"I won't give up any chance" - Essay for NTU Scholarship Application

Well, I hope there is someone to correct my grammatical errors>.<..and my way of writing?

Describe, in less than 300 words, a short essay on a subject of personal importance to you. You may choose any topic. Examples include: an event which has influenced you or a family member/friend/person who had a significant influence on you.

My willing to progress in life is so vehement. If it were three years ago, perhaps for the last 17 years of my life, I would not be saying this. I used to be self-centered and arrogant, a person who thought he is typically a genius.

Back to the time when I was always the top student in primary school and secondary school, I never do revisions, and yet can score high marks in quizzes and examinations. This doted me until 2008. I was haunted by humiliation as I nearly failed my SPM. I hate myself for screwing up my SPM. I hate myself for letting them down, my teachers and my family. Then, most of my friends got their scholarship, and furthered their study.

My Dad works as a lorry driver which is an extremely tiring job, and sometimes a dangerous one. Watching him slave over days and nights, seven days a week just to make a RMY2100 monthly, I knew I cannot request to study abroad. Study abroad is too expensive, so in my case scholarship becomes the only chance. I decided to take STPM as my stepping stone, I want to strive for success! Genius is one percent inspiration. I want to prove that with the ninety-nine percent perspiration, I can get what I want. I work very hard, taking every day as a challenge. I took time to understand any concepts and academic lessons. Finally, I excelled in my STPM. As for all my science subjects speaks for my hardwork.

In case I get enrolled into NTU, I assure that I will be a serious and tinkering one. The hard years had taught me a lot, I won't give up any chance.

My willingness to progress...I never did revisions...and yet canscored high marks in quizzes and examinations...then ,conversely, most of my friends got their scholarships and, furthered their studies...Studying abroad is too expensive...a scholarship is the only chance...all my science subjects (grades?) are reflective of my hard-work... I assure you that I will be...The hard years had taught me much, I won't give up any chance.

Those are all the grammatical errors I could sniff out from your essay. You might want to edit your essay and make use of tools such as synonyms. Do not forget that your audience the scholarship committee, so it would be in your best interest to be more formal and edit out words such as "screwing up".

Regards.

Thx for the corrections.Btw,is the whole thing catchy enough??I'm not used to write a formal essay like this.

Don't focus too much on whether it is catchy or not. You're not writing a column in the newspaper or a novel, so don't place too much emphasis on entertainment.

Use proper essay format:
Introductory paragraph (use an opening rhetorical strategy and introduce yourself here and all the reasons why you feel you are deserving of the scholarship. Close with your thesis statement).

Body paragraphs (This is where you will support the reasons you listed in the introductory paragraph with personal anecdotes and or facts. Close by transitioning into the next body paragraph).

Concluding paragraph (paraphrase your thesis statement here and summarize all the points you argued in your body paragraphs. Close with a closing rhetorical strategy. Avoid using words such as "therefore", "finally", etc. these are the weakest methods of closing an essay).

To write a formal essay, refrain from using jargon that may be inappropriate to your audience. Remember, you are competing with many other people for these scholarships and they mostly all are using proper essay format along with more complex strategies.

Good luck and I hope you get that scholarship.

Oh, at first I was going to suggest that you not use vehement, but now I think it is the perfect word to capture the theme of this. This essay is filled with emotion. I like it!

But I need to change the first sentence:
My willing drive to progress in the field of _______ is characterized by a kind of "vehemence." If it were t Three years ago, perhaps for the last 17 years of my life, I would not have been saying this. I used to be self-centered and arrogant, a person who thought he is was typically a genius. (Right here, add a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Then, end the first paragraph.)

Paragraph 2:
Back to the time when ...

I was always the top student in primary school and secondary school, I never do made revisions, and yet I could score high marks in quizzes and examinations. ----I needed to correct some verbs. You should practice English grammar to make it perfect... you are almost perfect! :-)