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PAVE Transformation - Is the prompt clearly addressed?


MaxOneMillion 2 / 5  
Jan 28, 2011   #1
It's supposed to be only 300 words, do you think the extra 10 words will disqualify me?

"What motivated you to take action within yourself or your community to break the cycle of violence?"

PAVE Transformation Scholarship
01/24/11
____The impending interrogation terrified me, thus I prepared my alibi. Bob was my court mandated therapist at the Botanical Wellness Center and I was immediately at his mercy. He shredded through my feigned emotional perfection and by the third or second visit he had me bawling; by the tenth or twentieth I could honestly say he was among the best of men I had ever met.

____If I just said "sherbert ice cream." you wouldn't know that I was actually talking my alcoholic of a father, and least favorite flavor of ice cream, but Bob phrased things like that to help me deal with my despair. That was his way of putting things and it made serious, emotionally charged subjects easier to talk about. I loved that. I wished I could do that for other people.

____On the night of March fifth, 2009 I was physically beaten by my father for the first time. I will never forget the feeling on somebody using a fist-full of my hair as leverage to slam my head into the linoleum. I had only lived with him for two and half months, and from the start it was only constant verbal abuse. Thus it should come as no surprise that in the time leading up to "the unlucky punch", another one of Bob's quirky phrases, I felt so lonely, cornered, neurotic, and self-hating. As you could now infer my crime was also one of violence,

____I write this essay because I know I can't go back in time and stop my self from doing what I did, but I do know that if I could, I would know exactly what to do and say to stop me from feeling so alone and dejected. So now I do and say for everybody who has been abused like me.
Belle15 5 / 11  
Jan 28, 2011   #2
If you can keep it to 300 words and to the point I think it be better, but I don't think you will get diqualify for 10 extra words; especially if its prented or written on paper than sent through the internet.
OP MaxOneMillion 2 / 5  
Jan 28, 2011   #3
and to the point I think it be better

Personally I think I made clarity my biznitch, but what do you think?
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 2, 2011   #4
among the best of men I had ever met.

That was His way of wording thing s made serious, emotionally charged subjects easier to talk about. I loved that. I wished I could do that for other people.

for two and half months ten weeks

Above, I trimmed away some words. You can always improve writing when you keep all the energy and meaning but take out some words.

And here is another place to eliminate a word: my self myself

Yes, I think you made clarity your biznitch. :-)


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