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Leadership Experience and how it made me a good leader. (Scholarship essay)


abbukanithi 2 / 5  
Apr 3, 2016   #1
Hi everyone.Below is the question and please help me in writing the essay in a formal way.Thanks for the help......

Leadership requires an ability to collaborate with and motivate others. Describe an experience that required you to influence people.
What did this experience teach you about working with others, and how did it make you a better leader?(max 300 words)


This is the experience when I was working on my startup, 'Vedic'. Once, my friends and I shot an award-winning short film but were unsuccessful in publicizing it and showing it to the world. On further research, I realized that this problem is faced by many students across various colleges. On acknowledging that issue, I created a portal to the colleges and my primary aim was to create a platform for the students where they can show to the world what is within them. The team size initially was five, but in 6 months I increased it to 32.

First, when we were working on the website and app, we had very few obstacles regarding motivation, pressure from the incubation cell and business plans. But slowly problems started to pile up on our heads as we had to launch it with a good marketing plan, expand our team and develop the relationship with many people. Also leading the team was of utmost importance.

A few months later I took the stand and started working on the team.
I learned that motivation, leading change, relationship building, calculating risks of taking decisions and inspiring for your team members are the most important things that affect any enterprise. Motivation involves helping employees feel they are in control of their destiny and environment, performing at their best, and doing something meaningful. I learned that I had to be their coach, teaching them and motivating them throughout the journey. As we launched our website I had to talk to different people for collaborations, had to crack deals and on the run, I started networking more which in turn developed my interpersonal skills. I learned to be decisive by assessing risk and run scenarios. I communicated my appreciation for all of their hard work during a challenging time for the company. I used to give the team certain goals, fix up a timeline and always shared the vision with them.
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 4, 2016   #2
Dear Abbukanithi,

It is a pleasure to be working with you. I love this essay and how you took charge to lead the team into greatness.

Please make sure you read the essay more than once and ask yourself if you fully answered the questions posed in the prompt.

Here are my thoughts and corrections:

... This is the experience when I was working on my startup, 'Vedic'.I don't think you need this as a starting sentence. You are giving it away by saying where you gained the experience. Instead start with a little history or a catch phrase, and in your thesis you can state where you where a leader, and how it helped you. Just a thought. ...

... Once, my friends and I shot an award-winning short film but were unsuccessful in publicizing it and showing it to the world. On further research, I realized that this problem is faced by many students across various collegesmany students across various colleges faced this problem. . ...

... I created a portal to thefor colleges and my primary aim was to create a platform for the students where they cancould show to the world what ...

... and business plans. SlowlypP roblems started to pile up on our heads as we had to launch it with a good marketing plan, expand our team, and develop the ...

... A few months later I took the stand and started working on the team. ...This sentence is a little distracting. Instead why don't you say: "Right away I took charge of the team." Something along that realm.

... calculating risks of taking decisions, and inspiring for ... your team members are the most important things that affect any enterprise.

... As we launched our website, I had to talk to different people for collaborations., had to crack deals and on the run,The last sentence is not formal. ...

... I used to give the team certain goals, fix up a timeline and always shared the vision with them. ...This is your ending sentence. I would rather end with a final thought on how this helped you become a better leader or something regarding your growth. ...

So far the essay looks great. I would start the essay with a little history, and then write a thesis stating what you did to help others and influence them. I would also end with a final thought, not leaving the reader wanting to read more. Try to sum it all up and write a small conclusion at the end. It will help with closing the essay.

I hope I was able to help.

My best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez
OP abbukanithi 2 / 5  
Apr 4, 2016   #3
Thanks Juan for the suggestions.But I have to complete the essay in less than 300 words.Can you help me regarding the length?Because the no of words are already 350. please help me decrease the number of words to 300.

Thanks
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 4, 2016   #4
Hi!

I think I made a few edits on your essay that helped you cut the word count. You can remove the first sentence of your essay. You can remove the beginning of the third paragraph as well. And for your third paragraph, you can delete one or two details to lower your count.


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