Stuned scholarship: review (academic reflection)

Dear all,
kindly need your review regarding my essay.
should be addressed the following points:
•The reason why you apply for the chosen program
•Your professional goals and how you intend to apply your study to Indonesian development
•And, in general, what makes you the best candidate for this scholarship

My Academic Reflection

Indonesia as the world largest archipelago promises the greatest opportunities in healthcare industries. Aligned with Indonesia's development goal by 2020, estimated 260 million Indonesians will be covered by BPJS Kesehatan,that will lead this business expected to grow close to 14% by 2019 and generate new demand of healthcare technology innovation including skilled manpower to provide affordable health services. Whereas current condition, high qualified health workers density over 100,000 population and number of healthcare organizations with JCI-accredited entities are still under minimum target. If poor quality of facilities and services still remain, people more likely tend to seek for medical services abroad or there will be many people unable to get intens health service treatment though in their own country. Thus Indonesia gets huge risk of losing money for healthcare investment

Taking master in Management, Policy Analysis and Entrepreneurship in Health & Life Sciences from Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam (VUA) enables me to face the future challenge to become healthcare business leader that would see this sector as a growing industry could help to improve Indonesia's public health level. This journey would make me have a broader interdisciplinary view as well as encourage to gain comprehensive knowledge and analytical skills with a deep view of managerial, economic, sociological and environmental aspects with strong links to business, health, and other sciences. These are the fundamental issues desired for managing healthcare organizations as an important rules to run the business as well as to maximize perform delivering healthcare solution. Furthermore situated in the heart of Europe, VUA provides convenient access to seeking internships that will lead me to have a multicultural experience and knowledge to be adapt in developing Indonesia.

My academic performance is a reflection of a strong work ethic, motivation, and powerful desire to succeed. Graduated from Bogor Agricultural University (IPB) , the most prestigious institution in the field of Nutrition science , with cumulative GPA 3.55 and two scholarship from Pertamina Foundation and Indonesia Ministry of Education, proved my successful struggle and capability to overcome copious challenges both in academic and non academic as honoring 8% best student in class. Continue my career as an internee in Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) division in Adaro and also actively take part in observing Indonesian Government research project, Program Keluarga Harapan (PKH),could be a tremendous milestone after four-year tight competition in bachelor degree. I never forget when proudly stood as a champion since my international paper "Converting Mining Water to be Accessible drinking water for Tabalong " successfully granted prestigious "Green Apple Award 2014". Nowadays, im enjoying my career in Philips Health System Divission. Having ups and downs managing relation with both customer and government helped me have a better captured of Indonesia Healthcare sector that should be immediately reformed. Being Stuned Awardee bring me social mission; to open up our eyes to believe that education is the key to seek prominent chance for intellectual growth to develop Indonesia high qualified healthcare service

Momot, your current draft failed to impress the reviewer because you are not answering the prompts and there are lots of typos in this essay.

This version is not only difficult to read, but also lacks fluidity as the reviewer finds it difficult to grasp the impression you are trying to make because your current draft lacks organisation. Firstly, your paragraph one could not establish the reason you chose to apply to the program. Are you certain that the reviewer knows what 'BPJS kasehatan' stands for? I suggest that you find a way to tell the reviewer in clear terms what that term connotes and what problem you identified in healthcare business, with respect to your professional experience, which prompted your desire to acquire advanced knowledge in your chosen program. If you do that successfully, you shall have been able to establish the rationale behind your choice of program.Then talk about how your professional experience culminate into certain goals you hope to achieve and how your chosen program will help you to achieve this goals. Having done that, tell the reviewer how you intend to apply the knowledge and skills you would gain, through your studies, in Indonesian development. The last prompt is an opportunity for you to sell yourself to the selection committee Tell them something unique about you that makes you more deserving for the scholarship. Try to connect your ideas using transition sentences and ensure your proofread your new draft before posting it here so as to avoid unnecessary typographic errors that would render your essay incoherent. Right now, this version of your essay cannot be used in any capacity if you really wish to win the award.