The most sacrifices that I had to make was being a single mother. Before I had my child, I was very young, honor roll student with a very bright future. I pictured myself graduating high school, attending University of Maryland, majoring Theatre Performance, getting my degree, and opening my own dance studio teaching young children how to dance and teach acting class for disabled children and teens. When I was 14 years old, I met this guy named Simon, he was really nice to me until I found out he was a senior. After I was done with my freshman year of high school, I found him on Facebook and we started communicating with each other. When we started hanging out, things got really sexually when he started putting his hand inside my pants touching my private parts. I tried to keep his hand away from my area but he couldn't resist. He wouldn't stop putting his hand inside my pants but he told me to "Get used to it if I dare want to see him". At 15, I made my decisions and decided to lost my virginity to him. After we were having sex, I never heard from him again and thinking about what I did I regretted every minute of it. As hurt I was I even told my mom about it and she was so upset about it. I usually thought "big deal high schoolers have sex all the time." When it comes to my mother, she believes that me and my siblings should wait until marriage then we could knock boots. After I revealed my secret, I changed my ways and stopped talking to Simon.
After the incident, I totally forgot about it until I laid my eyes on a handsome boy with a red sweater during my third period class in high school. I fell for Barry when I first saw him in my history class during third period class. But, little did I know, he already had a girlfriend. When I found out that he had a girlfriend, I was really upset and I tried everything to forget about him so I joined tech crew for the school play just to get SSL hours and make new friends. While I was volunteering, he showed up at tech rehearsals. The strangest thing I noticed about him is that he wouldn't stop smiling at me and waving hi at me. During our second week of rehearsals, I will never forget the day he held me with his muscular arms around my waist then he kissed me said "I Love You". I'll admit I was kind of confused because no one has ever done that to me before and I thought he was dating someone else. Then I said, "Wait, I thought you have a girlfriend?" He looked at me and told me that his girlfriend broke up with a month ago. As excited I was, I thought why not he seemed like a great guy who loves me for me. After I told everybody that we were dating, most were overjoyed but some not so much. My best friend Peter didn't like the idea of me and Barry dating because he had history of cheating on his ex-girlfriends. Even my teachers felt the same way because all I could think about was him and not my schoolwork. At lunch, I supposed to meet Barry at the chorus room so I waited for twenty minutes so I left the room until I saw Barry kissing and embracing his ex-girlfriend at the computer lab. I confronted the both of them until I decided to call it quits with him. During the weekend, I tried everything to forget about him but I couldn't stop thinking about him. So I gave him another chance. Months later, we got back together and then I found out on Facebook that he was cheating on me again with the same ex. I was heartbroken again but I was still in love with him. When he made his decision to be with her, I made a decision that I never thought I would do by trying to commit suicide. So I went into my mom's room, took my mom's razor blade out of her drawers and put it in my backpack. The next morning, I hid in the girls' bathroom and cut myself on both of my arms. After I silted my wrists, one of my friends Rae found me saw the cuts in my arms and sent me to the nurse. At the nurse room, the school nurse treated my silted wounds then sit down with me and said, "Why did you this to yourself?" After I explained everything to the nurse on why I wanted to kill myself, my hot tears started rolling down through my eyes. I hated the fact that I did it but I did it because I was unloved. When the nurse called my mom told her everything, she was in tears. I could tell that she was crying because I could hear upset voice over the phone. My mom came in the nurses room with tears in her eyes she looked at me and said, "Why? Why are doing this yourself? Is it because of a boy? Or me? Don't I give you much love?" Of course, my mom does love me but I didn't want her to know that I was trying to kill myself because of a boy. I felt like an idiot doing that to myself. The nurse referred me to see a therapist at the Crisis Center. I started seeing my therapist for only a month and stopped communicating with Barry. Over the summer, Barry called me and asked to forgive him and that he broke up with his ex for cheating on him while they were together and beg me to come back to him for the final time. At first, something in my heart tells me I still love him but my mind is telling me that he's still back to his devious ways. I wanted to give him another chance but his girlfriend told me that "they're engaged". I was so pissed I didn't want to talk to him at all for lying to me and treating like I'm his second. I stopped talking to him for months until he told he's officially done with her for good. On August, he begged me the final time and I forgave him. We stayed together for 2 years until things became rocky and sexual at the same time during our relationship. Our sex life we never use protection, we had sex more than 10 times at his in his bedroom at his moms' house and we still got away with it. When we both started college, we barely hang out together, he hangs out with his friends than me, he doesn't want to go on dates with me anymore, and he doesn't treat me like the way he used treat me when we were together. Every time I tried to talk to him, all he does is push me away and tells his exes and friends, "That I'm giving him hell in life." for no apparent reason. The day I confronted him, I was emailing him then I came over to his house and we got into a huge argument because he was still making up lies just to get away from me. After the argument, he pushed me on the ground and said, "Everything that I'm doing is none of your business." I felt so abused never in my life that I ever felt neglected like that. In the end, he did feel bad and picked me up, hugged me and said, "Look, I didn't mean it. It just I don't like it when you around my face all the time."
Overall, I forgave him but I want forget him in my heart I wanted to be with him. During the summer of 2014, I was feeling strange my stomach was getting bigger I tried to lose weight but my stomach kept growing bigger and so were my breasts. I couldn't fit through my clothes, my jeans were too tight, my shirts made me look fat, and my bra was shrinking. My mom kept asking me, "Are you pregnant?" and I said, "No". I thought she was crazy until I was having food cravings, feeling exhausted all the time, missed periods, gaining a lot of weight. I thought to myself maybe I am "preggo" but I didn't want to believe it. Three days after my 19th birthday, my mom and I went to the doctors' office to find out what's going on with me. My doctor decided to give me a pregnancy test to find out I'm pregnant or not. In my mind, I didn't want to take the test but I had to take it just to be sure. Minutes later, the test came out positive. I was in shock I didn't even want to believe that I was pregnant until I felt some movement in my stomach. My mother was very disappointed that I went behind her back and lied to her. We went over to my grandmother's house to tell her the news about what happened at the doctor's office. My grandmother has been for there my mom ever since my dad left and if I have a something to say I turned to my grandmother. During the conversation, she touched my stomach and, "Who's responsible for this?"
I said, "I don't know". Of course, I knew who the father is I was just too afraid to say his name. Then she said calmly, "You can tell me if you don't want to tell your mom you can always tell me." When my grandmother says that, I feel like I was ready to her the truth. So I said, "Barry's the father." My mom was in disbelief when she heard his name. She hated him for what he did to me.
Then she said, "Does he know? Because he needs to know. He has to be there. YOU'RE PREGNANT FOR GODS SAKE." I begged my mom forgiveness for all the secrets I've hidden from her. I was glad that my mom forgave me and she decided that she will be there for me and my future child. On November, things got very hectic when one of my good friends, Mark told me that Barry has been cheating on me the whole time with his ex and sleeping with other women. I texted Barry and asked him if it was true. He denies everything, calls out Mark for being a "habitual liar" cussed me out said, "I was stupid." After things got heated between me and him, I finally revealed to him that I was pregnant with his child. His reaction was uncanny. He never cared about my pregnancy or me anymore. Then he said, "I don't care about you or that stupid baby. I have a new girlfriend in my life I'm choosing her over you." I was crushed I felt like he took my heart stabbed it with a knife and killed me.
Throughout the whole nine months, I have kept my pregnancy a secret because I was ashamed of what I have done to myself. On the outside, I was not proud it but on the inside I am really happy to have a happy baby in my life. During my pregnancy, I never thought about abortion or adoption because I didn't want to harm my child. At 7 am, I was feeling constant pain from my stomach to my legs. It felt like a sharp pin stabbed me in my back. That's when I knew it was finally time. So my brother called the ambulance and they took me to the hospital. On January 6, 2015, at 6pm, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy, Xavier. After giving birth, it never hurt at all but the only thing that really hurts is Xavier's dad doesn't want to step up and chose his new girlfriend over his child. It makes no sense how a man chooses an object over a child and giving my child a horrible name. I felt abused and hurt because I spent sleepless nights taking care of my baby while he's out there saying bad stuff about me and my child. After 2 years, I've been with him he decided to turn his back and bully me.
If I could go back in time, I would have never met the father of my child. I was so stupid being in a relationship with him. I never thought I would end up being a single mom raising a son alone. Every day, I look at my sons eyes I see pain because my son doesn't know who his father is. After I had my son, I refused to hang with my friends, I lost my job, and my scholarship was terminated. Actually, I felt lucky, despite I face through hardships I enjoy taking care of Xavier. I thank God for my son every day for making me be my own person because I felt as an individual who has nothing and when I found out I was pregnant I felt that I had something that I'm going to keep for the rest of my life. Even though I have a baby doesn't mean I'll never stop continuing my education. In the end, I learned on having a baby the hard way but loving my child the easy way.
