My motivation came from the strong desire to help Vietnam's economy stronger and wealthier

Topic: Explain how this scholarship will benefit your pursuit of this degree?

My motivation and determination to study accounting came from the strong desire to help Vietnam's economy stronger and wealthier. Accounting is not only the language of business but also the essential tool I can use to develop the national economy of my country. In university, even though difficult knowledge made my cumulative grade point average was not high, I still got A and B in almost specialized courses and ranked the top 10% in my department of more than 500 undergraduates. Seeking higher degree in United States after graduate is the most important decision in my life because it will give me an opportunity to discover the developed economy of your country; thus, I can use the knowledge and experience I learn in US to improve my country's economy.

When choosing A University as the next destination of my long journey, I am very excited to apply for the university scholarship because scholarship is the result of my efforts in my undergraduate school in both academic performance as well as extracurricular activities. With the excellent grade point average, the high award from the accounting and auditing scientific research as well as the active activities from social work, I am fully confident that I meet all requirements when applying for the school scholarship.

More importantly, scholarship also reduces the financial burden of my family. Was born and raised in a studious family, I received the strong support from my parents when I decided to study abroad. Even though my parents told me they can pay my tuition and other fees, I personally think that I am 23 years old; it's time for me to live independently. If I win this scholarship, my parents will be proud of me, and they can use their money to take care of my siblings. Scholarship benefits me financially and I would not have to worry about money; thus, I can focus more on my school work.

Vietnam, my motherland, will be my final destination in the long journey to reach the success. With the master degree and the achievements I gained in the A University, especially the scholarship I won, it is easy for me to work in B, the best place for accounting graduates like me to work for. In this B, I can dedicate myself to the national economic by financial plans such as how to reduce tax/GDP ratio in Vietnam or how to attract more advanced countries invest in Vietnam,... Therefore, the scholarship you provide will make my dream comes true.

Lastly, I want to conclude my scholarship essay by a quote of a Vietnam famous economist: "Difficulties make opportunities". Applying for scholarship is really difficult because thousands of students compete with each other to win the scholarship. However, the scholarship will bring a lot of huge opportunities to me during my study in A University as well as my career development in the future.

This essay needs a grammatical clean up. The tenses are wrong or the sentences are are poorly or badly constructed. But that is just part of the problem. The main problem is that the essay barely answers the prompt that was issued. Most scholarships look for a student who will give back to the scholarship and the United States before returning to his or her home country. You also need to mention specific academic and civic accomplishments or awards that are relevant either to the course you are taking or the scholarship you are applying for. The key to a good scholarship is letting the screening committee know that you embody the objectives and ideals of the scholarship. Talk about how you embody the scholarship ideals or how you were inspired by the scholarship to become a better person in the introduction. That normally helps to catch their attention.

The second paragraph can then explain how the scholarship can help you with your studies. Mention the names of some academic accomplishments you have. Then explain that you were told you have the potential for more as a student and was advised to study abroad to broaden your knowledge and intellect. But you are not financially capable at the moment so you need the financial help you continue your studies. Do not mention your parents being able to afford to pay for your education abroad. The committee will think that someone more financially in need should get the scholarship. Remember, scholarships are for deserving students who need help with their education. Not a financially capable student who just does not want his parents to spend on his education. The other scholarship applicants will be in strong need of financial help for really serious reasons such as working 2 jobs but still not being to afford an education etc. Remember, your education is your parent's responsibility, not the foundations that offer scholarships. So you need to find reasons to explain why you deserve the scholarship. Mentioning your financially capable parents is not good for your application.

Also, rather than mentioning that you will immediately go back to Vietnam upon completion of your studies, tell the committee instead about how you plan to give back to the American university, the community you lived in, and the scholarship for at least 5 years before returning to Vietnam to help build its economy. Remember, most universities and scholarships frown upon applicants who do not intend to help the country that will play host to them during their academic years. You need to let them know that you plan on helping or paying back the favor to the university and scholarship before you go back to Vietnam.

I hope you are not offended by my advice. I am only looking towards helping you improve what has the potential to be a very strong scholarship statement :-) It would help if you rewrite the essay using the guides I mentioned and then we can see if we can start working on fixing the grammatical errors and improving the sentence structure of the essay.

Hi Linh,

I totally agree with Vangiespen about the content of your essay. I feel it lacks the true determination and motivation you are trying to depict.

The introduction needs to be re-tailored to draw the committee's attention because your goals are too general. I think you should try to be more specific what particular actions can you take upon graduation to realise the goals. Actually, at this level it would be wiser to draw a future career path that are beneficial to the society given the granted scholarship and the knowledge from the master course.

Besides, it will be difficult for the committee to grant you the scholarship if you are not intending to return something to the university or the community who is going to host you for the next 2 years. You should show them that their decision will make a win-win case, for you and them as well. You should also know that it is extremely difficult to ask for a scholarship in a master program, even if you were an outstanding undergraduate. That is to say your essay will need to provide details about significant achievements (academic and extra curricular activities) and your future ability to contribute upon graduation from this school.

This is just some of my personal experience. Hope they help!

Regards,
D.