Hi all, this is my first thread.
Please help me to review my essay for Chevening.
Chevening is looking for individuals who will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.
(minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)
leaders - individuals with strong characters, principles
Generally, leadership is known by society as individuals who are able make the others do something, either for the sake of individual or groups. Thus, most people thought that leadership usually possessed by them who have high position in the organizations. However, I believe that a word leadership is not limited by that. Leadership is individual who have ability to drive the others by inspired them through action or personal approach in order to reach their common goals. Thus, this kind of leaders usually have strong characters, principles and they are not only possessed by those who have an important position in the organizations.
"Man behind the scene", maybe that a right phrase to describe me when I involved in the organizations. Because I never pointed as a top leader in the organizations, but my teammates or colleagues sometimes appoint me to certain events for the sake of organizations.
In the university, I involved in study club called "Center Of Islamic Economics Studies" (COINS). It was only a small association that hardly recognized by faculty in my first year as they already have a similar club for this area called "LISENSI". Unfortunately, they only let students joined them if they could pass the exam that held by the organization. Look at this opportunity, my senior invited us to keep run the study group until the group became big. In my second years, I was trusted by my senior as a speaker in study group for some meetings. Then, our little group grew big with more participants. Then, we tried to made permission to faculty as our members getting big and our activities became more consistent. Then, we got permission and we did have a little conference to formalize the organization that called COINS.
Since 2015 I worked as Market Risk Management in MUFG Bank. I once involved in established the efficiency of Closing Rate Procedure. At that time, we obligated to export around 14 currencies from market up to 1 year period which was about 448 data. Seeing how inefficient this process, my unit head and me wanted to made the procedure be simpler than before. Thus, we held a meeting with settlement unit who use our data to made a settlement process and treasury unit the one who made deals with clients. In the meeting, we convinced them how the current processed are far from efficient as there were extra times to check the whole currencies. To make it worse, it could delay settlement unit's workflow. Because of that, according treasury's trading behavior, we proposed to provide all data period for major currencies only (2 currencies), while the rest of them will be provided up to 3 month periods and it can be adjusted if there are long term deals. It would has reduced the process to 64 data for 2 major currencies and 168 data for 12 others currencies. Then, both parties agreed with this new procedure as there were negative impacts and could increase time efficiency.@izecsony5
Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback serves you well.
I think that, firstly, you can do better with the introductory paragraph. While it was great that you attempted to utilize a variety of techniques in writing, having a more concise writing pattern (especially for the first thesis statement) is imperative. In that regard, you would be better off if you tried to invest more time in making more strategic sentences.
Structurally speaking, you need to work on the length of your sentences as well as the lack of usage of punctuation marks. Generally, if you feel as though a pause is necessary, then a comma is necessary. When you're working with regular sentences, you should be even more cautious of this rule.
Content-wise, try to make your narrations a bit shorter. Having such lengthy story-telling content can backlash. In a sense, instead of you mentioning all of the tiny details, try to focus on the larger picture, the goals and values you wish to promote, and engage more diplomatically with the content.
Good luck with your Chevening application!
