My main duty was to give Mongolians proper massage and correct their judgment of Christianity

I am applying for Cheveining scholarship. This is my essay on Leadership. Please comment and correct me. Thanks!

Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet ...

I am one of the first Christians in Mongolia. As you may know, Mongolia was a communist country for 70 years and Mongolians lived with limited information during those years; therefore almost no one had a chance to hear about Christian faith. In 1990, Mongolia chose to become a democratic nation and this brought about fundamental change in socio-political system. Mongolia opened its door to the world and she proclaimed religious freedom. The first Christian missionaries came with the Good News of Jesus Christ in 1990. I personally came to know about Jesus Christ in 1992 and became follower of Him.

Because Christianity is young in Mongolia, many people have misconception about it or they think Christianity is a Western religion. People tend to marginalize Christians thinking that thea are trading their nationality for foreigners. According to the constitution of Mongolia, every individual has right to believe or not to believe in religion.

As one of the first Christians, I have considered it my main responsibility to give Mongolians proper massage and to correct their understanding of Christianity. In order to reach my goal, I teach and train Christian leaders, so that they may also influence in their own communities. I am also involved in Christian literature translation project hoping that many will read the books and get proper understanding about Christianity. I write articles that related to Christianity, which were published on a Theological journal that is issued by Union Bible Theological College.

As a leader, I value listening of others. It's my personal strength. When I listen to others with sincerity, it builds strong bonds and makes me more accessible to others. I take the time to build that level of trust. As a Bible teacher and a leader, I want to have an exemplary character. I want to live a life with honesty and integrity. I want to "walk the talk" and in doing so I earn the right to have responsibility for others.

I also help people understand their strengths. For example, if I notice a student struggling with one set of tasks but exceeding in another, I let him or her know my observations, and make an effort to arrange the workload to a balance more favorable to the person's strengths. It makes people feel noticed and valuable, motivating them to perform their best and giving them the means to do so. I believe people need a leader who can direct them and help them grow, so I demonstrate that ability whenever I can.

@naran3

Dear Naran,

After reading your essay I would say that you have entirely focused on Christianity instead of your own leadership and influencing skills. Whereas, it is somewhat slightly reflected in the last few lines of your answer but it is not enough to justify. I guess you should first go through some reading material, some articles or modules on leadership styles to first get clear idea to understand what do we mean by leadership?

Similarly examine what are the key traits of a leader, than think of yourself, does your personality have such traits and how they can be articulated in your essay? Find out and draw one or two main examples from your own academic or professional experience that must address your leadership skills. See also some sample answers of other applicant that will help you to develop your answer. Hope it will work.

Regards,

@shahid2483
Thanks for your input Shahid.
Blessings!
N

Naran, a word of advice regarding discussing religion as a form of leadership in your essay. If you can discuss something other than this topic to prove your leadership skills, then please do so. It is important not to present a religious discussion in an essay as you can never tell if you will accidentally end up offending the reviewer, thus ruining your chances at the scholarship. I know that you are proud of your religion and your leadership activity in it but, owing to the volatility of the religious discussion these days, it would be in your best interests to discuss a more profession related form of leadership. This will help you avoid any potential complications that such discussions might cause your application.

I like your last paragraph. That could very well work in your favor should you decide to take my advice about changing your discussion topic. You can use that as your new opening statement, leading into your new discussion. It shows a strong leadership trait that should keep the reviewer interested in learning more about your leadership and influencing skills.

Thank you very much for your advice Holt, I will take your advice.