Hello please is an essay am writing for a scholarship. Please is this a good essay? If not help me correct it or show me example:
ESSAY:Describe your vision for your country and how you hope to contribute to that vision
What do you hope will have changed in 5 - 10 years after you graduate from ASU? How do you plan to contribute? (minimum of 250 words, maximum of 750 words)
What I hope would have changed in 5 - 10 years in Nigeria after I graduate from ASU is for Nigeria economy to be booming and be among the largest economies in the world, Power sector restructured and modified to serve Nigeria citizens with 24 hours uninterrupted power supply, this will attract foreign investors to Nigeria. For Nigeria to have a clean water supply to every homes. For internet to be accessible to every Nigerian and cheap too. For Nigeria roads to free of pot holes and have a very good road network to every part of Nigeria. For Nigeria Education sector to be among the best in the world and our Universities to be among the 100 best universities in the world. For Nigeria Universities, Polytechnics, Secondary and Primary Schools to have state of the art learning facilities and technological teaching aids. For her Government to create enabling environment to enhance learning activities and improve studying culture in Nigerians. For Nigeria hospitals to have state of the art facility and use cutting edge equipment in treating her patients and have good and qualified Doctors and Nurses, For corruption to reduce in Nigeria and to be one of the fastest growing ICT driven country and ICT Hub/Market in Africa and the world at large. I plan to contribute by using Information as a driving force for this. I will organize ICT workshops and seminars to empower the youths with information and train them on various IT skills. I plan to contribute to this vision by:
After I graduate from ASU, I will embark upon my 5-10 year vision of changing the Nigerian economy by helping to transform it into one of the largest world economies with the currently unreliable power sector of Nigeria complete rehabilitated to provide 24 hours power for all households, factories, and offices. I will help to improve the infrastructure of Nigeria in order to boost the local economy and provide jobs to locals. I will also work with various NGO's to help rehabilitate the educational and health sector by equipping both with the latest technology and training possibilities. I also hope to fight corruption using technology as one of the best ways I can to eradication of corruption in Nigeria.
1) I will work with relevant government to reduce cash transactions as much as possible by making credit cards transactions as cheap as possible for merchant
2) I advocate for government transactions to be stored on a central database for Anti-corruption agencies, the citizens and other relevant government agencies have access to. This way the citizen can see how the government spends her capital and what it is used for. No room for paper financial documents that can be shredded and can be used as an evidence and proof to sue government official(s) for misconduct.
Leonard, there is still something about the essay that does not work. I think it is because you are referring to Nigeria as a person instead of a country. I would like you to try something different in approaching this essay that just might work. Instead of explaining how you view Nigeria in 5-10 years and then enumerating the steps you will be taking to correct it, talk about the things that you want to do in Nigeria to help alleviate the country's situation over 5-10 years instead. Hopefully, this method of writing will seamlessly present your vision for Nigeria and your contributions to the improvement of your country in paragraph form. I am sorry to have to ask you to constantly keep changing the content and format of your essay. These are the steps that it takes to create an essay that will eventually feel perfect enough for you to submit with your other application documents :-) I ask you to be patient as I try to guide you towards that end result :-)