Hello everyone,
This is a subordinate essay required in my application form of Musashino University. I was kinda confused, like whether this is too short or not, because I was allowed to freely write without being limited.
Your advise, comments and corrections are highly appreciated. Thank you for your help.
Essay:
Questions to safety, supporting network, teaching qualities and so on used to concern my parents with my choice, which is Japan, for the next 4 years. Therefore, through detailed discussions and research, they totally believed that it would be a host country that fits me best.
At first, they read articles and attended seminars about studying abroad in Japan with me; thus, they were no longer anxious for my student life if I come here to reach higher education. Knowing disaster drills are provided and an abundance of organizations founded to aid international alumni financially, my parents felt partly relieved for this given patronization.
Consultations with Vietnamese abroad students in Japan and their parents are done by my mother as well as she wanted to have a deeper look on the curriculum-related information and career opportunities. Those conversations helped her attach credence to the fact that studying here will develop all-sidedly both my knowledge and soft skills. Moreover, she credited that my academic profile would be enhanced and help me obtain a decent occupation easier.
Most importantly, they discerned that I am both ready academically to approach advanced educational programs in Japan and ready to stumble and fall. It is high time that their child learnt to spread her wings, fly to the sky without parents' pampering. (217 words)
Hi Diep,
Welcome to EssayForum :)
First of all, I believe that your essay is too short. An essay, especially a scholarship one, is commonly in 1 page length. 1 page equals more or less 250 - 300 words. Some scholarship essays require longer words than this one. Therefore, writing 217 words would not be enough to cover all of the explanation about your parents' thought.
My suggestion is that, first, you should elaborate your essay by adding some sentences that can possibly make it adequate for fulfilling 1 page length. Don't you realize that the first paragraph, the second, and the last paragraph consist only 2 sentences for each? This is the important thing part you have to add. You need to remember a strong and well-developed paragraph should consist of at least 3 sentences minimum. Second, you don't need to create a long-but-inaccurate sentence. Accurate sentence is still better than confusing sentence (too long). Complex sentence is just simply a sentence with more than 1 clause.
Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. I would be grateful if I'm able to help.
Cheers :)
Hi@ichanpants89,
Thank you for your contribution to my essay, and I'm also sorry for this late response. For the last 3 days, I have been trying to re-write my essay and I really hope that It can get some of your corrections as well.
Once again, thank you very much for reading my essay. I really appreciate your help.
My essay:
Questions to safety, supporting network and so on used to concern my parents with my choice for the next 4 years. The rewards, which are to reach far beyond academic, to open minds and to create international friendships, are immense; however, it still rattled the nerves of them. Fortunately, through detailed discussions, they totally believed that Japan would be a host country fitting me best.
To explore countermeasures for concerns, they attended seminars with me and did research about the school I would chase for higher education. Knowing that disaster drills are provided and an abundance of organizations founded to aid international alumni, my parents felt partly relieved for this patronization. I was also required to learn more about Japan, equipped with money management skills and taught to stay healthy whilst studying abroad.
Communication problems are stress-causing as well. With Skype and other contractual applications, I can
touch base with the folks back home. However, being exposed to Japanese, which is one of the hardest languages, matters most. Therefore, my parents registered a class for beginners like me as a solution so that they can make sure I will not constrive to live if I study in Japan.
Another issue discussed is financial one. I was encouraged to apply for scholarships and informed of the budget that they could afford annually. We also consulted from some forums about the living fees in Japan and started planning fiscally.
Most importantly, they discerned that I am ready both academically to enter another learning environment and to leave the nest. My mother knew feeling worried was normal but she realized that letting me fly into the sky and trusting were needed for my maturity. They attached credence to that I could get over difficulties and grow up through this adventure.(297 words)
Hi Jamie,
I also applied for a scholarship earlier this year, so that, hopefully, my understanding about this kind of essays in general might be helpful. Personal speaking, i found your bit's content mainly discussed about how your parent overcame their negative thoughts themselves and how they supported you in your future studies. It seems that your parents paved everything for you, such as the idea of applying for a scholarship was also came from them.
I believe it is also important to show your contributions toward your future somehow, even though the mainstream should be remained as about your parents.
Keep up the good work!
Cún
Hi@Thicun,
Thank you for your correction and contribution to my essay. I really appreciate your help. :)
Can I ask you one more thing? How should I add to my essay about my contributions towards my future? Only 1 or 2 sentences would be fine, right?
Thank you once again.
Sincerely,
Jamie.
I think it shouldnt be a problem to add few sentences about how you solved your parent's worries, or the process of how their mind changed after your inputs (you have already mentioned some good points, so i believe that rearranging them a bit might work)... But, please be very careful when mentioning those because it could be just one step away from making the essay all about your stories...
Dear@Thicun,
I'm sorry for replying your comment this late. I've ready your suggestions and for me, they are totally great ideas which will make my essay become more convinced. So, I have been editing it, adding a few more information about my preparation for studying abroad and correcting some words.
This is my recent draft. Would you like to have a look at it again? Red words, phrases and lines are my corrections from the previous one.
Once again, thank you for your contribution. I really appreciate it :)
Topic for the subordinate essay: What do your parents think about your studying in Japan? (unlimited words)
Questions to safety, supporting network and so on used to concern my parents with my choice for the next 4 years. The rewards, which are to reach far beyond academic, to open minds and to create international friendships, are immense; however, it still rattled the nerves of them. Fortunately, through detailed discussions, they totally believed that Japan would be a host country fitting me best.
To explore countermeasures for concerns, they attended seminars with me and did research about the school I would chase for higher education. Knowing that disaster drills are provided and an abundance of organizations founded to aid international alumni, my parents felt partly relieved for this patronization. I was also required to learn more about Japan, equipped with money management skills and taught to stay healthy whilst studying abroad.
Communication problems are stress-causing as well. With Skype and other video technologies, I can touch base with the folks back home. Nonetheless , being exposed to Japanese, which is one of the hardest languages, matters most. Therefore, my parents registered a beginner class for me as a solution to make sure I will not constrive to live if I study here. Besides, I participated in voluntary work for events of Japanese universities to practice my language commands too.
Another issue discussed is financial one. I consulted from some forums about the living fees in Japan and started planning fiscally with my parents to solve their worries. Estimation reports written by me were handed in to them for further deliberation as well.
Most importantly, they discerned that I am ready both academically to enter another learning environment and to leave the nest.Feeling worried was normal but letting me fly into the sky and trusting were needed for my maturity. Through this aventure, they attached credence to that I could get over difficulties, grow up and succeed in my chosen career.(314 words)
P/s: Can I have your facebook or email or other social network accounts of yours for easier discussion? Thank you. :)