Programmed to achieve goals. Self introduction-letter for Scholarship

Hello to everyone! I'm applying for scholarship and since my mother tongue isn't English I need a help
Please could you help me to see mistakes of grammar and content. The letter is bad but I really don't know how to make it better :(

Thank you in advance!

o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

Dream big and fight for your dreams

Dear Korean Government Scholarship Program Admissions,

I would greatly appreciate NIIED for the opportunity to make submission
Often people see marketing as a merely tedious science of products and ways they are selling to customers. However, each of us is aware of a story when we'd fell in love at first sight with a black blouse or how we couldn't pass a favorite cosmetic shop smelling flowers of azaleas and a moment staying in front of advertising signboards with golden framing and beautiful models no able to take eyes off. People don't see behind the curtain there is an unremitting toil of marketing functionary.

I remember when my father opened his small store, I was in seventh heaven as it was an opportunity to put all my energy and creativity in that unusual direction. As it turned out, teen girl"s knowledge was insufficient but I experienced being a cashier, accountant and designer conventional grocery store. It was a wonderful experience, but I wanted more.

In school, I was an active child who was involved in all sorts of activities. Who says that a person can be good only in one thing? Among the most significant school achievements I notice that I have represented the school at a meeting of the children Duma and was a Chairman of Youth Education department. I was a participant in the ecology and wrote scientific work, which was awarded a diploma of Minister of Ecology. And being in love in art, I drew a lot and finally got the chance to work in a glossy magazine XXX for young people.

In 2013 I became a student of the XXX on specialty linguistics. My choice was based on idea that languages take an advantages and as the study will not be too difficult occupation for me. I already went through this as being tatar daughter I did not know the Russian language when I went to the first class. Learning a language was my little skill.

I saw myself only in marketing. That's what I liked; this is what has always inspired. This is an opportunity to engage in my favorite thing and bring from it the benefit of others, despite my past education, I have many advantages, I can read the specialized literature in English, I have skills of learning huge lists of words and studying grammar, so the Korean is not going to be a problem for me, I worked in marketing and I have good leadership and communication skills. This is my never-ending interest in the news from the world of SEO, a content marketing and various intelligence and the results of market research conducted in different countries. I want to invest all my efforts to my future profession, which is created at the intersection of art and science with huge potential for the development of the country's market.

University years I was mainly occupied by study. Nevertheless, every summer holidays I was involved in something that changed me for the better.

Dream big and fight for your dreams. I programmed myself to achieve goals despite the difficulties and obstacles. Following this principle I know that it's also important to know certainly your goal and work hard.

After the first course I admitted leadership school and worked in a camp for talented youth XXX and XXX, where I learned how to find common language with people. In the same year I became the organizer of the International Forum of Tatar youth, along with the liability attaches. Next year Kazan accepted a FINA competition where I had the privilege of working with athletes as a manager of Lounge zone, where I supervised the work of volunteers and service.

What pushed me to participate in this program? Participation in KGSP program and the opportunity to become a student of marketing at the University of Korea is a dream which I can't refuse. I'm not able to renounce my past and mistakes, but at the moment, all I have to do is look ahead and choose the best path for my life. This program is known all over the world and has gained much popularity as it gives a chance to study in the most perfect place on earth and provides everything you need for better education. This is a great opportunity to learn a new language, to move toward to my dream-profession and this is the universities with the highest quality of education and professors. If I have the honor to be selected to study in Korea, I promise not to disappoint my teachers and do everything possible to benefit from Korea and draw its attention to other countries as its experience is unique and needs to be examined and known by every professional in the world.

@Raiasu

First thing first, I guess you need to organize your ideas in your essay so it can be delivered smoothly and persuades the reader.
I also made some suggestion here. I hope it can help.

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I think your first paragraph try to tell about Marketing Background;
But why each of us is aware? What is the reason? Please give me clue.
Something missed from your opening story, it is unclear for me.

... small store, I was in seventh heaven Alternative: Over the moon as it was an opportunity to put ...

I guess this paragraph try to tell about your past experience, but I think you can make the story better by organize how your idea being delivered in the sentences.

In school, I was an active child who was involved in all sorts of activities . Who says that a person can be good only in one thing? If this is an academic writing, as far as I know we should avoid a question sentence like this. CMIIW Among the most significant school achievements ...

You can mention all these activities that you mean. But I think, it will be better if you emphasize in your best achievements and tell us why you can be best in those activities?

What is the main obstacle? How you can overcome that? Give the detailed information about it

Same comment with the second paragraph

I saw myself only in marketing. That's Please avoid abbreviation like this what I liked; this is what has always inspired. This is an opportunity to engage ... This sentence is confusing

If this paragraph want to tell about your passion and your wish for future career.
Maybe you can tell us why you love marketing and give more details about your future career/job.

University years I was mainly occupied by study. Nevertheless, every summer holidays I was involved in something that changed me for the better.

Is it a paragraph or just an unfinished idea? If you want to make it as a paragraph, try to write at least 3 lines.

Following this principle I know that it's abbreviation also important to know ...

What is the main idea of this paragraph?

After the first course I admitted leadership school and ...

Tell us about what you've got from this experience because I think it was a great experience you joined leadership school.
It can be your strong point.
Also tell us about your experience about volunteer and service.
What is the main problem?
How you can tackle it?
Etc.

Note: it just from my point of view, perhaps you have different perspective.

Aisu, if you are to review the requirements of the essay in comparison to the content that you have written, you will see that your introduction does not respond completely to the prompt requirements. That is because you have an uneven focus on the topics for discussion. This is not a college application essay that asks you to concentrate solely on your academic side. This is a scholarship application with specific requirements that need to be reflected as part of the preliminary interview.

Build more information about your background as a person. Discuss the kind of family that you come from and the community that you belong to that have all helped to develop the kind of person that you are today. Use at least 2 paragraphs to discuss this part.

Then, based upon the upbringing that you related, discuss the kind of world view that you developed. The focus of your comments at the moment center mostly on marketing. You do not really offer an interesting take on how you view the world in general. This is a social, not political, not academic, nor professional point of view. Talk about how your hopes and wishes for the future of the world tie in with your interest in Marketing. This should be around 3 paragraphs long.

Once you have established the aforementioned information, you can present an overview of your college education, accomplishments, and any other related classes or seminars that you have attended. Keep this section brief. One fully developed paragraph should be sufficient enough to deliver the necessary information.

Your discussion regarding the relation of your work experience in relation to the KGSP program is not really impressive. Look into the marketing world of Korea, learn what sets it apart from the rest of the world in terms of business application. Look for similarities with your education, work experience, or personal beliefs. These will serve as your motivation for application. Discuss those in the essay.

With regards to why you decided to study in Korea, the reasons you gave can apply to just about any university in the world. Try to present an actual interest in the country, its culture, and its emerging educational opportunities as the main reason for your interest. You have to be interested in living in Korea for a specific reason in order to strengthen your application.

@Holt
@bagusetyawan
I see what you mean.. So I have to be more precise and to add some of personality and motivation for choosing particular Korea
May be I should write separately under the every title?I will try right now, that could help to keep myself within requirements
Also I forgot to write that the letter must be spaced within 1 page and size 10

Thank you guys for your help!

Aisu, this is not supposed to be a research paper so remove the sub-titles in the presentation. This is supposed to be a smooth flowing essay that does not confuse the reader because you decided to divide it into topic paragraphs with titles. Remember how you were asked to write essays in your school before? It was just one solid narrative that used transition sentences, connecting paragraphs, and required information to create a fluid essay presentation to the reader. That is what you should aim to present here. You have a full page to fill at font size 10. Dividing the paragraphs will only cheat yourself because you will not really be fully developing the necessary points in this essay. Like I said previously, you need to add more information in order to fully depict the proper responses to the essay prompts. Simply cutting up the discussion in the manner you have above will not solve the information problem of your essay.

@Raiasu

I am sorry, but your essay is not supposed to be like that (I mean please remove the subheading in your essay).
Yeah you should try to make a good narration in your essay.
Try to write it smoothly just like when try to tell somebody about your story.
Cheers :)

@bagusetyawan
I just had an idea if it will make easier to read , like the admissions will see that I have wrote every required paragraph :) I tried again, hope this one is a little better

Thank you for being with me! Your statement of purpose is a good example also

From an early young age I used to walk in different shops not to purchase but to admire their "life". It always seemed to me as every store has his own character and preferences determining their appearance and customers they want see in. I know that behind the curtain there is an unremitting toil of marketing functionary team. My dream is to be a part of this team.

I was born 22 years ago in a big family and grew up together with my grandparents, parents, young brother and sister. I lived in a small village XXX, where life flows calm and slow, and here I was taught to keep positive thinking and be grateful and responsible for everything I have. My parents set me an example of respect to adults and tolerance to young. From here begins my worldview.

I studied in XXX School from 2002 till 2013 and after I have entered to the XXX University In major of linguistics ( English&French ). More specifically, at school I was better in humanitarian sciences than exact ones, except mathsematics. Along favorite subjects were social studies and languages and becoming a senior I have decided on translator profession. My choice also grounded on my previous successful language learning because stepping in the school I spoke only Tatar and learned Russian within a short space of time. I liked to study in linguistics faculty but I have always knew that I will go to another field for masters.

For my diploma a am working on "XXXXX", I tried to connect languages and marketing in a such way.

One opportunity grew up my enthusiasm and was the main reason why I decided to go to marketing after graduating. In university years my father allowed me to help with our family store, where I was moving from sales assistants work to abacus counter and have got an extensive view of how is business runs. It strengthened my early interests in marketing and particularly I focused on costumer behavior. What makes them return again and again? Which factors influencing to their behavior? The problem is not so ordinary as it seems because the consent is about how is going the formation of our everyday choices and habits at all.

My work and volunteer experience gave me the skills needed to work in the field of marketing. In 2013 I attempted XXX school of Leadership where I have been exposed to an wide range of subjects from theoretical to practical experiences such as speaking with an audience, strategy, leadership methods and creativity. August 2014 I was privileged to be a part of organizing committee of the VI World Forum of Tatar where I took responsibility for the Tatar delegation and learned to act in situations demanding high performance under stressful situations. In 2015 Kazan held the FINA World Aquatics Championship where I was a manager of Lounge Zone for sportsmen being able to use my language knowledges and oversewed the work of volunteers and service staff. The summer 2016 I went to USA as a participant of Work&Travel program. For me this trip became a turning point as here I found out who I am without my family and friends and achieved independency. Working in a world company (Starbucks) I have leaned first-hand about the company inside from its structure till the philosophy.

Reasons for choosing Korea are simple as I have always loved the East. I am very familiar with culture of Korea although I had never been there. Most of all I like the Korean cuisine, especially Bibimbap and a Russian variant of kimchi named Korean carrots salad. Also I'm a big fan of Yiurima and hope to see his performance one day. I don't speak Korean but I like how it sounds and I would like to learn it.

There are 3 key reasons why I want to study in this program.
- First, because I wish to grow as a marketing specialist and to make a contribution on this field. Korea is a great example in this field and studying Korean experience would be the best way.

- Second, I have choose 3 universities and members of their faculties have authored articles and research works that are overlaid with my research interests in xxx,xxx and xxx.

- Third is to start building international professional network for my future career and to establish friendships with future colleagues
- Forth, to discover a new culture and gain a unique cultural experience, to learn a language and speak in it with new friends
Attempting marketing major in Korea in this program is a one big dream I will not give up. I believe that my experience, my drive for study and success, desire and hard work would make me suited for studying marketing and deserving this program.

Thank you for you attention and consideration.

@Holt
Thank you, I appreciate your help! I wrote a new essay orienting to your remarks. What do you think about this one?

While the earlier part of your essay seems fine, it is quite unfortunate that the last part is problematical. You are suggested to write an 'essay' and not a 'power point'. You are not supposed to state your reasons in 3 major points like what you have written above. Besides, you mentioned that you have 3 key reasons but then you wrote 4 reasons to be exact. Also, each or your reason is not adequately supported by a proper example or explanation. Therefore, it makes your reasons become common / usual reasons that everyone might have. Try to be creative and elaborate your ideas. If, for example, you have limitation (words limit) in exploring your ideas, do not forget to mention it here so we know what specific part of your essay that should be omitted or replaced. I suggest you to mention the exact words limit for this essay to ease us in checking the content.

Aisu, don't bother including information about your high school interests in this essay. Your focal point needs to be on your college studies and your current profession. You have delivered an adequate explanation as to how you ended up working in a particular field when your interests seem to lie in another. There is a connection that can be seen by the reviewer.

However, your reasons for your interest in studying in Korea is not strong enough. Merely being interested in their culture, food, and performers does not constitute a driving reason to move to a country to study a particular course. Since you are interested in languages, why don't you mention something about how you were interested in the program because it is a one of a kind scholarship that allows you to grow your interest in languages a year before you study the academic side related to your masters degree.

As for your 3 main motivations for studying in Korea, all you have to do is present the information in paragraph form rather than the bullet points presentation that you have now. That will require just a little adjustment to the presentation but the bullet points are pretty much set in paragraph form already.