Hi, everyone!
I am Maurice from the Philippines, and below is the requirement list for writing the Personal Statement from the Erasmus Program in which I am applying:
Can you please help me with this? Thank you so much in advance!
PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR ERASMUS
I am applying for the fellowship under ERASMUS Mundus Global Markets, Local Creativities International Master Program because I want to get myself equipped with knowledge and skills essential to contribute to the economic growth of my locality and my country by merging my education of Entrepreneurship, Business Development, and Management, as well as experience on Micro, Small, and Medium Enterprise Development.
The past experiences I had, which include my college degree, participation on related events, community involvements and employment under Medium and Small Scale Industries Coordinated Action Program (MASICAP) and the Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) make me competitive enough for the fellowship.
One project that ignited my passion in creating change to the community was a client from Ovu-Manobu Tribe where I assisted them in preparing feasibility study along with the necessary documents in order for them to avail of Department of Labor and Employment's (DOLE) Livelihood Assistance Program. The said agency approved the proposal and granted them new corn sheller machine and provided them capacity training operating the same. The grant amount was Php 250,000.00 or $5,000. That's when I realized that in my own way, I took ownership of driving change in their communities. I was 19 by that time, and now, even at 25, I still consider it as my best achievement.
I came from a financially striving family. My dad is in Australia while my mom passed away when I was still in college, that's why I have become financially independent by doing writing jobs to help my financial needs. In college, I studied Bachelor of Science in Accounting Technology.
My performance back in college also brought me to various local and international scholarships, seminars and workshops, such as the Young South East Asian Leaders Initiative (YSEALI Academic Fellowship) where I studied Social Entrepreneurship and Economic Development at the University of Connecticut, USA. YSEALI is the reason why I decided to kick start my own social enterprise called SOLE LEAD Tribal Footwear, which upcycles used vehicle tires and tribal patterns into high-quality footwear products. Another is Japan-East Asia Network of Exchange for Youths and Students (JENESYS) Programme in Hokkaido, Japan, which both added to my exposure. In addition, my job empowers me to participate on trainings that provided me with knowledge and skills needed in helping Micro, Small and Medium Enterprises (MSMEs) prosper, which is my ultimate responsibility as a Senior Business Counselor at DTI.
Considering I am starting up a social enterprise, the scholarship will certainly expand my perspective on how to penetrate the global market by using my local creativity through studying specialized topics in Global Markets & Development Pathway, which include historical and cultural perspectives on the global economy, global marketing, as well as mass consumption.
The module that GLOCAL offers is the best program that complements my passion and concern. The learnings I will earn will be applied in my social enterprise while I can also use the same learning to teach MSMEs I assist at work when I go back to my home country. My social entrepreneurship project and the ones I assist will eventually result in an inclusive growth, which also means advancement in my career.
What I see as the topic of my year 2 dissertation will be entitled "Social Enterprises in Asia and Europe: Comparative Analysis of Similarities and Differences". Another one would be "Social Enterprises and Global Market: Challenges and Opportunities of Globalization". I will include in the dissertation countries' opportunities for economic growth that's brought about by social enterprises. My professional experience of working with MSMEs and the topics I will be learning from GLOCAL will provide guidance for my dissertation.
Erasmus Mundus is a perfect platform to learn and hone the skills I need in crafting projects in line with the Sustainable Development Goals through brainstorming and possible collaboration with policymakers, professors, experts, and fellow participants.
The opportunity to study in a consortium of prestigious Universities in Europe is in itself an honor given their academic merit and global recognition. I look forward to an experience which will enable me to learn about European culture and history. As an ordinary Filipino from the islands of Mindanao, I will present a positive image of my country and act as an ambassador amongst a select few lucky enough to be an Erasmus+ scholar.
I genuinely hope the admission committee finds my profile well suited for this life-changing opportunity.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Maurice, your letter is suffering from a case of too much information. You have written a complete biography from the personal, to the academic, to the professional in this letter of motivation. Not all of that information is required. If you will trust me to steer you in the right direction, there are actually only several paragraph from this tremendously long essay that you need to use to develop a more appropriate motivation letter. The sentences that you can use are the following: 1,3,6,7,9,10.
Using the aforementioned sentences, develop a more concise motivational letter. Try to do a better job in utilizing sentence #7 by explaining how you hope to also have an enlightening exchange of ideas with other students studying the same major in order to broaden your horizons and learn about how things are done in other countries. Explain how you hope to learn about XXX on a global scale, which is one of the main purposes of an Erasmus scholar.
Don't discuss your study plan in this essay. This is only the motivational letter. The study plan either goes into your statement of purpose or a specific study plan essay (when required). Also, try to develop a strong concluding statement. Your current closing statement is weak and does not really implore the committee to consider your application in a very strong or convincing manner.
@Holt Please make it urgent first, thank you.
Hello! Thank you for the great feedback, Holt. I highly appreciate it!
By the way, here's my revised copy of the Personal Statement. (I also put in the Guidelines for your perusal). Let me know your thoughts. Thank you!
Following are the guidelines for the Personal Statement.
1. You should outline your motivation for choosing the GLOCAL programme (i.e. how it complements and develops your previous studies; how it relates to your career path; how it relates to your personal and academic interests).
2. Explain why you think you are a good candidate for the programme given your previous studies and the courses offered on the programme in both years.
3. Briefly indicate what you see as being the topic of your year 2 dissertation (this can change later).
4. You should highlight your participation in conferences, internships, non-governmental organizations, summer schools, and other socially sensitive or political activity; as well as any prizes/awards received even if these activities are not specially connected to the area of Global Markets & Local Creativities.
5. Maximum 1200 Words
PERSONAL STATEMENT
... my education on Entrepreneurship, Business Development and Management, as well as my professional experience in countryside and Micro, Small, and Medium Enterprise (MSME) Development.
One project that ignited my passion ...
Considering I am working at the Department of Trade and Industry, and at the same time starting up a social enterprise called SOLE LEAD Tribal Footwear, I believe this prestigious scholarship will certainly ...
The modules that GLOCAL offers [...] back to my home country. I hope to also have an enlightening exchange of ideas with other students studying the same major in order to broaden my horizons and learn more about how things are done in other countries. I hope to learn about Economic Development, Entrepreneurship, and Innovation on a global scale. My social entrepreneurship project, ...
What I see as the topic of my year ...
Erasmus Mundus is (...), and fellow participants. Upon completing my masters, I aim to continue my social enterprise and start conducting series of Social Entrepreneurship workshops and Social Business Incubation sessions in Davao del Norte, and eventually in Mindanao, using the multidisciplinary knowledge and skills gained through the GLOCAL programme.
The opportunity to study (...) European culture and history. I would be honored to be granted admission and a scholarship opportunity to your program. As an ordinary Filipino from the island of Mindanao, I will present a positive image of my country, the Philippines, and act as an ambassador among a select few ...
