NTU Scholarship essay - A value you strongly hold to
Ever since I was sitting on my sofa after kindergarten watching the best cartoon, in my opinion at the age of 6, Barney & friends, my parents, and Barney, have always told me that family is very important but honestly, I thought nothing much off it until one day.
That one day was when my dad told me that my parents were getting divorce. I was in disbelief, I couldn't accept the fact that I was essentially losing my family. I was experiencing the lowest point in my life and I was desperate, I would've even given up my extremely precious gameboy to get my family back. But from those darkest times in my life, I had learnt one important lesson - the importance of family.
I was about the age of thirteen when I started becoming active in church and it was in church that I learnt the importance of community, a place of belonging where everyone gathers for a common goal.
After learning off the importance of community, I started appreciating everyone around me, friends at school who support and push me to do better in my academics, friends at church who constantly spur me on to keep improving myself as a person and even my teammate in ultimate frisbee who motivate me to become a better player.
I personally believe that every good value such as honesty, integrity and kindness, are equally important in life however, values that shine brightest in communities such as teamwork and respect are closest to my heart.
In the bible there's a verse that says a triple braided cord is stronger than a single strand. I believe that NTU will be a great community not just for me to grow but for all of us to become the best world changers we can be.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15385 Okay, let me stop you right there. Do not go all the way back to age 6 as a reference for this essay. You cannot tell the reviewer you got your sense of values from a kiddie show. That is the lamest reason you can have as an influence for your values. It is also an age where the reviewer knows you do not understand very much about values and belief systems. While you might think that the value system you learned from TV is good to cite in this essay, the reality is, you just gave a very weak opening statement that would have the reviewer moving on to the next student.
If you decide to revise this essay and focus instead on the specific values that you learned from your church from the time you were between 14 and 16, then you will have a more solid reference point for your values and beliefs development. The last 2 sentences are not necessary. That is just lip service to the reviewer, which will not impress him at all. Just stick to discussing a single value that you believe your church strongly instilled in you. That would be more appropriate for this essay.
Relate the divorce of your parents with the sense of community that you developed during this pivotal point in time. That would strongly show how you value the strength of the community when a member needs support the most. Depict how the community helped you deal with the divorce and then explain how you apply the community belief system in your own life.That way the strength of your belief in the value of community becomes more evident.
Personally I think that the essay is better than the previous one.
Nevertheless, you have not show readers clearly about how community at church help you, changed you. This should be the main topic of the essay. The more specific you describe your community at church, the better reader understand you.