We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit) *
*****685 words, too much?? Too much ideas? Confusing??? Not organized? "show" not "tell" ??
Life was perfect to me, but also plain. Plain because most of the time we studied and our parents worked. Perfect because I never had to worry about anything; the maids took care of our daily needs. My parents would buy anything I wanted and so I naively viewed the perfection came naturally. But at the age of ten, I began to rule out this theory.
My sisters and I were having dinner; my mom then stormed into the house waving a blue envelope in her hand and excitedly shouted: "We are moving to America!" We looked at her blankly but then turned back to our dinner as if the announcement never took place. I really doubted that she was serious, since moving to a country across the Pacific did not appear to be realistic; I thought of this as I was munching my rice. Not until five months later I saw five suitcases lined up in the middle of the house silently summoning us to fill them with personal belongings. Without a chance to say goodbye to my friends, we went on board with our "American dreams."
I carefully opened the door. Breezes then gently blew onto my face and fluttered the curtains. This was my new home. By white walls, off white carpet and the low temperature, they suggested this room had been lifeless for a long time. At first, we did not have any furniture. To solve the problem, my mom collected abandoned cardboard boxes to serve as dinner table and so we knelt and ate on imitation table. Every day was boring to me. Since there were not any electronic entertainment systems, all I could do was to lie on my back and stared aimlessly at the ceiling with no intentions in mind. At night we used thin blankets as mattresses and slept together in one room just to feel more secure. I started to do chores that I had never done, such as washing dishes, cooking, and taking care of my younger sisters.
After five month of being in idling mode, I finally went to school. During the first day, I had difficulties because I was unfamiliar with the American lunch system and had a communication problem. I almost cried for feeling so helpless. I was one of the most popular girls in my old school in Hong Kong, but now to everyone, I was just a shy and quiet Asian. English alphabet was not a friend to me at first, but my innate ambition pushed me to get better. I did not want myself to expose weaknesses to anyone.
As I grew older, I amused myself with music, drawing and even martial arts. It was fortunate for me to attend a karate seminar with my instructor in Canada when I was fifteen. Even though it was only four days, but I lived as I never had lived before. Solemn faces dressed in formal uniform in a traditional dojo overwhelmed me with awe. The pain, sweats, and sore after each practice seemed to instigate me to work even harder. At night we had dinner all together and as I looked at each individual I became increasingly introspective. I was away from the family for the first time and was more open and vulnerable to outside influences. Indeed, the trip was a memorable experience.
After the trip, I began to put myself into the community more. I applied for numerous jobs, and finally a local grocery store hired me. I thought the money could come in handy, but most importantly it was the first real world experience I would have. I saw hundreds of people every day, unreasoning, complaining, and even sneaky ones.
Today, I am more mature due to the aging process and experiences. I believe my ambitions are still growing larger as I become more independent. I'm sure I am not the most unfortunate, in rank, one in the world but I take success as a must; I take advantage of the inevitable hardships. Only that one individual would understand the value behind the process of mistakes and learning.
"After five month(s)"...
"I did not want myself to expose weaknesses to anyone." I did not want to expose my weaknesses to anyone.
"I thought the money could come in handy, but most importantly it was the first real world experience I would have." The money did come in handy, but more importantly, it was the first real world experience I had.
This is great! I really enjoyed reading it!
Life was perfect to me, but also plain. Plain because most of the time we studied and our parents worked.
It is better to not use the sentence fragment. Make it a complete sentence:
Life was perfect to me, but also plain -- plain because most of the time we studied and our parents worked.
My parents would buy anything I wanted,
so I naively
believed perfection came naturally.
turned back to our dinner as if the announcement never took place.
Ha ha, very funny and cool. You wrote this well.
Use use excellent imagery; this is enjoyable to read.
I'm sure I am not the most unfortunate
, in rank, one
person in the world, but I have experienced enough adversity to really compel me toward success; I take advantage of the inevitable hardships.