I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship

hi! I'm a Vietnamese students and I'm going to require a scholarship. Please help me to condense my sentences and check my spelling. Thanks a lot.

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Question: why are you a good candidate to receive this award? (maximum 600 words)

The bus bounced along the rutted road as I bent over my books, finshing my homework after spending the evening helping children at Hoa Binh children's village. It was late and I felt tired, but happy. I had a joyful day with them. My high school held many parties for the children in Mid-autumn , the international children's holiday, and on many other occasions as well; and each time I volunteered, I discovered something new and exciting. Children here are very polite and loveable. Whenever I delivered them candies or presents, they always said thanks. Seeing them quickly opening the gifts and smiling brilliantly, I felt all my tiredness left behind.I am now also a member of an International Voluntary Organization which exchanges volunteers between 120 countries worldwide.

During three years in secondary and high school, I worked tirelessly in many leadership roles. Throughout my tenure, I worked hard to make beneficial changes in both school and society, driven by my desire to meet my own high expectations - and my academic performance improved as well. The most important thing when I accomplished my assignment was that I wished to dedicate my entire life for the benefit of community as a leading role.

While in 11th grade, I attended a dance-sport club and explored my other passion. My teacher said that I had an aptitude for dancing. Not only did I learn, but I also offered to work in the collaborator's position. After only a month of being a member, I managed a group running the club's forum. Sometimes I helped them understand each other and come closer. This developed my interpersonal and problem solving skills.

To pursue my dream of matriculating from a reputable university in Vietnam, I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years. When I was invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I decided to explore an international university . It was the milestone that changed my whole life. Only months before my entrance exam, I decided to apply for a scholarship at RMIT Vietnam. I had to complete both, work at school and study English by myself. Getting 6.0 IELTs in only four months of assiduous practice, I was very pleased with this result. I strongly believe that I have the ability of studying with a high level of determination and energy.

However, my parents cannot help me with my educational expenses. Only a scholarship will allow me to continue at the International University. I have always enjoyed being a leader and wish to pursue a career in leadership. I have learned that leadership means teamwork, patience as well as the ability to take calculated risks. I do hope to continue learning about leadership through my school years. This scholarship will allow me focus on a career that no other university in Vietnam can do.

I am determined both, to better myself and to contribute to improving society as a whole. If awarded this scholarship, I will continue in this same manner, commiting myself to studying hard as a student, and furthering the causes at RMIT Vietnam.

Thank you very much for considering my application.

First, lead with your strengths rather than with your weakness.

Next, go through and do whatever you can to fix up the grammar. Let me suggest one issue on which to work, and perhaps other forum members can suggest specific corrections. I notice that your verbs go back and forth between present tense and past tense almost at random. Look at each sentence in turn, asking yourself whether you are talking about the past (what you did before), the present (who you are now, what is true now), or the future (what you hope will happen). Then make sure you have chosen the appropriate verb form.

I know my grammar is terrible and it's a serious mistake. I've already fixed it, thanks in advance. But do you think my essay too... boring? I mean is it so mechanical, unremarkable and uncompetitive? By the way, my essay is too long (about 700 words), how can I abridged it? Help me plzzz.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to apply.

i m looking some one to help me in writing essay...i m appling for scholership n admission at a college

they gave me 4 topics...i can do it but it wont be more impressive..as my english isnt gud enough..

let me share the topics.

1- what motiveate your interest to pursue post-secondary education?

2- Explain the cirumstances tht affact ur academic performance in high school.

3- describe your academic intentions and what your career goals are.

4- based on what you know about educational opportunity program, how do you think the program will benefit you?

Since childhood my dream was to matriculate [from] a reputable university in Vietnam and at that time, an university which is in group A is very valuable . So [for the past twelve] years I have learned [studied] hard, especially maths and physics, in order to pursue my dream. But Once, when I was free and invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I thought [to myself] : " let come [me go] and find out how an international university works, I'll lose nothing to [by] doing this". Then I known [discovered] that I was right; it was the milestone that have changed decision and my whole [life. ]path!. A few months [Only 4 months] before my most important enchange exam which is considered a great deal of life; actually only 4 months, I decided to apply for scholarship of [at] RMIT Vietnam. I have had to complete both, work at school and studying English by myself at home at the same time as well . Getting 6.0 IELTs in 4 months practise [of] assiduous [practice], I [was] totally [very]pleased, although it does not satisfy your [the] base point. From my result, I strongly believe that I own [have the] ability of studying with a high level [of] determination and energy.

1. _ ur future: career, life,...
_ parents: they've worked hard to bringup u so u have to repay
...
4.
_ reduce the number of hours that u work part time jobs, which would u allow more time to concentrate on studies. (time)
_ parents provide u with room and board, but because u have younger brothers and sisters, they cannot help with educational expenses. The money I earn at part-time is barely enough to cover books and supplies. A scholarship would help a great deal. (money)

....

Sorry. Can I ask you a question? Do you think I should add some ideas to my essay such as: my academic performances in high school or if they award this scholarship for me, what will I do for their university?

Yes, it's always a good idea to mention such things, if only briefly. I'd also like to see you expand your account of your volunteer activities, perhaps by telling a story.

Explaining what you will do for their university is vital, as it answers the essay question in terms that are very important to your intended audience. Don't forget to post your revised version here for further feedback.

I have a lot of works to do this time so I can't post my revised version soon; sorry.
1. How can I expand the account of my volunteer activities while my essay is over 620 words? (I counted because it's important to me :)
2. If I put some ideas about what will I do for their university, which word or part I have to reduce ?
I wrote a paragraph about that idea, pls help me to put it in the essay and curtain all the essay, okei?
"I have devoted my life both to working to better myself and to improving society as a whole. If I am awarded this scholarship, I will continue in this same manner of being a student at RMIT Vietnam. I commit my life to studying hardly and to developing movements at your university."

Once you've said everything you want to include, we can work on cutting it down. Your sentences tend to have extra words and you sometimes repeat yourself, so I expect we can get it down to the limit without sacrificing content.

For instance:

Before (78 words):

Since childhood, my dream was to matriculate a reputable university in Vietnam and at that time, an university which is in group A is very valuable. So in 12 years, I have learned hard, especially maths and physics, in order to pursue my dream. But once, when I was free and invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I thought that: " let's come and find out how an international university work, I'll lose nothing to do this".

After (50 words):

Since childhood, I have always dreamt of matriculating from a reputable university in Vietnam For 12 years, I pursued my dream by studying intensively, especially maths and physics. But when I was invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I decided to explore the workings of an international university work.

Notice that this revision of the first three sentences of your essay has reduced the original word count for this section by over a third. You can do something similar for the rest of your essay to make room for your new points. In fact, you would want to revise for conciseness like this even if you weren't planning on adding anything new.

pls check it for me.

Since childhood, I have always dreamt of matriculating from a reputable university in Vietnam. For 12 years, I pursued my dream by studying intensively, especially maths and physics. But when I was invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I decided to explore the workings of an international university work. Then I discovered that it was the milestone changing my whole life. Only 4 months before my enchange exam , I decided to apply for scholarship at RMIT Vietnam. I have had to complete both, work at school and studying English by myself . Getting 6.0 IELTs in 4 months of assiduous practice, I was very pleased. From my result, I strongly believe that I have the ability of studying with a high level of determination and energy.

...

You have so many achievements and qualities that scholarship funds appreciate! But, somehow, they get lost in this essay.

I think the problem is your introduction, which starts with you dreaming of graduation. This is dull and common; every applicant for a scholarship has the same dream.

I say start with the image of you doing your homework on the bus while riding home late after doing volunteer work with children, feeling exhausted and excited at the same time.

Since childhood, I have always dreamed of matriculating from a reputable university in Vietnam. For 12 years I pursued my dream, by studying intensively, especially maths and physics. But When I was invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I decided to explore the workings of an international university work . Then I discovered that It was the milestone [that] changed my whole life. Only months before my entrancechange exam, I decided to apply for scholarship at RMIT Vietnam. I have had to complete both, work at school and study English by myself. Getting 6.0 IELTs in [four] months of assiduous practice, I was very pleased [with]. From my result. I strongly believe that I have the ability of studying with a high level of determination and energy.

During 3 years in high school, I worked tirelessly in many leadership roles . Throughout my tenure, I worked hard to make beneficial changes in both school and society, driven by my desire to meet my own high expectations; and so does [did] my academic performance[also improve].

While in 10th and 11th grade, I was a volunteer, helping set up school anniversaries with some of the students. I noticed that I love children and doing charities. When my school funds village-children in mid-autumn and on many other occasions, we hold parties and give the children presents. I felt very happy seeing them quickly open the gifts and smile brilliantly. In the end of the day, we are [were] loath to part with one another. During that joyful time, I always went home late, around 9.00 p.m., finishing my homework on the bus ride home.

In addition to taking part in extracurricular activities in 11th grade, I attended a dance-sport club and discovered my passion. My teacher said that I had aptitude for dancing. Not only did I learn, but I also offered to work in the collaborator's position. After [only] a month of being a member, I managed a group which had the function of running [the] club's forum. Sometimes I had to help them understand one another and come close. It is responsible for [This developed] my interpersonal and problem solving skills enhancement .

[Indeed,]to prepare for an IELTS test in four month is very [extremely] difficult. I am currently a member of a nonprofit organization named SEAMAP. It is [,] the most famous and qualified english club in Hanoi, contributing my speaking skill improvement in 2 months.

My parents think that an International university is reserved only for rich people . If I want to study at RMIT Vietnam, [and] they won't help me with my educational expenses. A scholarship will allow me to continue with [the] International University and give me a chance to prove to my parents that their thinking was wrong. Besides, I have always enjoyed being a leader and am wish to pursue a career in leadership. I have learned that leadership means teamwork, patience, as well as the ability to take calculated risks. I hope to continue learning about leadership through my school years, and this scholarship will allow me focus on a viable career that none of [the] Vietnam universities can do.

I [am determined]have devoted my life both, to working to better myself and to improving society as a whole. If I am awarded this scholarship, I will continue in this same manner of being [as] a student at RMIT Vietnam. I [will]commit my[self] life to studying hard and to developing [furthering] movements [the causes] at your university.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to apply.

english is not my mothertonge, so don't be mad at me if I ask too much or my essay has many mistakes,:( ok ?

You said that "started with the image of you doing your homework on the bus while riding home late after doing volunteer work with children, feeling exhausted and excited at the same time".

Did you mean: I'm very studious and dynamic... so you should award this scholarship for me or?

Of course we won't be mad if you ask questions! That's the whole point of this forum!

What I mean is that you should start with the story of you doing your homework while riding home on the bus. For example, you could say something like:

The bus bounced along the rutted road as I bent over my books, hurriedly doing my homework after spending the evening helping children at [name of place you volunteered]. I felt tired but happy.

Your essay at the moment is a list of of details about yourself that make you a good candidate for a scholarship. The problem is that lists aren't that interesting. Stories are. Simone's advice that you start with a personal anecdote is therefore very good. In fact, you might want to try revising the rest of your essay to see if you can make it more narrative. That is, use anecdotes liberally to show rather than to tell the reader your strong points. As you are doing this, remember to continue to use strong verbs and concise writing in your new sections, to ensure that your essay is as strong as possible.

Thank you for your idea. Here is my revised version. But I don't know how to start the first paragraph in old version come to the revised version. As I said, Vietnamese universities is very important (It's nearly the only way to success) and there is only one International university in Vietnam whose fee is extremely expensive (9 fold prepare with Vietnamese universities). Deciding to veer my life before entrance exam was a risk. Even my parents have not known about my plan. I don't have their agreement. I've learned English by myself because of no subsidy. And IELTS fee, I borrowed my uncle. In the first paragraph , I emphasized that point and I think they understand why .

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My secondary English teacher said that " even the word 'I' standed in the middle of the sentence, you still had to write it capital" . But I see many foreign people write it in small letter. So which way is right?

Thank you very much.

The personal pronoun "I" should always be capitalized. Many people, foreign or otherwise, don't bother when typing messages online, for the same reason they use terms like l8r and cya instead of spelling out the words and phrases correctly -- it is a time saving informality.

Your grammar needs work. Here are a couple of tips to get you started:

"Seeing them quickly opened the gifts and smiled brilliantly," "Seeing them" is currently the subject of the sentence, which means that the sentence makes no sense. Revise.

"My high school did holdheld many parties, including a mid-autumn festival, an international children's holiday, and in many other events for children, and each time I do volunteered , I discovered something new and exciting." Avoid using "did"s and "do"s that aren't necessary.

Hi Thaihanguyen,

I feel like asking you to do the same thing I suggested to Nishessh.

To achieve your present purpose, that is, get yourself accepted to this University and also hopefully recieve some scholarship, use the essay of yours I corrected last. When I read what the moderators sometimes suggest to you, it seems either completely unlikely that you will be able to correct it in that fashion, for this essay, or what they suggest takes away the original flavour of your writing. I tried to make corrections which I think are acceptable as current english, maybe sometimes grammatically a little off. Hey, but that makes it only more authentic-sounding then, doesn't it!

Thanks Rajiv (The first time when I saw your name, I thought it was an Indian name :).
You know, I have to look up dictionary sometimes because of your comment. I actually don't really understand your opinion. Why do I should use the essay that you corrected last? Simone's idea can't put into practice (I mean itn't suitable for a scholarship essay) or I am not fit for this idea (my vocab, grammar,intelligence)? Just ask :D

Thanks both of the moderator,too.

No actually Simone's idea is great and as you have later put it in your essay -- that sounds very good, so go with it.

You often have some awkward grammar constructions which I think just cannot be overcome by simply following instructions you recieve here. You'll have to keep writing for much longer. For your present purpose of securing admission and the scholarship, I suggest you get through this stage by taking a jump-start with the essay I corrected for you, add the first paragraph, get more inputs from that stage onwards, then submit it.

Your vocab is good enough, your intelligence obviously is, else you wouldn't follow through with this persistence -- and your grammar is likely to improve probably faster at this university you're trying to get admission into, so why not just do whatever, to get in !

I am an Indian, and a student in this forum. Take the moderators' word as the final one.

at Hoa Binh children's village.

Like many English learners, you are still struggling with verbs and prepositions:

My high school held many parties for the children in Mid-autumn, International children's holiday, and on many other occasions for children but each time I do volunteered , I discovered something new and exciting.

Spell out "three."

"Seeing them quickly opend the gifts and smiled brilliantly, all the tiredness of mine was left behind". "Seeing them" is currently the subject of the sentence, which means that the sentence makes no sense.

Well, firstly I don't know why but now I understand. Two clauses don't have the same subject, right?
Here is my revised version.Please help me make it more anecdotically and naturally. Thank you "extremely" much :)
...

The bus bounced along the rutted road as I bent over my books, finishing my homework after spending the evening helping children at Hoa Binh children's village. It was late [and] I felt tired but happy. I had [had] a joyful day with them. My high school held many parties for the children in mid-Autumn, the International Children's holiday, and on many other occasions. Each time I volunteered, I discovered something new and exciting. Children here were very polite and loveable.

...

I apologize for what I said above about the corrections suggested by the moderators sometimes taking away the flavour of the writing. I wanted instead to say, that being a foreigner, I perhaps get a better sense of what the person wishes to convey, which the moderators may not at times.

No need to apologize! The whole point of a forum is that different users -- and indeed different moderators -- see and suggest different things.

Although it feels like something we do alone, writing is essentially a collective endeavor. We write to communicate with others. The words and grammars we use are all social constructs -- rules made up by groups of people -- created in order to facilitate the process of communication.

When I teach writing, I always insist that my students get feedback from at least two people and suggest that they deliberately choose two very different people, just to try to get the diversity of viewpoints and expertise that naturally happens here.

Not only that, but you made a very good point, I thought. We get a very wide range of students posting essays here, from ESL students in middle school to native speakers writing at a university level. This means that the quality of writing we see spans many different levels. The advice we give is usually, at least in my case, advice meant to get the writing up to the target level. In other words, if I am commenting on a university application essay, I give advice meant to help the author get the writing up to the level necessary to function as a successful university application essay. However, there will inevitably be some cases where the difference between the student's current level of writing skill and the target level of writing skill is too great for the student to be able to overcome the gap in a single bound. In such cases, students will have to interpret the advice they get as best they can, but may not be able to fully take advantage of it until they have written dozens of other essays, and so by gradual steps improved to the point where they can reach their goals for a given essay in a handful of revisions.

...
Here is my last version :). 600 words exactly and It's perfect to me. Thank you in advance.

You know, I cannot imagine that Simone is a teacher. Before talking to someone, I always try to guess their jobs. I thought Simone,Sean and Rajiv are the outstanding and enthusiasm students in Bristish or Australia. In Vietnam, teachers even don't know how to chat.

Do you mind if I want to know where you come from? I'm going to have a workcamp and I can choose any countries. Maybe (just maybe:) I can come and give you some local specialities to show my deep gratitude :). Besides, whenever you enjoy visiting my beautiful country, you'll get a guide and homestay. Vietnamese is very hospitalable. You are all welcomed. Thanks again.

Seeing them quickly opening the gifts and smiling brilliantly


I'll take that as a compliment. I'm based in the United States. In addition to teaching, I've done a lot of NGO work nationally and internationally. I've not been to Vietnam but have had extensive online collaborations with an NGO there. I do hope to visit someday.

I'm based in Canada, so your guess about nationalities wasn't too far off. The main issue you have with your latest draft of your essay is that you jump around a bit too much. You discover your passion for dancing, study maths and physics, then decide you want to do something in leadership. There is no real unifying thread that connects these disparate interests. Perhaps you could rework your essay so that some connection emerged. I can see tying math and physics to leadership fairly easily. Not sure what you will be able to do with the dancing, though.

I like the inclusion of the dancing. It shows that you are a well-rounded individual with varied interests.

Firstly, thank you all.

Secondly, Maths and Physics is not my passion, I studied it because of my dream.In my country, there are many group in high school:

+Group A: Maths, Physics, Chemistry (preparing for economic or finacial university)
+Group B: Maths,Chemistry,Biology(preparing for medical universities,...)
+Group C: Literature, History, Geography
+group D: Maths, Literature, English (preparing for teachers or press universities,...)
etc
If you choose one group, you will focus on 3 subjects on that group for three years (10th,11th,12th grade). And when you have the entrance exam which is extremely difficult, you only examine 3 subjects. Many students choose group A because of its reputation and universities' choice. Normally, students in group A bad at English and students in group D bad at Maths. I have studied in group A for 3 years and as I said, deciding to veer my life 4 monhts before the entrance exam is very risk. Actually I don't know why I hate chemistry so much.

Thirdly, I love dancesport. Only in the evening do I dance. So If I want to do somthing in leadership, I will have all day to do it. The fact that I was a monitor in 5 years in my class and in the evening, I still carry out my passion. I think it's very united.

Finally, Thank you again.

Okay, so you want to move into a leadership role. Your dance activity shows this because you took on a management role in the dance club. That's a clear connection, but not one you play up, because of the interposition of the section on math and physics between your mention of the two. Also, "leadership" is a bit vague. What sort of leader do you want to become -- a political one, a business one, a charitable one, etc. So, you might define what sort of leadership role you want to play more clearly, then make some mention of that role in your introduction, subordinating all of your other points to it.

Actually, I was a monitor in both secondary and high school but I made some corrections to my essay. Thanks for your advice. Do you think I need more modification?

This morning, I introduced Sean, Simone and Rajiv to my teacher. She asked me what was the benefit of Internet. I said without thinking: I could make friends from other countries then I told her and my friends about you and your help. I really appreciate your suggestions.

Ah Rajiv, I love Aishwarya Rai very much because of her talent and beauty.
Thank you all very much.

Throughout my tenure, I worked hard to make beneficial changes in both school and society.D riven by my desire to meet my own high expectations, I improvedand my academic performance improved as well. The most important thing when I accomplished any assignment was that I wished to dedicate my entire life for the benefit of community as a leading role .

"This scholarship will allow me focus on a career that no other university in Vietnam can do." Um, I don't think universities have careers. I think you mean to say "This scholarship will allow me focus on a career in a way that is only possible at RMIT Vietnam."