DAR scholarship essay setting forth his/her career objectives.
the essay is below and i wanted some feedback on whether i answered the question correctly and if i need to change anything. thank you.
I have a very strong interest in becoming a pediatrician because I love children and hospitals. As a child I remember going to the hospital for my yearly checkups and loving all the smells, sights and sounds. I loved being in my pediatrician's office messing with all the equipment and even playing with her stethoscope. After seeing how happy she looked dealing with all her patients, I knew that this was the career I wanted to be in...
Well, can you tell me exactly what the question was? I have made some suggestions below. Is this scholarship only for pediatricians? Your essay was pretty good, but seemed too general, with a lot of information that I'm sure the readers will already know. I would like more personal information about why you in particular deserve this scholarship. Also, overall your essay seemed a little unorganized. I can't really see your main point you want to drive home.
I have a very strong interest in becoming a pediatrician because I love children and hospitals. As a child[,] I remember going to the hospital for my yearly checkups and loving all the smells, sights and sounds. I loved being in my pediatrician's office messing with all the equipment and even playing with her stethoscope. After seeing how happy she looked dealing with all her patients, I knew that this was the career I wanted to be in. Also, my friends are always calling me the "Mom" of the group. This lets me know that they look up to me for advice and consider me a nurturing person. Knowing that my friends look up to me this way, is a constant reminder for me to go into the medical field and help as many people as possible.
As a high school senior I currently volunteer at my local hospital ,Cleveland Clinic, and take math and sciences[science] courses, for example, calculus and physics. As a volunteer at Cleveland Clinic Hospital, I get to work with children one day out of the week {"one day each week"
seems better in this context} and help file patient records another day out of the week. Being able to see the kids smile and know[ing] that patient records are safe and secure gives me the joy of knowing I'm helping change people's lives already. Also, the courses that I'm currently taking in high school are giving me a head start on what I have to look forward to going into college.
Life will be awesome {"awesome" is so overused - try to use something more specific - maybe "fulfilling"} for me once I achieve this career because I'll be doing what I love. I will get to work with children and help them to maintain a happy healthy li[ves]. I will also have to determine their symptoms and refer them to surgery if necessary. Also, a large part of a pediatrician's job is to educate parents about their children's health and to help them deal with their child's illness. Plus, I'll constantly being doing science research on coming up with new ideas and techniques to help save a child's life in the future. Along with tending to my patients, I will also have to attend conferences, monthly pediatric meetings, and staff meetings. {this paragraph seemed pretty weak - the "have to" makes it sound like this is a requirement, maybe not something you look forward to. Plus, I am sure the readers of your essay know already know what the job requirements of a pediatrician are}
If I do not end up attaining my first choice career as a pediatrician, I have two other careers that I think I would be happy in. The first one is a family practitioner. A family practitioner deals with everyone in the family from toddlers, children, teens, to adults and elders. If that career doesn't work out, my last resort will be a physician's assistant. A physician assistant basically does everything a pediatrician does except they'll be more behind the scenes[,] unless the pediatrician is unavailable. As long as I'm in the medical field helping people, I will be happy. {your last sentence is good, but I am not sure why you included the rest of this paragraph}
I will maintain the focus and tenacity necessary to achieve my career goal by studying and constantly reminding myself that all my hard work will pay off in the end. Also, when times get hard I'll remind myself that helping children to live a happy life is important and the one thing that I love to do. {this sounds odd, as if this is the only thing you love in life - surely that is an exaggeration?} I am a very determined person and once I set a goal for myself, I don't stop until I reach it. Another thing {try to avoid using "thing" - it is better to be more specific - maybe "aspect"} is that,{no comma} the benefits from being a doctor will help me stay focused. For example, I [will] get to help children all day and make a difference in that child's life. Additionally, I'll remind myself {this "I'll remind myself" sounds a bit odd here} that I want a big family one day and I want each and every one of my kids to be the happiest and healthiest kids there are. If awarded this DAR scholarship, I will be given the opportunity to achieve my goal and start making a difference in a child's life.
thank you for the feed back and the question was write a essay 1,000 words or less setting forth his/her career/objectives
oh and the scholarship is for people who want to go into the medical field. I just wanted to know if I was on topic or if I needed to make any changes.
