which is really needed here. Additionally, PhD degree will definitely promote me in my home institute and possibly give me the opportunity to be offered a new position as a lecturer in the Pathology department in any of the new faculties opening in the country. I will also have the right to apply to any of the grants offered by Science and Technology development Fund (STDF) that I will use to start a project, which will be collaborated with Assiut University and University of Bern. Finally, I am looking forward to resume my work in Switzerland through post-doctoral studies and joint projects between Egypt and Switzerland that will give us the opportunity to grow and explore new frontiers in Pathology.
Therefore, I wish to be considered for Swiss Government Excellence PhD Scholarship as I look forward to learn, grow, and fulfill my passion. In addition, I hope to follow excellence and have the knowledge that will benefit both Egypt and Switzerland in the near future. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your acceptance.
Respectfully,
Basma, you may add a reference to any seminar or conference you attended outside of the masters degree course. You don't need to list the classes / seminars that you attended under the direction of the course. Make sure that you include information about the topics covered and what you learned from the seminar / conference. Explain how you see yourself applying these lessons in your future employment as well.
You say that you just graduated a month ago from your masters course? Congratulations then. You have accomplished the first part of your task. Was there any chance that you managed to attend some sort of hands on training or maybe you participated in some sort of internship program during this time? Those events can take the place of and are quite acceptable as "work experience" in relation to your masters degree. It is important that you depict some sort of real world application for what you have learned so that you can justify the need for your PhD course.
Normally, it takes a few years after completing the masters degree course before a professional goes for his PhD. Since you are jump-starting your career then we need to find creative ways of delivering the demands of this course in terms of requirements and experience. Tell me about your work related activities in line with your masters that you have done over the past month. I am sure there are at least one or two that we can spin into the work experience or additional training requirements that you need. How about the research aspect? Do you think you have any ideas for a research project that we can develop together? These are all ideas that I am offering to you in an effort to try and improve the content of your paper :-) I hope these ideas will be useful to you.
Dear Louisa, your contribution is really helpful to me. may i know if the secon motivation letter is better or not and in which way?
I work at a research institute where i am allowed to continue my post-graduate studies and my job in the institute include collecting serological and pathological samples of endemic diseases in my governerate. i know it is not much because we are a branch not the main center. i am not sure where and hoe to added to the letter.
I mentioned most of the courses and seminars i attended because it is relevant to my PhD. i wanted to show them that i have the skills to use statistics program and reference manager programs because it is important for my PhD as well as how to write a scientific paper. that is why i included them all. i tried to use everything i learned to help my colleagues.
Regarding the past month, i took IELTS exam because it is required as English is not my mother language.
Finally to be hosnet, yes i mentioned that i want to start my project later but i am still quiet new in the research field (only three years) so i have some interests but like my PhD field of study and neuropathology but no specific topic in mind.
I am sorry i didnt leave with much to work with but i am looking for your help to make this motivation letter better.
Thank you
Basma, there is no need to apologize :-) There is a saying that goes "you work with what you've got". That is exactly what we have to do with your letter for the scholarship. I am quite impressed that you chose to put yourself on the line this way, presenting yourself in such a prone manner to the reviewer. Your passion and desire to improve your chosen profession is highly evident in the letter and touches the heart in more ways than one.
I am looking at the letter now from the point of view of a scholarship reviewer. Your opening paragraph immediately draws my attention because of the way that you seem to have a selfless personality. Immediately telling the reviewer that you are doing this not for yourself, but for the betterment of the industry was an excellent touch. It made me, in the guise of a reviewer, want to read more of your essay.
I finished reading your essay to the very end and came to the conclusion that while it may not compare in terms of credentials to the other applicants, your heart is what makes this essay stand out and stand a chance at consideration. I can understand the length, we need to present all your other credentials in a strong manner. You did that.
However, you may want to review the essay and decide for yourself which portions can be deleted in order to shorten the essay a bit. Maybe you can shorten the part about your career plans after completing your PhD? I was thinking that you can choose the more important career path to present in order to just give the reviewer an idea of your future plans. It does not have to be set in stone, he just needs to know you have some plan for your career after you graduate :-)
Thank you Loiusa for you kind reply. I said everything i got because when we need help we should not be ashamed of what we got, it is actually the reason why we keep moving. I will take your advice regarding the last paragraph and have another look.
Unfortunately, i have to finish it and review it today to send it by tomorrow before the deadline. so is there any grammer mistakes or any advice that i can do to improve it?
Thank you for your time and help :-)
Basma, please bear with me as I correct your essay by paragraph. We just need to work on the grammar points right now. Don't touch the message anymore. The message is fine. Just choose a paragraph or two to delete on your own :-)
Par. 1:
I HAVE always believed that studying abroad
at one of the top universities in the world can IS be the key to become BECOMING a great veterinary researcher
who is able to pass her knowledge ON to others.
opportunity to apply to FOR A Swiss Government PhD Scholarship as it sponsorS ambitious students like me to study FOR STUDIES at excellent universities SUCH as THE University of Bern with an outstanding program that can be the milestone of my career.
Par. 2:
seeing how it can offersthe definite evidences to diagnose FOR DIAGNOSING a disease and how can it facilitates the road to prevent
Therefore, I applied for a master degree in Pathology and Clinical Pathology as soon as I graduated from Faculty of veterinary school at Assiut University.
My research was about Toxicological pathology as WHERE I recorded the effect of acrylamide as a neurotoxicant and used natural herbal antioxidants as LIKE garlic oil and thymoquinone as preventive drugs as it HAS proven its ameliorative effect against neurotoxicity.
Par. 3:
During my master degree STUDIES, Prof. Sary Abd Elgaffar teamed my experiment with A Libyan student from THE Science Faculty which shown ED my capabilities to work in a team.
In addition, I attended conferences SUCH as THE Scientific Conference of Veterinary Medical Society for Pathology and Clinical Pathology in Cairo
I also took online courses as IN RELATION TO writing in Science by AT Stanford University.
Par. 4:
What I learned during my master degree was thrilling but not enough for me. I am craving to learn more especially with what a PhD program at Bern University can offers me.
my PhD research protocol is the reasonS why I AM pursue ING pathology research
I will be able to provide a better understanding for OF the pathogenesis of a dangerous disease
contribute to the team working at THE Animal Pathology institute
Par 5:
In addition, I will be able to improve my skills at IN scientific writing, presentation skills, and experimental designing and analysis.
By WITH the assistance of the scholarship, I will work in ON a project that is covering COVERS a methodology
Par. 6:
which will make me AN internationally recognized pathologist and the first in the MY country to receive THE prestigious diplomate like it .
Additionally,A PhD degree will definitely promote me
I will also have the right to apply to FOR any of the grants offered by THE Science and Technology development Fund (STDF)
Finally, I am looking forward to resume RESUMING my work in Switzerland through post-doctoral studies
Par. 7:
Therefore, I wish to be considered for THE Swiss Government Excellence PhD Scholarship as I look forward to learnING, growING, and fulfillING my passion. In addition, I hope to follow CONTINUE THE TRADITION OF excellence ESTABLISHED BY BERN IN ALL MY UNDERTAKINGS, and have the knowledge that will benefit both Egypt and Switzerland in the near future. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your acceptance.
Thank you very much. I did all of your grammer corrections and i will try to shorten it a bit
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