If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why?
The prompt I was given was: If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why?
I wrote a (sort of) second essay that was less focused on a specific example of discrimination and more focused on my personal experience with prejudice. The second one, which I'll put below, isn't as well written in my opinion, and would take a bit more revision if I decide to use it. I am just not sure which direction to take it in, as I know that the prompt is to talk about my community, but I also know that the main goal of this application is for them to get to know me. I have also written another essay that is entirely about my background and how it has affected me, so in a way, I would like to keep this additional essay less self centered.
I have lived in ---, Alabama my whole life. ----- is the type of place that grandparents like to ramble about, preaching things like "Ooh, what I would've given to live in a place like that" ,"Do you even know how nice of an education you're gettin'?" and most commonly, "Well I sure would hope it's nice considering all the ----- tax dollars I'm payin' for it!" However, if you were to ask students from surrounding schools how they felt about ------, you'd probably hear something along the lines of "Ugh. It's full of snobby, rich white kids that think they're better than everyone", and to put it simply, they're not entirely wrong.
As a nonreligious, low-income, vegetarian female, I haven't had the easiest time being accepted in my school system. In middle school, I was very much considered a black sheep. The idea of someone not being a Christian, yet still being a good kid was a completely foreign concept to most of my peers. Even if they were brave enough, children who dared to be friends with me were usually not aloud to be. As I matured, I only grew closer and closer to the "dirty hippie" archetype that my fellow students so desperately wanted me to fill: opinionated, vegetarian, outspoken, and, for lack of a better word, poor. While I doubt that these adjectives are seen as inherently negative by nearly any open-minded person, the citizens of ----- could not be further from open-minded. There's an overwhelming pressure of conformity and uniformity in our community, and I often wonder if perhaps "-----" was just a grand misspelling of "Stepford".
This prejudice is not something that particularly bothers me, as I am far too comfortable with the person I am to be concerned with other people's arbitrary opinions about me; however, I can't help but worry for the people who do not have that strength.
It's not fair that some young people raised in my town will grow up viewing themselves as less important than others when it is simply not true. One person cannot inherently have more value than another, especially not based off of something as superficial as income levels or skin color. This discriminatory culture has inflicted long lasting damages on not only the communities of the oppressed, but also our community as a whole.
I do not in any way neglect the privilege that I'm awarded by being able to live in ------. I get to go to a school where I have access to nearly every type of computer I could possibly think of. Most of my teachers are not only well educated, but also just generally caring and compassionate people. Outside of school, I live in a place where homeless people are an anomaly, and I have access to thousands of stores and restaurants all within 20 minutes of my home. And ultimately, I think that -----s issue with prejudice comes down to these privileges not being recognized.
I wonder what the additional prompt you are answering is all about? Is it about the background story that is so essential to tell in order to completely picture you as a person? Well, I can tell you that if that is the prompt you are aiming to answer, then you have accomplished just that. At least that is my opinion of it. There are some aspects of the essay that can use a little bit more improvement or representation though.
If I were the reviewer, I would like to have heard more about how a non-religious, vegetarian female manages to survive in this kind of community. What kind of struggles did you face because of your unique personality? It is nice to read about how the racial divide is handled in the town but I believe that in these types of essays, you need to concentrate and focus more on your personality in relation to your background.
Maybe it would be good if you consider using your currently third and fourth paragraph as your first and second instead. Then you can just integrate mentions of your currently first two paragraphs into your succeeding statements. This would show an integrated background of yourself and the community you live in. Further portraying why your background is so important to the person you have become.
Your unique background is as timely as today's headlines (as they say), so you already catch your reviewers attention just by mentioning the name of your town. All that is left to make the essay center on you instead of the equal rights struggle in your community. That, is a discussion that will be covered (but should not be the center of the essay) as you tell your story. I hope you consider my comments seriously as you continue to draft your essay.
- ...were usually not aloudallowed ( mind your spelling and the words you use ) to be.
- As I maturedtime passed ,
- ...especially not based
- ...off ofon something as superficial...
- ...but also our community as a whole.
Well, this is pretty much what I can think of, though it is not your own community, I feel grateful that you think of some other people.
This essay already met what is asked of the prompt and though I still see spelling mistake, I believe your essay is good to go and you will be able to write something better in the future.
Ayla, I agree that you should keep this particular essay less self-centered because of the way the prompt was set up. So here is what I think you should do. Find some other problem within your community, unrelated to you, your beliefs, your character traits, that you believe needs to be addressed. In other words, find something you have a strong opinion about, but be distanced enough from the issue that the essay stops being about you and the way the town treated you.
For example, you can address the issue of the school system, the town economy, teen jobs, etc. Something that directly relates to the everyday life of your community that you feel is being mishandled or not being addressed by the town powers that be. Then you can discuss your opinion on the matter and, this is one of the important aspects of the essay, even though it is not mentioned, give a summary of what you would do to change or remove the problem.
Sometimes, you need to go a little over what the essay prompt is asking for. If they ask you for a problem and why you think it is a problem, don't you think that your possible solution is also necessary in the essay? No matter how brief your solution explanation may be, it will show the reviewer that you feel quite strongly about the issue since you even came up with some sort of solution to the problem. That will show conviction and determination on your part. Which is something that can only benefit your application. By discussing the community problem, you give the reviewer an insight into the kind of member of the campus community you will potentially become. So you show the reviewer something personal about you from a different and very important angle.
If you do decide to use this prompt, I hope you consider my suggestions for responding to it. Don't be personal. Instead, be community centered and civic minded :-)