KGSP Personal Statement - I want to fix my country unseen problem

Hi, I am applying for KGSP scholarship for master program
please help me with the SELF-INTRODUCTION ESSAY since English isn't my first language
Here's the guideline for the essay

o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to the KGSP
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

applying knowledge in real time

I have always had the vision since I was a child to set up my own company and manage it to become an influential global company. As I grew older though, I realized that it was quite difficult to do so considering my family background. My father is a trading agent who exports fabric to Europe. After graduating from high school, I was faced with a wide selection of majors for my undergraduate studies. I was actually very interested to study in an engineering major that can lead to the procurement of advanced technology. However, my father told me that instead of being an engineer to create technology, he advised me to learn how to create an integrated system that can be used by many companies. Thus, I can become an entrepreneur and help improve the work systems of other companies. That is why I chose to study Industrial Engineering, because I want to create systems that can be implemented by other companies.

While in college, I studied both theory and practical applications of Industrial Engineering science seriously. My hard work and earnestness paid off, where in addition to getting a degree, I was also the best graduate in campus. Hard work during my time in college taught me that passion is important in achieving success.

In addition to studying, I also participated in several organizational activities that are particularly associated with teaching (tutoring) to fellow students. I was selected as a lecturer for several courses related to production systems, calculations for simulation models, and research. In addition to organizational activities, I was a computer laboratory assistant who taught basic programming skills and an automation laboratory assistant, where my work is related to the use of automated machines in various industries. This experience provided me with a wealth of academic and research experience. Finally, I was given the opportunity to work on an information system project used by my university. The whole experience shaped me into a person who can work together on teams whilst proving myself to be the best for work.

At the end of the course, I was given the opportunity to do an internship at a small company in (my country). During this time, I realized that small companies in (my country) as one of the drivers of the country's economy are still running with old, traditional systems. Many of these companies still use intuition in making decisions, so many are just relying on luck to run their company. Even though these companies are small, the (my country) government is paying attention to these companies in order to promote the country's economy, because there are a lot of these companies in (my country). This inspired me to make an improvement of the procurement system of a healthcare company in (my country) using a simple mathematical model that I created as my undergraduate thesis.

I believe South Korea is where I can gain the knowledge and experience to assist me in solving many work and industrial problems in (my country), especially system-related problems in companies. This is because I believe that South Korea is a country with a strong industrial sector and has many globally recognized companies, like Samsung, KIA, etc. South Korea may not yet be the strongest in the industry compared to other Asian countries. However, companies in South Korea have globally competitive management systems and production management systems. Therefore, if I am accepted in the KGSP program, I would like to study and conduct research on the systems used by companies in South Korea that would otherwise be applicable in (my country) even with different conditions and environments.

KGSP is an opportunity that I cannot miss so I can reach my dream of studying in South Korea to gain knowledge and experience that I can apply in the future. In addition, I am also very interested in Korean culture that is well known around the world. I hope that through the KGSP program, I can be equiped with the knowledge, experience and values of Korean culture that I can apply in my daily life.

Josevan, the reference to your ambition should start with high school not childhood. the reviewers do not believe that children can manage to have such serious ambitions in life but high school students who have the proper exposure to your professional interests can manage to have serious ambitions. Revise that paragraph to indicate either your junior or senior year in high school. Expand on the discussion regarding the reasons why your father influenced you to change your college major. Does it somehow relate to your father's own occupation? If it does, then you have to explain that as one of the motivating factors for your interest in this field.

Discuss your college accomplishments in terms of your academic recognition. Explain what kind of awards and recognition you received in order to better explain your education which will also add to the explanation as to your abilities to do extensive research and other graduate studies requirements. Your current discussion is too short and uninformative in terms of your academic relevance to the course requirements. You must include a discussion of your college thesis (if possible) and how it relates to your masters degree interest. Additionally, the thesis discussion, depending upon how you present it, should be able to highlight and showcase your strong points in terms of research, analysis, and written discussions.

Your indicated activities are not relevant to the discussion. What you need to present are actual work experience in the field. Remove the extra curricular reference and focus on developing the internship discussion in a manner that might allow it to take the place of the required work experience. The problem with this portion of your essay is that you made it an analysis of the situation in your country rather than a qualifying factor for your scholarship consideration, which was what you were being asked to represent.

When you enumerate the companies that you consider role models in South Korea, never end the sentence with a word filler such as etc. Simply close the sentence with a period in order to keep the academic tone. Etc. is a casual word used in informal written discussions.

Your reason for studying in Korea, based upon your closing statement is relatively weak and does not help the application explain moving and believable reasons for your desire to study in Korea. You need to develop personal, socio-cultural, and academic reasons for your interest and present those in individual paragraphs.