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Help me review my scholarship essay under the following headings.



aaderemi1 1 / -  
Apr 28, 2019   #1
Finally, please state in not more than 600 words in the space provided below:

1. Why you wish to acquire this scholarship.

2. Why you wish to obtain the qualification listed as your choice (for M.Sc. candidates) and that of your chosen research area (for PhD candidates), and;

3. How you think you will benefit in terms of your career and personal development from obtaining this scholarship and the resulting qualification once you have returned to you home country.


I am an MS candidate.



The main reasons why I wish to acquire this scholarship are to enable me to develop skills relevant to the modern world of electric power distribution and control and because I can't afford the cost of study in the UK without this scholarship. Nigerian graduates are usually described as 'unemployable' by people in the industry, a Masters from a reputable school in the UK serves to bridge this gap through the hands on teaching that they offer. In schools like the University of Manchester and of Newcastle, they have courses in Electrical Engineering, like the advanced MSc in power engineering which lasts for two years. This advanced power engineering MSc, in particular, exposes students to a year of carrying out intensive research. Such an exposure is necessary as carrying out research is necessary for the development of science and technology in any country. The opportunity to any of these schools will serve as a means of gaining knowledge which can then be used to improve the oil and gas industry and the country. Obtaining this scholarship will help me access this wealth of knowledge which would otherwise be impossible because even if my retired father was still alive, I still wouldn't have been able to afford to study outside Nigeria.

Like many other industry, effective power distribution is required in the oil and gas industry. This is especially useful in that if adequately done, it's expected to have a spillover effect to how electricity is distributed in Nigeria leading to better power supply across the nation. Effective electricity distribution is surely a problem in Nigeria. It's why residents of Maiduguri would complain to authorities that they are having too much 'light' while residents of a city like Lagos can only hope for the same. Improving the supply of electricity across the nation, especially in our urban centres, is particularly important in it would lead to much more rapid growth of the country.

A rapidly growing field of study which can be influential in how power is analyzed and distributed is the field of machine learning. With machine learning, data can be collected all across the generation, transmission and distribution of electricity and such data can be used to build predictive models. These models can be used in fault detection, faster power quality signal classification and would lead to better decision making. Machine learning can also be used to design adaptive control systems with more autonomy leading to cost reduction in the generation of power. Not only can machine learning be applied for the analysis of tabular data, subfields in it like deep learning can be used to analyze satellite images which can then be used for remote monitoring of pipelines for better security. Such monitoring will lead to reduction in pipeline vandalism and a reduction in the cost of protecting them. It's a field I have been studying by myself over my service year and I believe this MSc will give me an opportunity to further in it. This is one of the advantages in studying in the UK as it's part of the MSc electrical engineering curriculum in such schools and Imperial College, University of Manchester etc.+

Furthermore, after working in the industry and impacting there, I would like to obtain a PhD in the future with hopes of working with a Nigerian university with the aim of impacting knowledge in prospective engineers from the country. The aim of this is to make Nigerian schools into world class institutions of learning where research is carried out, leading to long term reductions in the cost of training manpower abroad.

Maria - / 1096  
Apr 29, 2019   #2
Try to simplify your language as you are writing. Doing this can immensely help your essay as I can observe that you are struggling when it comes to sentence construction. Once you have grasped the fundamentals, playing around with the structure would not be an issue anymore.

Let's try to revise a couple portions of your essay.

In your first paragraph:
There are two main reasons why I wish to acquire this scholarship: to develop necessary skills in electric power distribution and to afford the costs of studying in the United Kingdom. Nigerian graduates are usually described as unemployable by people in the industry; therefore, holding a Masters degree from a reputable school in the UK would bridge this gap. [...] Such exposure is necessary in conducting research for the development of science and technology in countries. This opportunity serves as a means to gain knowledge to improve the oil and gas industry - and consecutively, the country. [...]

In terms of content for this portion, I would highly suggest that you try to be more specific with your options of intent. For instance, how specifically does the oil and gas industry help your country that you would need to mention it in the essay? While you have mentioned this in the succeeding paragraphs, it would be helpful if you could mention it earlier - briefly, at the very least. If you cannot, I suggest moving this portion of discussing and merging it with the concluding remarks of your essay.

In your last paragraph, I would revise certain portions as:

Furthermore, after having worked and creating an impact on the industry, I would like to obtain a PhD in the future with hopes of working in a Nigerian university. I aim to foster our knowledge for prospective engineers in the country. [...]

In terms of overall content, I can say that there is an imbalance with your discussion. You had extensively discussed the oil and gas industry in Nigeria; however, you were not able to expound on the discussion of what this degree means for your personal career development. I suggest trying to make concise the first and second parts to have more space for explaining your long-term goals as these are all equal in terms of weighing in on your scholarship application.

Best of luck.


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