I lived a dream of studying abroad;Why you need funds?Why you want this scholarship?

Dear all,
I am not good at writting, therefore I really need your help. My family budget is very limmited. I really need this scholarship.
Thank you so much!
"When I was a child, I dreamed one day I can study in a modern and developed country like the UK to become an exceptional financial analyst. Until now, this dream was nurtured to be a burning desire. With the objective to attending MSc course at Leicester, I have studied really hard to get as high score as possible with the hope to gain this scholarship.

Considering my family financial situation, I would never have chance to study abroad without scholarships and loan. Due to the fact that I am the first child in the three-child family, my abroad trip would be a heavy burden on my parents shoulder. Therefore, I decided to take up a student. Nevertheless, the loan which is limited is not sufficient without the scholarship. If I do not win this grant, it is compulsory for me to ask for help from my parents, which is no doubt that would increase onus on them when my little sister and brother are in needs of money for their education.

Although there are some financial obstacles, it is my commitment to follow my dream otherwise I will regret for the rest of my life. Therefore I really need this scholarship to have opportunities to try my best and materialize my dream."

Thank you so much. After your editting I find the meaning much clearer.

:)
Here's some more help ;)
Add this line to the previous para;
Yes, why I aim for a scholarship? It is because my family cannot support me for a higher education for very valid reasons.
Now go to the next para;


.... You need to tell them about your family's hardships... Like, only one person is employed or the parents are blue collars whose earning capacity is poor... elaborate on something like that! ... this is the start;

I am the eldest child with two much younger siblings.