Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
I could never escape the shadow of my older sister. I used to spend days and days trying to figure out how to stand out from behind her ever looming presence. In the eyes of my mother, if I was good, she was better; if I was strong, she was stronger. Any effort I put into trying to outdo my sister seemed to be more often futile than not. Growing up for me seemed to be fully encompassed with attempts to try to fill footsteps permanently embedded in concrete.
In my freshman year, I decided to join the track team. At first it wasn't because I wanted to, but because my sister had done it and it seemed only right that I did as well. I didn't expect it to become something more to me than just another way to compete with my sister. I was no longer insignificant. Through sweating together, winning together, crying together, my team became more than simple friends or fellow runners, they were my family away from home. In the moments with when my legs were on the verge of giving out and my heart that felt like it could pump no harder, it wasn't beating my sister that pushed me forward to victory, but a drive to not let my team members down. My mother finally gave me the recognition I had always been looking for. Sure, it was only temporary, but at the time it meant the world to me. For once I didn't feel like just a prop idling in the background, twiddling my fingers as my sister stole the show.
If I had to state one major thing to be thankful for midst the sibling rivalry, it would the extent it pushed me to leave my comfort zone, making me to do things I might have not done otherwise. As a freshman I was heavily involved in a club in school that revolved around animal welfare and volunteering. Because of my active participation, at the end of the year I was offered an opportunity to head the club at the beginning of my sophomore year. I didn't immediately jump at the chance because I had my doubts. As inexperienced as I was, would I be able to lead a club? I had so many scenarios of things going wrong coursing through my head while I pondered the offer. Seconds away from finally giving into imaginary failures and rejecting the opportunity, it dawned on me that I was chickening out of something amazing. My sister wouldn't have even hesitated to accept the offer. Fear would get me nowhere, only action could. With that, I mustered up the courage to say yes to the things that scared me because those were the things that would take me places.
Becoming a club president finally set me apart from my sister, garnering the attention of my mother in a way it never had before. But even then, I felt unfulfilled. Trying, unsuccessfully, to convince myself it was just lingering negativity clouding my eyes, I just couldn't ignore the feeling. I looked into the mirror every morning questioning exactly what I was missing, after all I should be happy. I had everything I had wanted, right? But my reflection showed me exactly what was wrong. When I saw myself I could only see what I wasn't. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then what I was doing was looking for the infinite amount of words that were missing and overlooking the beauty right in front of me. I didn't acknowledge what I had already accomplished because I was too caught up trying to impress others and not myself. Maturing and growing up was more than just achieving things, it was taking the initiative to do things not for the glory but for the happiness and self-contentment they could offer me.
Any advice? Please and thank you.
I'm not entirely an expert in essay writing, so don't take my advice too seriously.
- The transition from track to club was slightly awkward, seems like two separate stories.
- As much as I enjoy a well written story, the repetition and language used to give the story emotion might bore the readers. Perhaps consider cutting down some words.
Examples that you could cut:
- spend days and days [avoid repetition unless it really makes the story feel alive and interesting, which might be the case from this]
- stand out from behind her ever looming presence [a tad dramatic, could ease it down as you're just repeating that she has a shadow and you're in it]
- to be more often futile than not. [who talks like that? a Bond villain, change it?]
- encompassed with attempts [my vocabulary doesn't include this word on daily conversations, keep it if yours does. If not, consider changing it so it 'flows' more]
- fill footsteps permanently embedded in concrete [this is slightly confusing, how does it being in concrete prevent you from filling them in?]
- I decided to join the track team [nitpicking, you can just say "I joined the track team"]
- and it seemed only right that I did as well. [kinda redundant, you can remove this]
- I didn't expect it to become something more to me than just another way to compete with my sister. I was no longer insignificant. [the link/transition from these two sentences doesn't make much sense, seems clunky. You could specify how it made you less insignificant. Also the sister competing is nice, but it's kinda old by now]
- Through sweating together, winning together, crying together, my team became more than simple friends or fellow runners, they were my family away from home. [you should probably introduce the team before you mention how you bonded. Possibly something like; "The shadow of my sister extinguished the moment I was introduced to the team of 5 girls and 6 guys. All were from the same place, they were all passionate about the sport. I think it rubbed off me. Through sweating...]
- In the moments with when my legs were on the verge of giving out and my heart that felt like it could pump no harder, it wasn't beating my sister that pushed me forward to victory, but a drive to not let my team members down. [you can remove 'in the moments' and 'my heart that felt' remove 'that' and 'pump no harder' sounds awkward, maybe 'when my heart was beating it's limit' and 'beating my sister' could change to making your mother proud (make it more positive) 'team members' can change to just 'team']
I'll come back for more examples if you need it.
Besides that, you need to somehow link this back to how you benefit their school and how their school benefits you. It doesn't have to be direct, actually it should be completely indirect for this prompt. Search what the school's slogan or motto is, what they strive for and what they want. Somehow input what you can give by the story. Example: College liked creativity. I stepped out of her shadow by being an art student and creating this thingy which began as something to beat her which only ended up to my desire to create objects of beauty from garbage. Or something similar.
Hope this helps. Also watch your word limit, seems like it's above the maximum.
I like the essay that you drafted. the problem, is that I like it more as a central identity prompt instead of a transition prompt. Consider the requirements of the essay prompt that you chose. You have to present an event of the formal or informal kind that reflects your transition to adulthood. Joining the track team, your experience there, and how you developed as a person in that scenario does not fulfill the transition to adulthood requirements. My advice is to either change the prompt response to a central identity prompt or, write a new essay that better addresses the transition to adulthood requirements. You can save this essay for another prompt in the future if you wish to. Right now, it just does not respond to a transition essay. The final decision as to what to do with this essay is yours to make :-)
