Hand on experience - HISPANIC SCHOLARSHIP FUND ESSAY

What does becoming (or being) an HSF Scholar mean to you?

How will you leverage HSF's resources and support to achieve your long-term personal and career goals?
(250-500 words).
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thank you! Also any grammar mistakes.

My mother grew up in Ecuador in a small town in Ecuador called La Troncal. She never finished her education and moved to Newark, NJ in the hope of accomplishing that dream for me. Although it is not the most well-off city, families of Hispanic backgrounds, including mine, have all formed a close-knitted community at its heart and throughout my life here I have discovered my immense love for science and medicine.

My days started slow and quiescent the summer before my senior year. That is until 12:00 pm hit. Then, alongside Dr. Averos, an obstetrician, my afternoons were not only hectic but exciting since I had the incredible opportunity to shadow her. Despite how intense certain deliveries were, I was enthralled by how calm and meticulous this doctor worked to ensure the women in front of her felt safe. This experience has also inspired me to be the kind of health physician who always puts her patients first and seeks innovation for better approaches to healthcare. To me, becoming an HSF Scholar means that I'll have all the resources and support needed to be this this kind of physician and more.

As an HSF scholar, I would love to make meaningful and long lasting connections with other HSF scholars who have similar interests or are from different unique backgrounds. In addition, through the Alumni network, and myriad of Scholar Support Services I hope to learn from leaders in the healthcare field and how I can take similar steps in my career to become a leader in my community and even the nation. I know that college will not be easy and that I will most likely have questions along this journey which is why I would also love to leverage HSF's mentorship resources to help me answer these questions or direct me in the right direction.

I believe that there is nothing more important than hands on experience. I would love to have the opportunity to attend HSF's Healthcare or STEM summit to learn more about the industry and explore different career possibilities in person so that I am better prepared to step into healthcare. Overall, I know that as an HSF scholar I will be prepared and learn invaluable skills that will propel me towards my career goal of becoming a physician. Not only this, but I'll also have the opportunity to make long lasting friendships and even become an HSF mentor in the future to help students that were once like me. I cannot wait to become an HSF Scholar hopefully be able to achieve my professional goals as well as grow as an individual.

The first 2 paragraphs do not necessarily reflect responses that would relate to the given prompt instructions. These are not really tied in to the information expectation of the screener. However, the last 2 paragraphs could be better developed to reflect the said information. Your response to the questions are in the essay, they were just sidelined byt the unnecessary story of your mother's immigration and how your day starts. You should remove the reference to your mother in totality and better work in the story about the doctor into the remainder of your response allottment. Right now, those are distractions that remove from the actual information that the screener needs to consider with your application. Do it over. This time, focus on the last 2 paragraphs in this version and how you can improve the presentation to allow for a more definitive response to the writing instructions.