Please help me with my essay. I know it is too long :( Thank you so much.
Please write a statement of not more than 300 words explaining why you are interested in attending a United World College, describing both what you might contribute to the College and what you would hope to gain from your experience there.
Since I was a child, 'International relations' has become my dream career. Like most people I know, I want to see the world with my own eyes, experience different cultures, meet people from different backgrounds, etc. I realized my passion lied in helping other people and also myself understand different cultures around the world and introducing mine to other people. But when I shared this dream with friends, they always laughed me and said the same thing: "You can't." In their eyes, I exactly is 'uncommon'.
I was introduced to the UWC's website by an interview about Nguyen Tram Anh, a student at UWC Pearson College, and like it instantly. Perhaps it was the common "uncommonness" that drew us together. As I got to know more about it, I became more convinced that it was the place for me. UWC is often described as tough, demanding but infinitely rewarding for those with a zest for international relations. It has welcomed students from all over the world and provided them with numerous opportunities to grow and achieve a more peaceful and sustainable future.
However, what puts UWC above all others for me is its commitment to promoting students' personal development and social awareness. I have spent hours listening to Vietnamese students talk about their experiences at UWC. We would have a good laugh and the conversation always ends with "Hey dreamer, seriously, it's the best place to learn. You cannot ask for a better school to follow your dream". I would smile at that confirmation of something I have known all along.
At the age of seventeen, I finally know what I want to do with my future. I want UWC to be my next destination for a longer journey - the pursuit of higher education. Such a friendly, diverse and intellectually stimulating school would be the best environment to fulfill my dream of connecting people around the world.
Most importantly, I wish that no matter where I go, every person I meet would feel the real Vietnam with a strong and fast-developing economy as well as beautiful cultures and traditional values. My dream, clearer than ever before, is that from every dish I make, every words I say, every action I carry out, smiles will bright up on people' faces whenever someone told about Vietnam.
Total:385
I think this is relatively a weak essay and you seriously have to put your inputs into this essay carefully.
Think
1. Why do you think you are special to win this scholarship
2. There are many competing for this, what makes you different from them
2. Dont rely on qualitative and adjective terminologies more like diverse, intellectual etc.
3. You have given too much of appraisal for the University, but where is your part that is the most decisive aspect of demonstrating your passion and skills
4. Remember you have only 300 words which is very limited, so dont over react and pile up words those are irrelevant. Each word here is a precious tool for highlighting the best of you.
Regards
@jeffdcruzj & lynnet: Thank you for your suggestions. I tried to fix my essay but truly, I don't think my second essay is better than my first one. :(
When governments of various developed and developing nations continually stress the importance of globalization and international exposure, I, naturally, based also on my own interests, would want to pursue my higher education abroad. As soon as I discovered United World Colleges, I knew it was an amazing opportunity to challenge myself both in an academic and personal way and to get to know people from all around the world in an international community. The thing I treasure the most about UWC is how it brings together unique individuals from a wide range of backgrounds. Having the opportunity to interact with different people will enable me not only to appreciate the diversity but most importantly to define myself.
UWC programmes appealed to my dream of developing my country. As well as music and objects from Vietnam, I also think it's important to explain the problems and difficulties that my country has faced or is facing right now. I look forward to discussing these issues with other people and contrasting how our experiences may be similar or different. I am certain that showing people what my country is like will be an enriching experience both for the people I'll encounter in my future UWC experience and for myself. As Shelby Davis once said "Learn, earn and return." Upon completing the UWC experience I will allow the UWC values inside me to grow and continue to make changes not only in Vietnam but also in the world.
Everything might seem pretentious, but we all need a dream and we all need to start somewhere. UWC is the first step I know I must take. For me UWC is like an open door and looking through the doorway I see my dreamed future. I want UWC to be my next destination for a longer journey - the pursuit of higher education. Most importantly, I wish that no matter where I go, every person I meet would feel the real Vietnam with a strong and fast-developing economy as well as beautiful cultures and traditional values. My dream, clearer than ever before, is that from every dish I make, every words I say, every action I carry out, smiles will bright up on people' faces whenever someone told about Vietnam.
Total: 374
I think your last paragraph, if it serve as a conclusion, should be cut down a bit. As there are still to much appraisal. Maybe, instead, concentrate more on specific features of the college, and how you can contribute to the college. Maybe think something beyond diversity, as I bet every applicant will focus on it.
