Helping the Poor - MasterCard scholarship Application essay

Hi, I would really appreciate if you guys could help review my essay.

Q: we want to know what excites you and what you are passionate about. Please write about a topic that is important to you and this reflect on your personal values (50 - 250)

Helping the poor

Being a girl child who has gone through sexual harassment in other to get help from people in my final class in high school after my dad who was the financial bearer of the family fell ill. After I over and the challenges, I was motivated to help those in need especially children, girls and women.

Helping people in need gives me this extraordinary happiness and sense of satisfaction especially when they smile thankfully. Seeing those smiles on their faces gives me inner joy knowing am the reason behind the smile.

This passion for helping people motivated me to join some community initiatives and women empowerment programs whose aim is to help the less privileged in the community. I contributed to the program by volunteering and campaigning for funds to help the less privileged children go back to school.

Charity, compassion, and fairness are my core values, I believe in giving humanity a chance because everyone has an equal right to happiness no matter their situation. I being a girl who has gone through financial difficulties hope to create community initiatives targeted at empowering the poor especially young girls.

Bella, remove the reference to sexual harassment in the essay. It does not make any sense since your sentences are problematic in reference to a clear discussion direction and it does not relate to the rest of the paragraph experiences and discussion that you are presenting. You should build on the second to 3rd paragraph instead to reflect a clearer reference to "helping the poor". Why does helping the poor excite you? How do you help the poor? Expand on the personal values you present in the paper to better explain who you are passionate about helping the poor and why you feel that this activity reflects your personal values.

What you can do is start off the essay with the last paragraph that explains your core values. Then you can use supporting paragraphs to illustrate how each core value relates to "helping" the poor. Your excitement about this should be reflected in each of your personal values as you explain these in the essay. The way your essay is set up, the sexual harassment thing does not really fit into the story. Not unless you can better explain how a specific experience related to that event connects with your personal values. It may be better to just leave that reference out because you can use other examples to better explain yourself.

Thank you very much for the review.