people are the most important asset
Hello everyone, I'm applying to the Korean Government Scholarship this year and I need help making my personal statement one of the best.
Getting the scholarship have always been my dream so, please feel free to give me comments on how to improve my statement.
And here is my personal statement,
My name is (xx), a 23 years old girl from (xx). I'm an Accounting major graduate from the (xx) and ranked as one of the top 5% students. My mother retired as an Auditing Department Head, and my dad was a Police Officer who passed away when I was ten.
One day, everything started back when I gave my very first presentation in front of my whole class and found these wonderful and incredible reactions from everybody in the lecture room. Even my professor who left the stage to take a video for me presenting just to show it to our faculty's dean, that I was later on called to visit his office to be honored for my project and efforts. I was astonished with the comments on my spirit and ability to lecture. Even though, I have always wanted to help people better learn but, I never knew how or what was the appropriate way to do so. Howsoever, I knew the way to my passion that day; it was the turning point of my life; I knew that I wanted to be a University Professor.
Passionately, I started spending more time in libraries and work more on upgrading my knowledge through learning from books instead of the lecture's slides. Besides my bachelor degree, I started my Accounting and Finance diploma at the American University in Cairo to upscale my knowledge for these highly analytical topics that I enjoy the most, because being able to comprehend such fields can give you an extreme privilege to even better control your own personal life. Also, I became a regular reader of the local and international economic news to have an insight into topics not covered at school. Additionally, in order to recognize how professional and practical life actually works other than just the academic point of views, I had many internships in multinational companies as Finance at Orange Telecom and PepsiCo, national banks as xx, and national ministries as xx. Also worked as a Financial Services Assurance Associate at one of the world's big 4 accounting firms, PricewaterhouseCoopers based in Dubai.
I didn't just focus on developing my academic background, but I also wanted to develop my skills and participate in diversifiable activities to benefit my community. Consequently, since my freshmen year I volunteered in many extracurricular activities as Enactus, Aiesec, and my school's Students' Council. Worked with foreigners of different cultural backgrounds. I also participated and hosted many events held by Cairo University's presidential alumni as Cairo University Freshmen Outreach Program. I had a lot of different positions that gained me a countless number of skills as I was a team member in some and a leader in others. Ending my senior year being the whole Accounting Major Class Representative.
On the other hand, I was introduced to the Korean Culture at the age of 14 sand I was so touched by how respectful, aversion of violence, humility in conversation, and honesty based culture it is. I was so influenced by the simple fact that "Size Doesn't Matter" by which South Korea actually picturized it so perfectly. And this fact has been always the reason why I wanted to exert my full maximum stamina in everything I do believing that I will always be paid off.
Besides all of my activities on the university campus, I also appreciated my social life and spent a lot of time enjoying my hobbies. Attending my swimming training, going to the gym, but most importantly was learning the Korean Language for 2 years at King Sejong Institute in the Korean Culture Center in Cairo. I made a lot of Korean friends and enjoyed a huge number of cultural events (예: 설날, 추석, 한글날, 전통 방패연 워크숍, 한국어 말하기 대회).
Again; I never imagined myself doing anything but helping others, including Communities, Institutions, Governments, Countries and most importantly; the humans contributing in all of these places. I believe that people are the most important asset to; literally; anywhere. However, people won't properly function without the knowledge, and my aim in life is to be a knowledge provider to anyone seeking support; anyplace. Yet, foremost, I need myself a helping hand and that is why I'm motivated to continue upgrading my knowledge through pursing my MSc degree at the Korean Educational System. Not only-but also, study what I love, reach my aim and explore my all the time most favorite culture, South Korea's.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Xya, your essay is not really useful at this point. It is not even a good draft. You have to write a better essay. One that actually focuses on the topics for discussion as provided. You don't have to introduce yourself and your family background in this essay. That was a former prompt requirement that the KGSP has not used for the past 2 years. Remove that reference since it does not help move your essay forward in terms of relevant information. Instead, indicate the masters course you are interested in enrolling in and why you are interested in these advanced studies.
Your academic background needs to show true honors and recognition, Not just the interest of your teacher in your presentation to be "honored". There is no evidence of that. You also do not clearly explain what this presentation was about and why it is relevant to your undergraduate course. If this is something that happened in high school, then don't present it. You are applying for a masters scholarship so the focus is on the undergraduate studies and professional skills development. It would be helpful if one of your internships was for a Korean company doing business in your country.
That is because the professional skills should be related to the KGSP scholarship program. If not, then that is alright, provided you can present a strong case for your academic and professional skills. The internships are fine, but does not really show that you are capable of doing excellent research. Simply being a voracious reader does not qualify as you being passionate about this line of work. You need to show that you have useful research skills and practical skills development that would make you a successful scholar if you are awarded the sponsorship.
Aside from your social interest in Korea, you must strongly represent an impression of why you have chosen to study in Korea instead of your home country. Why did you arrive at this decision? What is it that Korean professionals in this field excel in which you think is related to their academic learning and practical training? That is the best way to show that you have valid reasons for studying in Korea.
Do not include extra curricular activities at this moment. Focus on developing correct responses to the first 3 prompts. Those are the most important information you can present because that directly relates to your scholarship application. The last line of the discussion instruction can be incorporated into your responses to the top prompt topics. That way it blends seamlessly into the presentation. You have to write a clearer version of this essay and hopefully, my observations and suggestions can help you do that.
