'The Mountain to success'- My UWC admission essay

the choice of United World College

Hello there,
I'm currently working on my UWC admission essay and this is the first time I've applied for a scholarship and I'm fearing immensely. This is my essay:

Topic: Please write a statement of not more than 300 words explaining why you are interested in attending a United World College, describing both what you might contribute to the College and what you hope to gain.

'The enigma of life has always fascinated me. I was privileged to participate in an international excursion with others from my school to Abu Dhabi 3 years ago. It was an adventure I can't forget that exposed me to multi-culturalism, a sense of responsibility, diversity and self-dependence. I envision attending a United world college the right stepping stone to help shape myself into a better person. Forming bonds with other people from different social and cultural backgrounds.

Another motivation for my choosing UWC is the uniqueness of its mission and values and its broadened curriculum. I do enjoy that it shakes up the traditional journey of education, through its provision of a solid grounding for cultivating the dedication and focus I'll need in university. It seems incredible to me that so much can be done and learnt in this time span and I'm eager to take this ride. Attending UWC would help develop and maximize my artistic skills, particularly my skills in mixed media and 3-D sculpting in preparation for university. UWC would be a great step that I would love to take in the advancement of my life goals and aspirations. Being a philanthropist and an iconic political leader in Nigeria has been a lifelong goal of mine as seeing so much deprivation all my life cause by successive bad governance has always inspired me to want to fix things for the better.

Thus, obtaining my international Baccalaureate Degree from one of the UWC schools will be for me, a dream come true. I believe that in helping me develop my leadership skills at UWC I will also be connecting myself with young scholars and future leaders from diverse backgrounds and multicultural experiences which will in no small way transform me.'

any grammar problems, punctuation or improvements will be much appreciated. thanks :)

Having advised a tremendous number of students on their UWC applications, I can tell you that this essay will not make an impression on the reviewer. It is too general in discussion and content for it to truly embody your interest in applying to the university. UWC is looking for students who want to make a difference in their country upon their graduation. Remember that you are being asked to describe 2 specific elements of your interest as it applies to the mission and vision of UWC.

1. what you might contribute
2. what you hope to gain.

You only focused on number 2 throughout your essay. You do not have a reference to number 1 at all. So you have to go back and revise the content. Review the UWC website. Based on the objectives of the university, what do you hope to contribute in relation to their mission, vision, or objectives? Focus on the objective of the school in relation to your response. What is the objective?

"Making education a force to unite people, nations and cultures for peace and a sustainable future".

Based on that information, write new content for your response. Be reflective. Make sure to address the reference to people, peace, and a sustainable future in your essay. Relate those 3 subjects to the "contribution" and "gain" reference of the prompt. Review the website. Specifically, look into the "Our Impact" section for ideas as to how you can improve your response.