Seeking to connect with mind-like leaders through Chevening

Hey, guys! Here is my essay draft on the second question for the Chevening scholarship. Feedbacks, correction and comments are highly appreciated!

Thanks in advance :)

2. Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.

(minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

I am eager to be part of the Chevening international family

During my three years of attaining my undergraduate degree, I was very fortunate to be given the opportunity to live in two different countries and expand my networking connections as I used to be an international student representative and actively participated in volunteering activities.

At the beginning of my career, I would use my networking skills to engage potential employers, clients and colleagues to look for job opportunities or projects. One of my earliest event projects where I displayed my networking skills was when I became the event coordinator for a seminar for the Cities of Love Franchise. I was given this great opportunity when I worked part-time as a waitress and my client learned in one of our conversation that I majored in event management. Later, I was introduced to [NAME] , he is the founder and producer of some popular movies such as, New York, I Love You!

Additionally, my networking skill has aid me to create an interactive and engaging lesson for the students. Several weeks ago, with the help of one of my supervisors at [NAME], the students got the chance to listen and ask questions on how does it feels to work as a pastry chef. They were taken on a video tour around the kitchen, shown the uniform and learned how to pick fresh fruit.

Moreover, I strongly believe that possessing strong networking skill will not only have affected my career progression but also contribute to my self-growth as an individual and a leader. I'm a reserved person who used to struggle with public speaking and conveying my thoughts and opinions to an open group. Nonetheless, through various opportunities and each communication that I was involved in, I was able to practice, show and improve my networking skills. I now feel more confident and comfortable in communicating with my team members and the public, thus, overcoming my personal struggle. Meanwhile, as a leader and educator, I see the importance of building a close relationship with my fellow workers, which we can share our expertise and insights to create a conducive learning environment for our students.

I am eager to be part of the Chevening international family, where I will have the privilege to connect with mind-like leaders who also, passionate in growing their networking connections, especially in education. I believe that through Chevening's events and volunteering programs, I will have the opportunity to collaborate, exchange and learn with/from some of the best early childhood education experts either, from the UK or anywhere in the world. In the future, I plan to apply my experience as a Chevening Awardee and fellow educators to conduct seminars and workshops for Indonesian educators or aspiring educators so, they can connect and learn from foreign scholars and experts on seeking sustainable solutions for education improvement and raising the awareness of the critical role of an early education for young children in growing countries like, Indonesia.

Hi
at the first some corrections:
1- third paragraph:
... questions on how does it feels to work as ...
2- last paragraph:
aspiring educators so, they can so is a little confusing for me i could not understand
3- Chevening Awardee ???
overall start of first paragraph is not interesting because you started it with start of an example of your past experience without any opening
if you start with an opening or hook it will be more interesting.
i could not understand more about your profession, if you state it more clearly your essay will be stronger.

Jennifer, you must strengthen a few of your networking claims in the essay as the reference you made to them are of vital importance to your Chevening application. In the first paragraph, you indicated that you began building your network when you were an international student studying overseas. Provide evidence of the existence of that network at present and how it has helped you advance your career or other aspects related to your profession.

Now, I am unclear as to how you used your networking skills when you tried to gain employment. Can you be more specific about that part? Perhaps relate it to the international network you were bragging about earlier in the essay? You also need to provide stronger evidence of the networking skills related to your becoming an event coordinator and its relevance to the introduction made to the producer. After meeting the producer, how did that enhance your professional network?

Paragraphs 3 and 4 are irrelevant. You would have made a better impact by just building on the two networking references in the earlier part of the essay. The rest of what you wrote is not really relevant to proving the existence of your networking skills. It would be better if you could also explain how your current and future networks, developed during your time as a Chevening scholar will help the members of the scholarship program both past, present, and future.