The University Scholars Program, or scholarships at Mason, you must submit an additional essay. In approximately 750 words, describe an experience that you found particularly challenging including what you learned about your strengths, weaknesses, and goals as a result. If you had to relive the experience, what would you have done differently? You must submit your essay with this application in the space provided.
i think I'm sharing too much information, i dont really want it to be a sob story but I cant think of anything esle to wrote about. any advice will be very much appreciated.
I was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia at the age of two, I did not have a full understanding of the disease however, until I was eleven. Sickle cell disease is an inherited blood disorder that affects red blood cells. This causes red blood cells to become sickle-shaped (crescent shaped) thus making it difficult to pass through small blood vessels and causing severe pain. My experience with sickle cell anemia, has transformed me into a different person.
The most significant crisis I remember happened in 2007, when I was fourteen. I was in the hospital for about month and missed a total of two months of school. It began as a simple painless plan: I would go to Children's National Medical Center, get my gallbladder removed and be back in school the following week. After the operation I was put on antibiotics and sent home. However, neither the doctors nor I knew I was allergic to amoxicillin, the antibiotic I was prescribed. After the second day of taking the drug, my left leg began to hurt and swell up. My aunt rushed me back to the hospital. After being there all night, the physician on-call told me I had a blood clot. I was in the hospital another two weeks and I went home on crutches.
Subsequently, I had not done any school work in over a month; I lost interest in school and almost gave up. During these times, my faith, and the love of my family and a few close friends sustained me. My hospital stays were not ones that could easily be understood by my peers. Yet, after a while, my grades were dropping even more. At that point, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and began working harder to recover my grades. I worked so hard to get back on track and eventually my grades improved greatly even as to surpass what they were before my hospitalization.
My hospital stays quickly taught me how to apply myself and work with my teachers to successfully complete work during my absence. My challenge taught me a very valuable skill of coming from behind, focusing, and getting things done. It was around the same time that I discovered computers. I developed a love for computers and technology; I spent hours on the computer teaching myself how to type quickly, learning HTML code and even creating a blog.
In order to reach my goals I must improve on my weaknesses. Ever since my crisis I've been a bit of a perfectionist. I take a great deal of pride in my performance and am committed to producing the highest-quality of work I can. Additionally, I like to take on projects that are considered challenging. I'm always challenging myself to do things better than the last time; I practically compete with myself.
Undergoing sickle cell has created new opportunities for me in the area of information technology and has helped me develop the discipline necessary for achievement in high school and success in a challenging academic college environment. During my recovery, I spent so much time on the computer making me realize that I want to work with computers in the future. I am currently enrolled in a Cisco Networking Academy at my high school which has taught me about networking for home, business and ISP; I've even set up a router and designed computer networks. I would like to combine my love for technology with the study of business to eventually become a CEO of a technology company like Google. In addition, I would like to be an example to young African women by helping them understand there are no barriers that hard work, faith, and passion cannot overcome. If I had the chance to relive that experience I would be more determined to complete my work early. I wouldn't have procrastinated in getting my work completed. Thus, if I had the option to be free of sickle cell disease, of course I would choose not live with it. The question is if I would be the same hard working and outgoing person I am today.
I was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia at the age of two however; I did not have a full understanding of the disease until I was eleven
Improper use of a semicolon. A semicolon separates two independent-clauses. It should be: I was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia at the age of two, I did not have a full understanding of the disease however, until I was eleven.
You are lacking a concise thesis in your paper. Usually at the end of the first paragraph you want to give the message you intend your essay to communicate to the reader. Furthermore, you aren't fully answering the prompt in that you didn't answer: "If you had to relive the experience, what would you have done differently?" You should go back and add at least a few words about this. What you probably want to talk about is how you should have tried harder in order to get your schoolwork done so that you wouldn't have a lot to do by the time you got out of the hospital.
Your sentence structure in this essay also needs some work. You need to combine some of your sentences together in order for your essay to flow. The importance with these kind of essays is their ability to keep the reader interested, and if your words don't flow easily, the reader is going to be more distracted by how you have written instead of what you are writing.
About your comment, its good to share personal information in your essays because it helps people relate to your experience. A sob story isn't necessarily a bad thing either because although a tad bit overdone, they do make interesting essays. If you are applying for a scholarship, I think this is a great topic to write about.
What I would suggest doing is rewriting your essay in order to make your ideas more clear and concise. Use this as a rough draft and expand on your ideas. Your first time rewriting this, ignore the word limit and just get all your ideas out there, then afterwards go back and shorten your essay.
