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Knowledge and Skills I hope to gain from my proposed study (Development Studies)

kkpanjaitan 1 / -  
Mar 11, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, I need a help on my essay for applying Scholarship.
The question is

"What knowledge and skills do you hope to gain from your proposed study?"

I need suggestion of what can I improve for my answer in order to be more attractive and convincing?
The answer has to be within max of 250 words. And my answer to the above question is:

I am writing to apply for the Scholarship to pursue my Master's Degree program in Development Studies through NZAS and take Development Studies as a major because of my concern on the Development of my home-country, Indonesia. Taking master's degree in Development has long been my obsession since decided to involve myself in few social organizations for community development and joined SEA-Project. A project funded by USAID for the development and sustainability of Indonesia's maritime and fisheries sector. I realize that my passion is to make my home-country a better place to live and Indonesia has the potentials for it. As a developing country with rich potentials but still has a long way to go to be a developed one, it is my opportunity to do big things for my home-country to support the development. Therefore, I need and I have to deepen my knowledge in Development. Before contributing to the development process of my home-country after I graduate from New Zealand, I have an urge to provide myself with theoretical knowledge and practical skills that are relevant and applicable for work at public authorities, and numbers of organizations both locally and globally. Specifically to have independent thinking and critical evaluation as well as to have a better understanding of different cultures and religions since Indonesia is known as a home to many cultures and religions.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780  
Mar 14, 2018   #2
Khusnul, your response is so indirect that it failed to respond to the prompt. When you are writing a word limited essay and responding directly to a prompt question, the response must be indicated as the opening sentence of the first paragraph. Therefore, this essay should have opened with a statement similar to the following:

As a graduate of Development Studies in Indonesia, I acknowledge that I lack international knowledge of the topic that could help to enhance my skills and knowledge in the performance of my duties. I specifically hope to acquire knowledge related to XXX as it applies to my current profession as a XXX. As for the skills, I feel that I need to develop my skill in XXX...because... By enhancing these skills...

That is how a proper response to this essay should be formatted. Respond pointedly to the questions and do not waste space with too much background filler.

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