Let me know if anything sounds so cliched or if the essay sounds boring...
Thanks!!
Strolling down Locust walk until my mother's class at Penn is over, I am mesmerized by the vivaciousness and cultural dynamics of the campus. Sitting at a study table in the Van Pelt library, I imagine myself as a Penn student, voraciously reading my case-study notes from West Philadelphia Blankenburg Elementary School project for a midterm in my favorite class, Health in Urban Communities.
Children are my life-long passion. Working with them gives me pure happiness. I feel most content when I can help those who are in situations similar to my own several years ago. Through my undergraduate education at Penn, where I can apply my education into service, I aim to use scientific and social perspectives to find solutions to the numerous causes and cycles of poverty in urban areas and then adapt policies to improve the situations worldwide.
At Penn, I can pursue my dream of integrating science and international relations, which will enhance my future ability to improve the lives of underserved youth throughout the world. I plan to double major in Health and Societies and International Relations with a minor in Urban Education, interdisciplinary majors that are perfectly aligned with my interests and passion.
With the Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships (CURF) funding, I hope to conduct a research on the educational and health conditions of children living in low socioeconomic environments in South Philadelphia. I will hopefully be able to publish the results of my research in CUREJ- College Undergraduate Research Electronic Journal. Moreover, I wish to have an opportunity to conduct another research project with Dr. Jaya Aysola in The Perelman School of Medicine regarding health care disparities in urban areas with a special focus on Philadelphia.
As a passionate student in the Global Heath concentration track, I plan to earn an internship position at the American Public Health Association in the summer of 2015. Additionally, the partnership between Penn and the University of Botswana and Penn's Guatemala Health Initiative will enable me to have a firsthand experience in adapting policies worldwide to help children at risk.
Penn also offers a variety of opportunities to continue my passion of working with children. In my junior year, I created a school organization that supports children at a residential school outside of Philadelphia to help socially marginalized children, especially those who have suffered emotional traumas. Initially, communicating with the emotionally traumatized children was especially difficult because they had shut their emotional doors to society and their surroundings. In an attempt to connect with the children, I utilized something that had helped me overcome my own emotional pains: music. I gathered a group of musicians from my high school and we performed together with the children at the school. As an undergraduate at Penn, I hope to be a part of The Supply Education Group and Disney A Cappella. Every weekend, I will volunteer at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and teach children through the West Philadelphia Tutoring Project.
The multidisciplinary academic programs and extracurricular opportunities at Penn will provide me with pre-professional training, necessary for fulfilling my dreams. Penn will allow me to broaden my global perspective and will motivate me to become a multilingual individual. Following and leading the path guided by Penn of applying education into service to the world, I aspire to be an advocate for children at risk around the world, who will find hidden vulnerabilities that affect poor, sick, and traumatized children and then work to overcome those challenges.
Hello!
I think your essay coherently answers the prompt with your dream about Global Health, and you've done much research.
But Penn is in west Philadelphia, besides, the first paragraph should be more attractive, IMO, because now it's like describing a normal day, and you should tell them how you feel, like referring to the smell of pasta, the beautiful library(how beautiful), ect. just don't tell what you do, but how you really enjoy the time there, to impress AO.
for the rest of the essay, i think you should tell your story before you relate yourself to UPenn, because it's the thing you've done that trigger your dream and luckily UPenn has all you need. that makes you the perfect fit.
still i think too many capital-letter-words really distract AO from who you are, they only know that you want to do many things. why not decrease some"i can" sentences, and focus on how their multiple programs "pave" the way you become your ideal person? i mean, programs are important, but talk about sth else?
they're only my opinions
Good advice by Liangwu.
Children are my life-long passion
Being with children is my life-long passion.I feel most content when I can help those who are in situations similar to my own several years ago.
.... the latter part is a bit ambiguous.... better you elaborate a bit more on that. It sounds some interesting facts, but not revealed :D ... Talk a bit about those situations and give more emotional appeal to this writing. :)
^dumi, thank you for your answer!! I have revised my 2nd paragraph based on your advice!
Can you please take a look at it one more time! Also, I struggling with my repetitive sentence structure. There are so many sentences that starts with "I hope to~" or "I can"... Do you have any suggestions in changing these sentences??
Thank you!!
Following and leading the path guided by Penn of applying education into service to the world, I aspire to be an advocate for children at risk around the world, who will find hidden vulnerabilities that affect poor, sick, and traumatized children and then work to overcome those challenges.
This sentence is a bit messy. I would synthesize the second half into a single fragment...
"... at risk around the world; I will work to craft solutions to the challenges that poor, sick and traumatized children face."Something like that!
I melt when I am with children.
... I think this is really not necessary because your next line describes it all.
Being with children
areis my life-long passion.
I feel most content when I can help those who are in situations similar to my own several years ago.
... If you don't have a particular situation to tell them, rephrase this line something like;
I feel most content when I can help children who need help. .... qualify the children whom you really want to help - children with disabilities or children who are poor etc.
