Essay Prompt:If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why? (500 WORD LIMIT)
I tried to put as much time as I can to try making this essay great but I need help! I would highly thank as much revisions and suggestions that could be made.
In my community which is located in Bronx, New York, many families do not have a surplus amount of money to invest in a computer, internet, and variety of books. When a person needs any of these items, they would seek to the local library. The local library has an extensive variety amount of books and reachable internet access. This is necessary for many individuals such as students who has a project to do online or books they are required to read by the school. A common problem that is seen in the library is the resources being taken advantage of.
I could remember how every time I visited the library; kids would take the resources for granted by printing out tons of unnecessary pages on things such as animated characters. I could also remember how I would have to wait for about a hour due to the computers being all utilized to do homework. I would go around every time seeing kids spending about a hour playing video games while there were numerous students who had work to do but needed to wait. Many times when the student would go to use a computer the time would not be sufficient to complete their work.
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A common problem that is seen in the library is the resources being taken advantage of.
I just wonder,isn't it a good thing for the resources of the library to be largely taken advantage of?Maybe the problem is wasting the resources to do something not that productive?
Many times when the student would go to use a computer the time would not be sufficient to complete their work.
Many times,when a student goes to use a computer to do homework,time is insufficient.
My local library was a sweet warming but cool environment throughout my childhood experience. The library is a place where many find peace and really use the resources to their best ability.
After all the disadvantages i read from ur perspective,i do not understand why that is a great place??
Andy, you have really put some great thought into this essay and you make pretty good suggestions. That said, I would like to let you know that we can actually improve this essay in such a way that you can use the extra available words to further develop the ideas you have for helping the local library. Let me show you what I mean :-)
- I come from the Bronx, New York which, as everyone knows, is a poor community where families barely have enough income to help support the students in their family. That means the kids do not have access to the internet, personal computers, or books. We have to go to the library for those. There lies the problem for my intellectual community. Our local library has vandalized books that lack pages and the computers meant for homework are taken over by gamers who take hours playing games when it could have been used by students to complete their homework. That is why if I were given a chance, I would work on improving our library system for the benefit of the indigents in the Bronx.
- You can actually skip this whole part because it got incorporated into your introductory and thesis statement already. Thus cutting down your word count and giving you more room to develop your plans to help the library.
- Cut down, these two paragraph simply state: "If given the chance to help my intellectual community, I would start by rehabilitating the local library through the help of fundraising and charitable donations. This means finally getting a chance to replace the worn out books with new editions and adding more computers and printers so that the students and gamers will have equal chances at using the units. Only a few sets will be allowed for gaming. All the rest, will be for serious study time. I would renovate the library by making it look more a Starbucks outlet. Hopefully, the more relaxing and calming atmosphere of the new library will entice my fellow students to spend more time studying in the library. Come SAT season, I will make sure that the local library, in its new image, will be ready to help the students review through tutorial and review classes. By showing how successful the new image of our library is, I will then be able to lobby for more funding for its continued improvement ."
I just brought your word count down to 292. Now you have an additional 208 or something words to help you further develop your ideas for improving the library. Just stick to the important details which you can develop into great ideas :-) I hope my suggestions work for you :-)
WOW! I loved your suggestions! I tried using the about 208 words to also talk about helping the elders. What do you think about it now?
I come from the Bronx, New York which, as everyone knows, is a poor community where families barely have enough income to help support the students in their family. That means the kids do not have access to the internet, personal computers, or books. We have to go to the library for those. There lies the problem for my intellectual community. Our local library has vandalized books that lack pages and the computers meant for homework are taken over by gamers who take hours playing games when it could have been used by students to complete their homework. Many times, when a student goes to use a computer to do homework, time is insufficient. We cannot forget that the library is also used by aging baby boomers who seek calmness outside their house. The seniors and adults spend a significant time in the library seeking the useful resources. Libraries has been shown throughout history that it facilitate the process of being social while obtaining new knowledge. That is why if I were given a chance, I would work on improving our library system for the benefit of the indigents in the Bronx.
The library is the heart of the community, nurturing those who seek enlightenment. I would invest in variety of activities, to help the aging generation get involved and know they still part of the community. One problem that is common with elders in today's world is that most are not familiar with managing technological devices such as a computer or Smartphone. These are currently basic skills that are becoming necessary in today's world. They should not be facing problems such as not being able to operate basic machines such as the MTA machines in train stations used for obtaining a ride on public transportation. 'WE' as a community shall not leave anybody behind. Leaving them behind would just cause them to feel unimportant also incapable within the community. Ultimately, more activities would be provided to help the aging baby boomers.
If given the chance to help my intellectual community, I would start by rehabilitating the local library through the help of fundraising and charitable donations. This means finally getting a chance to replace the worn out books with new editions and adding more computers and printers so that the students and gamers will have equal chances at using the units. Only a few sets will be allowed for gaming. All the rest will be for serious study time. I would renovate the library by making it look more a Starbucks outlet. Hopefully, the more relaxing and calming atmosphere of the new library will entice my fellow students to spend more time studying in the library. Approaching SAT season, I will make sure that the local library, in its new image, will be ready to help the students review through tutorial and review classes. By showing how successful the new image of our library is, I will then be able to lobby for more funding for its continued improvement.
Andy, this is a much improved version of your essay. But I still caught a few portions that we can correct or improve upon. Let me point it out for you.
Libraries has been shown throughout history that it facilitate the process of being social while obtaining new knowledge.
- Libraries have historically been the place where people go to acquire more knowledge because it is like a school, a place of learning, but without teachers.I would invest in variety of activities
- activities
, materials, and equipment ...
know they still part of the community
- ... they
are still part...
One problem that is common with elders in today's world is that most are not familiar with managing technological devices such as a computer or Smartphone .
-smartphone.
- Watch out for the capitalization rule . You only use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence or with names, titles of books and organizations.'WE' as a community shall not leave anybody behind
Now, all you need is a strong and solid concluding statement :-) Excellent work! Keep it up.
What do you think about this concluding sentence?
Ultimately, more innovations would be provided to help the aging baby boomers have stimulating continuity of rich flowing intellectualism.
This is all I can think of right now.
That does not sound like a conclusion to me.However, I think you can add it to the ideas that you have about helping to educate the elderly about computers and stuff. That way, you can show that you have a separate idea of how to better the library based upon the needs of the users. Your concluding statement should be just that, a statement to close the essay. That is normally done by paraphrasing the statement to sound like a sentence instead of a question and then summarizing the content and important facts you mentioned in your paper, then finally, reiterating your stand about the importance of rehabilitating the library for the benefit of the community.
Don't try to insert too many new ideas in the essay. Once you clutter the essay with extra information, you could end up back where you started, needing to edit and revise your paper all over again just to make all the paragraphs connect again :-)
