Hello. My name is Joshua, From Mexico. I am writing an essay for the Korean Goverment Scholarship Program. It is divided in two Parts: The first one is a letter of self introduction. asking these questions:
o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea
So far i have made 3 drafts of the introductory letter and merged them into this one. I believe that the 3rd paragraph is very vague and consumes a lot of space, but i am not sure how to make it shorter. I would like to ask for some help and advices. i am also having a bit of a trouble for the closing part.
It was a January the 6th; I was also six years old. My father gave me a small gift bag for the "Three Kings' day", A very unique tradition in Mexico which is similar to Christmas day, inside of it was a box with only two objects: The first was a small egg-shaped ball made of a solid material similar to sand and the second one was a tiny brush. Even when I do not remember the exact words the instructions were simple: "Use only the brush to discover what is inside, a surprise awaits you". I still cannot exactly know what caught my eye about that simple but yet particular instruction nevertheless, I instantly took the egg in my hands and observed it carefully. I thought about the situation and the possibilities I had in order to open it, "what if the mysterious thing inside is very delicate and breaks if I smash it against the floor or if it gets damaged if I use water", I said. After my deliberation I decided to follow the rules and start brushing the sand in order to get to my goal. The next few days my normal habits changed drastically. I Became obsessed with the content of the egg and I wanted to get it as soon as possible, waking up earlier than what was normally used so I can advance as much as possible without wasting any time before going to school and sleeping late at night with the same purpose, one brush at a time. For the first time I had my heart set on something and it was up to me if either I could achieve it or not. Slowly, with every delicate brushing, a figure began to take shape in the sand. First a horn, then two legs and a tail, until it finally appeared. A small decorative figure of a dinosaur.
I come from a family that has always been highly competitive in the academic area. Both of my parents graduated from their respective Universities among the best in their generation. They decided to dedicate their lives to teaching. My sister, as well as them, finished her medicine school in similar terms and is now a critical care pediatric subspecialist. I, for example, graduated from university as a Psychologist with an honorable mention and have received similar recognitions for my academically outstanding performance, However that does not mean it has been easy for us to obtain, or it does not even imply we pursued these awards for the meaning of themselves, they represent great honor, yes, but we earned them thanks to one distinctive characteristic: Effort. Thanks to the example given to me by my family I can say I learned how difficult trying to achieve what you want can be and how important it is to keep moving forward and overcome any difficulty that comes in order to grow from every defeat.
After finishing a period of voluntary service in the Community Counseling Center of the Autonomous University of Tamaulipas I decided to take a pause on my academic life to focus on obtaining work experience. I knew from the beginning that getting a human resources job in a highly competitive area as my city would not be easy. Many of my colleagues and friends managed to quickly find jobs in education, mostly as substitute teachers; however, I chose to follow a different path. (I want to talk about how it took six months for me to find a job in order to connect this part). I found my first job opportunity working as a trainee Human resources executive for a company focused on providing security and administrative services. Our Most important client was one the fastest growing ports in the country, The port of Altamira In the state of Tamaulipas. There, thanks to the support of my boss, we managed to Introduce a model of competencies oriented Interview and the modification of psychometric assessment according to the profiles required and after a short period of time i got formally hired for the company. I knew at that moment I was able to take the next step.
Every single day for the last six months I have been waking up with only one thing in mind: The KGSP.
If a word defines the Korean Culture for me, that is effort. The simple fact
Because even if I fail I know I can get up again
The same effort that started to define me back when I was a child, one brush at a time.
(these are just ideas).
Thanks for your time in advance guys.
Joshua.
Hi Joshua. Welcome to EF! Before giving you any edits relating to grammar, punctuation, and word choice, let's just talk about the focus of your essay.
I'm kind of confused by what you have chosen to include and share in this introductory letter. I don't really think this letter is answering what the instructions have asked. Your third paragraph is really where all the important information lies- your work history, volunteer experience, accolades and successes, etc... These should be highlighted, not jumbled up into one paragraph.You gloss over your own education and experience as a psychologist. Why did you chose to study this? What did you learn in this field and how has it shaped you? That is pertinent information! you need to include more details here.
No where do I see what program you're applying for, why you want to be in this specific program, and specifically why Korea is the next step on your journey. This is the kind of information that the application committee is looking for.
Your first two paragraphs provide a lot of information, but is it relevant? I don't think so. I don't think they say very much to the reader or help them discover who you are as a person. I would cut them down, merge them into one paragraph, or delete them entirely. They're not serving you in this instance and doing this leaves you with more room to answer what is asked of you in more detail.
I'd be happy to edit this and critique it as written, but right now it's best of you re-think what you have and how it represents you while answering what is asked.
Hello Hiddengrace.
I really appreciate your response.
The first paragaph was a brief introdction about a personal experience i had that makes me believe i have always been very persistent and put effort in all the things i do. I wanted to keep that topic in mind in the second one by saying it is something i learned from my family and that particular characteristic has given us the strenght to overcome adversities.
I read once that personal experiences can sometimes be added at the beginning to use them as an example of your values but i can understand that maybe i took a lot of space and quite didn´t connect with the reader.
About the third one i pretended to keep a low profile, but since it is destined for a scholarship it will be be better to expand a lot this part.
I will start right now.
Thanks again.
Well, I think a personal experience can be great if you can connect it to the reason behind going into your chosen field, choosing this specific school, or if it has otherwise shaped you on your path to becoming a ??? ( since I don't know what program you are applying for here). If you want to connect it to persistence and diligence then you should explain how those skills were relevant in that experience, how you've grown those skills over the years and how they are relevant to your success in this program now. Right now it's not connected at all and it doesn't mean anything to the reader if you don't discuss how this event influenced you.
The same thing with your parents being highly competitive academically. It's not related. Discussing your sister and your parents' occupations doesn't help you in anyway unless, again, you connect what you learned from them to how you will succeed in this program. To be honest, I don't think it's really relevant at all, but it is your letter after all, so the ultimate decision lies with you. :) If you want to talk about the strength to overcome adversity, you should do so, but I'm not reading that from your essay right now. I think it's more important to focus on what is asked of you in the instructions and discuss your motivations for choosing this program.
I assume that there will be plenty of space to highlight your achievements in the other part of the application process/ essay that you mentioned; however, why not start of with a bang and highlight your accomplishments? Even if you just pick the most relevant experience, and discuss it in more detail, I think that will leave a more positive and lasting impression (but, as always, it's just my personal opinion). You want them to finish this letter eagerly waiting to read more about you and your other experiences and accomplishments. And for me, this essay doesn't quite do that yet.
I look forward to reading your revised essay!
Hello Again. It has been almost two days since i startet to re-think the main idea of my essay... I guess i have found the core ideas but i am not sure how to start. I must thank you Hiddengrace because of this i managed to remember a lot more important events i have done to prove the points i was talking about.
So far i have this:
During my university days i always pursued excellence, It might be partially because my family has always been what we can call "Highly competitive" in this area, filling our home shelves with awards and medals and partially because i feel passion on my profession, Psychology. Anyways, my top priority was to achieve the best result as possible. On my third semester I got awarded with a scholarship that consisted on the exemption of the full tuition payment for getting the highest score among my generation by obtaining a final grade of one hundreed percent on every subject. I got my first job experience during the next summer vacation as a general assistant at one of the most important oil companies of the city i lived in. That could sound very important but sadly, my main function consisted on helping a pipe fitter to do his job by carrying their working tools such as polishing machines, and pipe pieces bigger than my head around our assigned area. His name was Michael and he taught me the true meaning of "Working hard". We had shifts of eleven hours a day on open areas with no covering from the sun, i remember i thought on quitting, but that was not the way i do things. With time, thanks to Michael i learned to use some of his tools and read the building plans for the pieces we made.I want to add here that michael was a Korean descendant and while we worked together I learned a little about his culture but im not sure why On my third week of work i got called by the head engineer of the project with the purpose of being reassigned to the administrative area where I finished my working period after two months. I realized then that many people´s experience and talent were not being seen by the responsible for them and that made me focus my path on the organizational psychology area. During the rest of my career i received awards such as a recognition for obtaining the "Record of Outstanding Performance" Conferred by The National Center for Assessment in Higher Education(CENEVAL) and an Honorable Mention by my university but i believe that the experience i got on that summer was what trully defined me and helped me spot South Korea.
and the next ideas wich are basically the same as the last part you mentioned were important:
After finishing a period of voluntary service in the Community Counseling Center of the Autonomous University of Tamaulipas I decided to take a pause on my academic life to focus on obtaining work experience. I knew from the beginning that getting a human resources job in a highly competitive area as my city would not be easy. Many of my colleagues and friends managed to quickly find jobs in education, mostly as substitute teachers; however, I chose to follow a different path. (I want to talk about how it took six months for me to find a job in order to connect this part). I found my first job opportunity working as a trainee Human resources executive for a company focused on providing security and administrative services. Our Most important client was one the fastest growing ports in the country, The port of Altamira In the state of Tamaulipas. There, thanks to the support of my boss we managed to Introduce a model of competencies oriented Interview and the modification of psychometric assessment according to the profiles required and after a short period of time i got formally hired for the company. I knew at that moment I was able to take the next step.
The part of why this scholarship is still on the oven, but i wanted to share this in order to get advices
Thanks a lot.
From your introduction to this essay, the impression that I get is that you care more about competing in academics- getting good grades, high gpa, awards, etc... I don't think that's the message that you want to send. It reads like you care more about getting accomplishments rather than learning, growing, making contributions to society or your school, etc... And that's definitely nit a view that you want a school to have of you. Yes, they'll understand that you'll work hard, but it's not for the right reasons. I would talk more about your passions as they relate to learning, and contributing to society.
I don't know why you put working hard in quotes. Expand upon this part also. You talk briefly about working long hot days, etc... but you don't talk about how you learned the value of hard work. What impact did this discovery of hard work have on you? I'd also talk more about the admin area of that job. What did you do once you realized that people's good work was going unnoticed? How did that realization help you or change you?
You can easily and quickly mention that it took you a long time to find a job but you never gave up or stopped working hard to find it. I would also discuss way more about this job. Don't gloss over the big things. How did you introduce this model? What effects did it have on you, your job, or the company itself?
Keep thinking about this, keep digging, keep editing and rewriting. You'll get there.
Hello again. I am sorry i have not being able to continue posting but part of my application involved taking the TOEFL test, and i focused on it a lot. I took what you told me and i want to share what i got so far.
I have always wanted to be part of something. Ever since I was a child I learned from my family that what you do, even if it is a small action, has an impact on the other. My parents for example, decided to dedicate their lives to teaching and have forged generations of valuable citizens for my community. My sister as a pediatrician helps to preserve the most vital base for the future: Childhood. These have been my models of life and following their steps is the path I have chosen.
My passion of contributing with society led me to pursue a Bachelor´s degree in Psychology. During my school years I became an active member of the student's community by participating in numerous congresses of Psychology and behavioral sciences, providing orientation to freshman students and forming study sessions during my free time. Alongside these meaningful activities I participated during my fourth semester in a project with a friend from another university in the Information Technology (IT) area, developing a computer version of several items from "The Thurstone Temperament Schedule", a psychological test commonly used in my country. After this collaboration I started to think about how much companies or government agencies can improve their process of personnel selection by adding these technologies in their daily jobs and save valuable resources in the process. After that event I decided to become an Industrial & Organizational Psychologist.
Searching for countries focused on technological development I found an online report that was part of the archives of the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) which related how the Asian financial crisis of 1997 impacted on a country leading it to the edge. Terms as strong as instability, bankruptcy and domino effect were all over the page. It continued explaining that shortly thereafter, on January of 1998, answering a call for help from their homeland, thousands of citizens donated their gold treasures giving away what they had in order to establish the basis for the future and inspiring the whole country to get ahead of the difficult financial situation in only a few years, rapidly growing and facing challenges without hesitation. With time it became one of the most competitive nations around the world: That country was Korea and since that instant I set my eyes on it.
During the rest of my career I received several awards such as recognition for obtaining the "Record of Outstanding Performance" Conferred by The National Center for Assessment in Higher Education (CENEVAL), scholarships regarding academic excellence and an Honorable Mention from my university when I graduated in 2014. All these honors made me realize that I had the potential, to be part of something meaningful and contribute to society just as my family has been doing for many years. After my graduation I became a volunteer for six months at the Community Counseling Center of my university and found my first job opportunity in March, 2015, working as a Human resources trainee for a company focused on providing security and administrative services. Our most important client was one the fastest growing ports in the country, the port of Altamira. There thanks to the support of my boss I managed to introduce a model of competencies oriented Interview and the modification of psychometric assessment according to the profiles required for the different clients. After a short period of time i got formally hired and gained the opportunity to take care of the entire hiring process for several projects, sometimes traveling outside the city.
The KGSP represents to me an infinite number of possibilities. Not only to achieve a Master's Degree or to be part of an amazing cultural experience, but also to create strong relationships between our countries and join a community of highly competitive professionals committed with the development of our society. It also represents a challenge. Learning Korean as a third language, Involve into research and separate from my family and dear friends are just some of the obstacles that come to my mind when I think about it, however I truly believe that in order to fulfill your dreams you must be willing to take these trials and turn them into victories. Sometimes you will not get all the support you need to achieve your goals; I was forced to quit my job to gather the required documentation for this application, it was difficult, but I do not regret my decisions. I want to be part of something, and the KGSP is the way I have chosen.
Thanks a lot in advance.