"to pursue my career in Multimedia" - need to write scholarship essay

Sesa 1 / 1

Mar 4, 2011 #1

Share why you want to attend college and what your personal and career goals are. (150-300 words - Note: Please adhere closely to the word count minimum and maximums - your ability to follow instructions will be reflected in your application evaluation!)

I am not a good writer but so far i have writen the following eassay need help:

I have done Bachelor in Food Science & Quality Control & Post Graduation Diploma in Sports Science & Nutrition from India. After coming to US I had a change of mind to pursue my career in Multimedia. So I started researching it in various Colleges & University. At that time I realized that I am just beginning to explore a whole new world of knowledge. My first class was Multimedia I with professor Caroline Testard. Being successful in my very first class at Ohlone college (with the help of Professor Caroline), has given me the necessary confidence to continue and carry on through my new career opportunity. Now my educational goal is to major in Multimedia. I wish to do so because my professional goal is to do freelancing work.

delilahcdeleon1 4 / 9

Mar 4, 2011 #2

Having studied in India, I am aware that education is imperative to economic success.(the first sentence was difficult to understand and didn't say what the essay was about) After moving to the US I decided to pursue a career in Multimedia; therefore, I started researching programs in various Colleges & Universities.( I changed it a little) It was then that I realized I am just beginning to explore a whole new world of knowledge. Being successful in my first class, Multimedia I, has given me the confidence to continue with my new career opportunity.(you may want to say why you chose multimedia) My educational goal to major in Multimedia will enable me to fulfill my professional goal of doing freelancing work(this to sounds vague, you could give an example).

This doesn't really say why you want to attend college and is not personal enough. I hope this helps a little

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053

Mar 10, 2011 #3

Being successful in my very first class at Ohlone college (with the help of Professor Caroline), has given me the necessary confidence to continue and carry on through my new career opportunity.

I'd say you are a pretty good writer. Just look at this sentence!

Make sure the essay BEGINS with a great sentence like that. Use action verbs and imagery words. (Google those terms)

The best thing is to tell the reader about your PLAN. Inspire the reader by discussing your short term goals and self-imposed deadlines. Work hard at it!