Programming - "A researcher, coworker and friend" - Scholarship - Munich

Hello.

I am an undergraduate student wishing to pursue a Master Degree at the University of Munich. I have to prepare a motivation letter in order to convince the admission committee that I am worthy of receiving a scholarship. The desired letter must be "1-2 pages long and explain, among other things, why do I believe I should be awarded that amount of money". (quoted from the UoM website)

Here is my first version:

LETTER OF MOTIVATION
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With this letter I would like to introduce my application for a scholarship, offered by the University of Munich. I am a third year undergraduate student in the Department of Computer Science within the [Univ. Name]. I am expected to graduate in June 2011, with excellent academic results. I wish to continue my studies and pursue a Master degree, preferably in the field of Information Security and Cryptography, to which I plan fully dedicating. The University of Munich offers exciting opportunities in this direction and I believe there is a perfect match between my qualifications, my interests and the content of the Master in Computer Science at your university. Moreover, having the possibility to enhance my knowledge in an international environment, experience a tremendous cultural diversity and working side by side with the best professors and young researchers at your university, is as much as a challenge as it is a pride.

I consider myself an ideal candidate for the Master program and for a scholarship, due to my long-standing passion for Mathematics and Computer Science. I have begun programming when I was 10 years old. My education has always had an important scientific focus; my academic track and notable results stand proof of my motivation, as well as my ambition. I have attended the [Name of High-School], the highest rated science high-school in Switzerland. Here I started studying thoroughly the field of Computer Science and received advanced Math classes. I have participated in a wide array of Mathematics and Computer Science contests, earning several important national and international awards. My passion and perseverance brought me important achievements such as the Gold Medal in 2005 [at Intl. Contest 1], the Silver Medal in 2005 [at Intl. Contest 2] and, the most important, the Bronze Medal in 2007 [at Intl. Contest 3]. After finishing high-school, my education continued with Bachelor studies at the [Univ. Name]. Up until now, I have obtained a grade point average of 97.5% ranking in the top 2% of my peer students. Moreover, I have followed all courses regarding Information Security and Cryptography, available at my university. Also, I have been involved in a project financed by Google Inc., regarding the development of Android based applications, for Nexus One mobile phones.

Along with my academic assessments, my education is doubled by relevant experience in a well-known international company that activates in the field of Information Security. Since May 2010, I am a full time Software Developer in the Research and Development Department of [Comp. Name]. Here, I work among the best software developers in the country and I have been involved in two projects: [Proj. 1, 6 words description] and [Proj. 2, 6 words description]. I was privileged to be part of the team that took these two projects from the early stage of research ideas, up to usable products, now ready to launch on the IT market. The valuable knowledge gained in this environment helped me identify a challenging Bachelor Diploma Project that I'm currently pursuing, under the supervision of my mentor, Prof. Dr. [Prof. Name], the professor who introduced me to Information Security and Cryptography at the [Univ. Name].

Apart from my education and work experience, I believe I can further contribute to the social environment of the University of Munich, as I very much appreciate social activities and interacting with people. I have regularly organized various events at my university as the elected Students' Representative in the Faculty Council Board, and the Vice-president of the Students' Association. At the same time, I enjoy music and in my leisure time I play the piano and the guitar.

In the end, I would like to point out that diligence, motivation, passion and sincerity, along with the aforementioned accomplishments are my commitment of becoming a reputable researcher, a respected coworker and a better friend. Without doubt, a scholarship is a gift granted to only the worthiest students. If awarded, I will not only be able to fulfill my own aspirations, but this will literally be the gift that keeps on giving, because I want give it back, through my work.

[Date] Yours faithfully,

Hello guys,

I really need an opinion, because the deadline is Tuesday morning.

Thank you.

Your 1st, 2nd land and Last paragraphs are very good.

I think, some u could add.
1. How have you informed about this University and This scholarship?
2. Any of your previous scholarship that motivated you.

I did not get a clear thesis statement from the first paragraph. Did you have a main point that you wanted to communicate? I would put it upfront and at the closing sentence. Likewise, your second and third paragraph could be more succinct (highlighting your academic achievements and work experience.) I would combine your extracurricular fourth paragraph with a strong closing paragraph reiterating why you are worthy of this scholarship. Although I liked your last sentence, it was clouded by all the preceding self-laudatory adjectives.

Here's an example to demonstrate how you can say more with less (words/adjectives/qualifiers/opinions.)

Thank you all for your comments.

I have cut off some boring sentences and reduced the abundance of adjectives/attributes.
I also believe I have made some progress with the ending:

The environment in which I grew stimulated my desire to excel in every activity. Achievements encouraged me, unfulfillments motivated me, and no matter if it was a contest, a course at the university or a task at my workplace, I have always tried to give the best of me. This is my commitment of becoming a successful researcher, a respected coworker and a well-developed person. Undoubtedly, the Excellence Scholarship is a gift granted to only the worthiest students. If awarded, I will not only be able to fulfill my own aspirations, but this will literally be the gift that keeps on giving, because I want to give something back, through my work.

What do you think?

Thanks.

MUCH better - the YOU as a vibrant individual comes out strongly in this last paragraph (big applause!!) Your second sentence is very powerful! Go for it - and good luck!!

Many thanks for your remarks and encouragements! Best wishes, man!