Hello everyone! It's my first draft of a personal statement for GKS-G. I plan to write a personal statement regularly. I need your advice and criticism for my improvement. I will apply for a master's in Social Welfare major.
I hope to find out what I've missed in my personal statement. Thank you for setting aside time to read my personal statement and give me your constructive advice
I hope it fits the 2 pages max requirement..
PERSONAL STATEMENT
When I told my mother about my plan to pursue a master's degree, her response was, "When will you get married then?". Other women who had the same dream probably encountered the same situation. But I won't blame my mother because of that, and I know how her generation, background, and values differ from mine. My mother was born and grew up in a small homogeneous village in xxx, while I was born and grew up in a small heterogeneous city in xxx. The environment shapes my mother and me differently; that's why I understand that my mother preferred me to get married than pursue a master's degree.
I took cognizance of the importance of pursuing a graduate program. If I enter the graduate program, I'll increase my opportunity to develop good habits. As a result, it will enable me to accomplish big things not only for me but also for my family and my surrounding. Henceforward, I'll change my mother's mind. I've encountered a lot of "small acts of resistance" in my life. And I'll challenge myself to do another small act to pursue a master's degree.
One of the stories about a "small act of resistance" that changed my world of view is when I met people from the disabled community. I met them because of research for my undergraduate thesis. They break the stereotype about persons with disabilities. They won't just take it for granted because of their condition. They gathered together so they could mobilize their power.
Considering a change is too much burden to handle by a person, yet one whole community can share the burden. So a change can be more likely to happen. My thesis describes how social capital can be used for them to sustain the community. The same value and interest they had could be fuel to start a new movement based on their authentic experiences. Then they can change local policy and public service so it will accommodate their needs and personal experience. Their actions remind me that they didn't just wait for the government's benevolence.
The community's actions are described as a bottom-up approach. I learned this in the social development course. I didn't expect to encounter this kind of movement in real life. This approach could be one alternative solution to solve social problems in society. Indonesia is a vast and diverse country. Not just in terms of geographic size but also in terms of culture. That's why civil society's communities should reinforce the top-down approach with changes from below. Because of that, the community could be a medium to bridge to larger social institutions.
I'm active in a community myself. It's neither a social location-based community nor a need-based community. But a value and interest-based community. One community that constructs my way of thinking is xxx. People from this community collide with me and influence my intellectual habits. I've read more books because the seniors used to ask how many books I had read. In addition, I had a chance to meet new people from different backgrounds but have the same identity as a member of xxx. It's remarkable how easily we connected, although that was our first meeting. Therefore I understand more about the importance of community.
Under this value, I decide my future path. What I want to do with my life, why it is meaningful, and how I can benefit others. Even though I am still in the process of understanding myself, I decided that I want to be a social researcher! I always enjoy myself when I drown in social theories, meet with strangers, explore their personal experiences, or sometimes get lost. But I am repeatedly stunned because I feel my sight broadened whenever I meet a stranger or learn about a new social theory. Furthermore, this feeling intrigues me to continue higher education so I can do more research about another community.
I also reflected on my past journey during my undergraduate program. I've been active in the student association and university club for almost three years; mostly, I had responsibility for scientific research and reasoning. I also spent one year assisting my professor in conducting academic projects with two governments. In addition, I have almost six years of work experience as a field surveyor. I've traveled to several cities and met people from various backgrounds because of this work. Despite all the contemplation, I keep questioning how my past journey can influence my future.
During the period of my self-questioning, I listened to a podcast that mentioned the New Village Movement in South Korea. The movement was just like a missing puzzle for my question. Likewise, my choice of South Korea is down to my profound attraction to the curriculum of Social Welfare Science. Most Master's degrees in Social Welfare Studies in South Korea have courses about Community Social Welfare. Looking back, South Korea has a historical experience regarding community movement. It will help me to study and explore issues that I am passionate about. As a result, I believe learning at the Department of Social Welfare at xxx would be ideal.
My reason for choosing xxx University is also down to a few justifications. To begin with, the xxx University's curriculum can help me learn more about the subject I want to study. In addition, two professors have expertise in community social welfare at xxx University, namely Professor xxx and Professor xxx. Owing to these reasons, studying at the xxx University will allow me to possess a degree in community social welfare that will contribute to a journey of community empowerment.
Overall, I firmly believe that upon completing the Master's program at xxx University, I'll get the chance to improve and contribute to the society where I live. I believe that I can make my new "small acts of resistance" with all my qualities and capacities. Even though my family thinks marriage is the only way to a happy ending for a woman. I will choose my happy ending to earn a master's degree in South Korea. I am a student who won't give a second thought to missing an opportunity to change my life narrative or stand still with the status quo. I know that one day I will not let my big family restrain the steps of other women in this family. And who knows, maybe one day, my little sister can also pursue a doctoral degree.
Thank you for your time and advice!!Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Please do not write a personal statement regularly for the same prompt and post it here for a review. We have a one free review policy per prompt and any further versions of the same prompt will result in the merging of the new versions with the original. You will need to make the succeeding versions URGENT to receive further reviews from me as the Educational Consultant. As you have been previously suspended for violating the multiple identity rule of the forum, doing so will result in a permanent suspension that pleading for a last chance will not help since this reinstatement of your account is your last chance.
The fact that you blacked out important aspects of this essay, and will continue to do so in future versions makes the content unreviewable in terms of information relevance and essay inclusion. This is the main reason why essays with erased information do not receive content reviews from me at this forum. An essay with lacking information has incomplete content which hinders a proper review. However, I can tell you this, even with deleted information, you do not have enough applicable content to cover 2 pages.
As Holt said above, you have no apparent motive. For a person who already has an academic background, there are no congruent experiences and there is no challenging process. For analysts, you will be just one more of the people to be discarded.
Please rewrite.
