Hey guys! Need your help on this scholarship essay!!!
Instructions given by University -
This is an opportunity to demonstrate your outstanding academic, personal or professional achievement or potential. This statement should include the following information:
- Academic and other relevant professional achievements
- How you expect to benefit from your chosen course of study
- How you have the potential to make an exceptional contribution to the University, and to society after you graduate
Please do not include information which is not relevant to the scholarship criteria, e.g. Achievements in extra-curricular activities (such as voluntary work or excellence in the arts, sports or other areas of individual achievement), or financial circumstances.
Please do not use the statement from your University Application form, the academic panel will already have this information.
There is a limit of 750 words in this box. You cannot exceed this
Please do not include bullet points or indent paragraphs in your supporting statement
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When I was 13 years old, my mother put up a poster of Swami Vivekananda, which said, "Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, and every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success."
To be honest, at 13, I didn't quite understand what it meant. Leave all other ideas alone? Focus only on 1 thing and that's the way to success.
That's pretty easy, I thought. Today when I look back at that poster I can now begin to understand what Mr. Vivekananda was talking about. It's perseverance, which I know is the strong determination to achieve your goal no matter what may come your way. And in this journey to reach perseverance, we may triumph or lose. In these 22 years of my life, I have strived hard to eventually succeed in attaining my goals. It isn't the case that I am extremely brilliant or perfect, I just like to work hard. When I was appointed to be become the high school prefect, I learned that the key to be amicable is to be clear, compassionate and confident in your motive. Therefore, in meetings, I would closely listen to how my teachers and fellow prefects would react to any suggestions made by me. Gradually, I kept tuning my ways of communicating with others, which rewarded me by winding up with effective leadership and communication skills. Moreover, these skills also helped me become a confident person, who was proactively involved in the responsibilities that were given in the form of organizing and running events for the parents and the pupils of the school. These valuable skills that I gained in high school have always continued to help me in the long run.
Moreover, I believe that my greatest professional accomplishment so far, was achieved during my final year of engineering. The task was simple and precise. We had to work in groups and collaborate our work to come up with a software design and solution. After several intensive rounds of interviews, a software product development company, **, selected our team. Our goal was to come up with something that was unique in the market. Apart from the technical skills that involved, getting to work with firsthand and advance technologies and also being exposed to the best industry practices, I have understood that successful project development and execution cannot be learned from books. It's all about the experience. During this phase, I have learned much more than just the technical and intellectual matter. The main challenge was to always be prepared for any unforeseen obstacles that can change your plans midway. Being the group leader, I acknowledged the fact that the only way out, was to adapt and survive. My target was to practice sound computer science concepts and SDLC flows, which meant that an ample amount of time should be given to the software design phase, before commencing the implementation phase. I believe that this leads to fewer errors. Eventually, our years worth of hard work finally paid off when our project was on of the 'Top 5 Final Year Engineering Projects 2014' by the college. Hence, I consider that my greatest strength is, my ability to work independently and in groups, in order to use the relevant resources in a manner that reflects a high standard practice, which helps me deal with complex issues in a systematic and creative way. I have chosen the course of Information systems management because after thorough research of the course content, the brilliant lecturers and the university's amazing student experience, I can confidently say that this course will help me broaden my horizon. Achieving the *** Postgraduate scholarship would further boost my resolve towards success.
As for my plans after graduation, I believe, "Stop chasing the money and start chasing the passion." - Tony Hsieh. I ultimate goal is to work in an environment that centers on the employee's input. Passionate companies that take the innovative visions and ideas of the employees into consideration and help them bring it to reality. Moreover, it could be companies that encourage the employees, through its values and beliefs, to give back to the society. Thanks to the University of **'s great link to the industry, I can confidently say that the search for working at my dream company will be much easier. I am well aware that after my graduation, I will become a lifetime member of the university's alumni network. With this exciting opportunity, I would like to get involved by being an active member of the alumni network and lend a helping hand by volunteering at fundraising events, serve the community with students and other fellow alumni or just catch up with old friends by attending the reunion events. Undoubtedly, no matter where I am in life, I think that prospective students always benefit when an alumni shares their experience and advice. In this way, I could help prospective students to make an informed choice for their future as well as help the university gain the best students from around the world. To sum up, whether this essay helps me bag the scholarship, I would be honored to be a part of **'s thriving worldwide family to help me make exceptional contributions to the university.
How you expect to benefit from your chosen course of study?
How you have the potential to make an exceptional contribution to the University, and to society after you graduate?
I think you miss addressing these two questions. When it says benefit, you mainly list what the university has to offer. You have participated in an engineering task. What are your goals now? Are there internships or other unique experiences that the university offers that can help you benefit later on in your field of study?
Also, you could use your group leadership position to discuss how your software design skills can help the university and society after you graduate. You discuss how the university can help you, but not "how you can help the university". When you change your paper don't add too many sentences. You are really on the right track. Also, I believe the paragraph about being a high school perfect needs to be taken out. It makes the essay too long. It is a great accomplishment but it could help you reach the 750 word limit.
-Throughout your paper change the word learnt to learned. When you discuss the task of work in groups, you should probably change, "come up with". Did you develop a software design and solution? When you discuss changing your plans midway, I would add, "through the project" at the end of this sentence. This will make the sentence more specific.
-The sentence after you mention the Top 5 Project honor, needs to be explained. I think there is too much that is stated. Change the last sentence to demand by employers.
I didn't make many grammar changes, because you need to add to your paper. Please don't go over the word count! Also, you start your paper really well.
- tried and tried, this is an obsolete way to emphasize your idea or your message so keep it simple, express once and it should be fine
- was,is,are, this are your linking verbs that should be used properly, making your sentence logical, if its an on going action, use is, like your sentence
'I also understood that the key to be approachable was(IS) to be clear'...
-spell check, please turn it on whenever you're writing, it helps a lot; "I learnt (LEARNED)",there's nothing more embarrassing than a misspelled word that can let you down.
- main and aim has the same meaning so make up your mind to which word to use
- rephrase this paragraph;
'Hence, I consider that my ability to plan, work INDEPENDENTLY (and- DELETE) OR study(, independently and- DELETE) in groups, in order to use the relevant resources in a manner that reflects a high standard practice and dealing with complex issues in a systematic and creative way, are some of my greatest strengths.
Nk, your essay is good, just a little polish needed, also keep in mind that in writing an essay for an application on a scholarship grant, you have to highlight not only your strength but also how you can contribute to the institution as much as they can contribute to your success in the future.At the end of the day it should be a give and take process, that way there's a balance.Re-write this essay and post it back but before you do, PROOF READ it so you know where else you need to enhance your work.
Cheers!!!
