Scholarship Introduction: Right to the point or an anecdote?

I've been shortlisted for 3 scholarships covering the same criteria. This is currently my introduction. Any ways to improve it? Make it stand out? I was hoping for the second paragraph to write about my personal experiences that has shaped me as the person as i am, or should i incorporate that in the introduction?

I am presently writing about my desire to apply for the ___________ scholarship. Currently I am a first year university student undertaking a Bachelor in Commerce and Arts which I believe will aid me towards a future in Human Resource, expand my knowledge base and to travel. Throughout high school I've participated in extracurricular activities, including valuable volunteer experiences. I have striven for academic excellence which has been reflected upon my results in the HSC. In addition I have undertaken work experience during my senior year of study as a means of broadening my skills and knowledge outside a school environment.

Hey Rachel :)

Congrats on being selected for 3 scholarships :)

I just thought that you could do away with the first line...make it something more catchy, that would stand out.

Also, I think it's Human Resources

.... expand my knowledge base and to travel and provide opportunities for me to travel.

In addition, I have undertaken undertook work experience during my senior year of study as a means of broadening my skills and knowledge outside a school environment.

Great Points! Wishing you All the Best!

it was good but as athena said it's better to add something extra.for example you can start from your childhood dreams or you can start by mentioning your short & also long ter goal then your experiences and actions that you have done to fullfill them

good luck :)

The only critique i have is don't make it generic. Be specific-talk about your volunteer experience. What did you do? How did it impact you for the better? Same goes for your work experience.

Best of luck!

Hi Rachel,
I would focus on your college experience. College committees (after your 1st semester in college) don't care if you were high school valedictorian.

Most important: GPA, research/published material, experience, college academic awards, college fun groups, sororities/fraternities

If you have an interest in human resources and international business, then why don't you research some companies and see how they
approach things? Maybe it will give you some ideas for your essay or even an internship experience.

Some colleges have mediation groups? Would it be possible to become a mediator along the way?
It's never too early to plan for next summer's experience.

Elaine

You should definitely have a more creative introduction or else you will bore your reader. These people are looking for outstanding students and you have to prove you are the deserving one. Let them know they wouldnt waste their money with you!