Performance Anxiety [Questbridge Additional Essay, Prompt #1]

I would really appreciate some feedback on this, since the deadline is in 8 days!

an embarrassing full-body tremor

There are certain decisions you don't regret until the very moment they come back to bite you. This was one of those decisions. It took nearly all of my willpower to fight down my usual reaction to nerves: an embarrassing full-body tremor. My name was tenth on the list of speakers. There were only nine presenters before I had to go up in front of the audience - a crowd of maybe 200 people - and speak my piece. Usually, my deep-seated stage fright meant that I wouldn't be caught dead in the spotlight - "usually" being the operative word.

The "Speak the Word" event took place at the end of junior year. It was only at the suggestion of Mr. Pershan, the Writer's Club adviser, that I even considered participating - I've loved writing since I was young, but sharing it in front of an audience was a daunting prospect. Still, I decided I could do it. Maybe, I thought to myself, I could beat my stage fright in one fell swoop.

The piece I chose was a personal one I had written earlier in the year - an autobiographical not-quite-poem called Things No One Tells You. It's about coming out, coming to terms with yourself, and just existing as a lesbian. As I sat in my chair at the front of the library, looking down at the printed version of my piece in front of me, I silently cursed myself for choosing something so intimate to present in front of such a large group. It had a compound effect - the anxiety about performing, combined with the anxiety about coming out to this group of people I barely knew, made my stomach churn.

"And next is DJ Williams, presenting Things No One Tells You."

The announcement took me by surprise: I had been too busy in my own head to pay attention to who exactly was up at the podium, and now it was my turn. My friend Maria mouthed 'good luck' to me as I walked up to take my place at the front of the room, feeling like my body was on autopilot. I looked out at the rows of people watching me expectantly, then down at the words printed on my sheet of paper, then finally at the microphone. I closed my eyes and took a breath.

"They don't tell you that it's a process..."

As it turned out, this one moment wasn't enough to kill my stage fright. However, it was definitely a start. Getting up in front of that crowd, even if it didn't make my fear magically vanish, made me feel like I was in control of my anxiety instead of the other way around. For a week after Speak the Word, I had people coming up to me and telling me that they loved my piece, or that I was brave. My proudest moment was the one that made me feel like, just maybe, I deserve to feel proud.

I think essays consist of three parts : intro, body, conclusion. However i couldn't see it here. in intro tell what are going to say, in body tell what you want to say, and conclusion remind what you said. Also the words like First, sencond, another example, nevertheless etc are transactions words that connect yours ideas and give the reader can pace your writing easily.

DJ, your essay is one that most certainly expresses a very deep seated anxiety on your part. It is not everyday that people can talk about their performance anxiety so openly. While the essay is quite effective, I believe that there are certain things that you can do to make it even more effective. One of the aspects that I would like to discuss with you is how you can better build up the performance anxiety angle in the essay. Since that is the central theme of your work, there needs to be more information about this aspect of your personality prior to your Speak the Word experience.

In the beginning of your essay you state that


I am not in agreement with this statement. There was nothing about your performance during the event that tells me you came to regret your actions that day. In fact, it is the other way around. This was a decision that you obviously did not regret making because it helped you become a better person. So maybe you should save this very strong statement for the end of your essay and you can say something like ' There are certain decisions that you don't regret until the very moment they come back to bite you. This was not one of those decisions."


I believe that you should present a foundation for this paragraph with an earlier paragraph first. A paragraph that details your performance anxiety at a previous event, what happened to you and why that previous experience with performance anxiety made you feel uneasy about joining the 'Speak the Word' event.

You certainly wrote a strong conclusion at the end of the essay. It was quite nice to read about how fighting back the fear in this particular instance helped you not only overcome a part of your fear, but also made you more open socially to other people.That is why I believe that the statement about decisions should be placed towards the end of your essay instead of at the start. I believe that if you develop a stronger introduction and a strong transition paragraph, the overall essay will only get better.

As I see, a lot of EF contributors helped you out but I hope I will be able to contribute a little bit.

- ...my usual nervous reaction to nerves:, an embarrassing...
- - and speakutter my piece.

- ...yourself, and just...
- existingenjoy your existence being as a lesbian.
- ...looking down at the printed version of my piece in front of me ,

Well, there's not much to wok on as you have come up with a very well written essay. It is indeed a daunting task to speak in front of the masses mores if the topic you will talk about is something personal, however, what you get out of this experience is a lifetime appreciation of yourself, what you can achieve and what you will become in the years to come. I wish you the best of luck and check EF from time to time for any assistance that you need with your writing.